Someone You Used to Love

The air is cool, sharp on the trails of tears that run down Alice’s face. She wipes them away, spreading the cold onto her hands. There had been a snow storm the night before forcing everyone into coats and inside. She however hadn’t listened, at least to the inside part.

“I won’t be out for long,” Alice said, leaning against her apartment window, already annoyed with the conversation. The window had a layer of frost over it. The lights from the apartment reflect into it, changing the color from a white to a warm orange.

“How long?” Elias responded. The two had been dating for three years and fighting for two. She sighed in response, rubbing her temple. “I want to be prepared for how long you’ll stay out.”

Alice laughed, but the tone was clearly condescending. “I don’t know. You know I don’t keep track of things like that. At least I hope you’d know that by this point.” He groaned, turning back to the TV. “I promise not to stay out that long.”

“Sure,” he grunts, turning the volume up. Her teeth grit together, glaring at Elias’ shape on the couch. The door slams behind her, as she makes her way down the stairs.

She didn’t have much of a plan for the evening, outside of getting away from the apartment. The minute she stepped outside the cold immediately got to her: it was more of a stinging cold than a numbing one. Her breath reminded her of cigarette smoke, as it clashed with the night sky. The sidewalks are yet to be cleared of the snow, only compacted down by foot traffic. Her eyes track the path, leading to the central river of the city.

Alice had spent many a night sitting at the edge of the river. It had quickly become her refugee from her life with Elias. She followed the path, the air growing colder, the closer she got to the water. Similarly, the wind slowly started to pick up, blowing her black curls into her eyes. The water reflected the moon above, distorting it in the wind's ripples.

There's a loud clatter, disturbing the peacefulness of the scene and startling Alice. She looks up to see a man getting thrown out of a bar. Him and the bartender are fighting with one another, the man clearly slurring his words.

“What the hell man,” he says, throwing his hands up. The bartender slams the door, which the man immediately begins to kick. Each kick echoes throughout the empty city. He continues for a couple minutes before taking out a cigarette and stalking off.

The sign for the bar cast a blue glow onto the sidewalk, drawing Alice’s eyes to it. The bar was windowless, but the music from inside still made its way outside of it. The door was covered in years of posters, stickers, and advertisements for bands meant to play inside. She pushed open the door, the loud music jarring her. The air was slightly hazy from lifting smoke, and smelled strongly of spilled alcohol. The bar was quite crowded, with it mainly consisting of college students from the nearby school. There were two bartenders on duty: a woman with her curly red hair tied up in a ponytail and a man with his blonde hair cut almost down to a buzz cut.

“What do you want?” The woman asked, walking to the closet part of the bar to her.

“Just water for now,” she responded, sitting at one of the two empty bar stools, between a couple and another lone customer. The bartender quickly gave the water, before returning to her conversation with the other bartender. Alice took a slow sip, listening to the conversation of the couple in the seats next to her.

The two were discussing their plans to get a cat, debating if it was the right thing to do. Their conversation reminded Alice of her and Elias’ relationship before it went down hill. The two had at one time discussed getting a pet for the apartment, but they never ended up going through with it. Alice often found herself wishing they had, or mourning the time when they had wanted to.

“I just don’t know if we’re ready.”

“But it would definitely help liven up the place.”

“You do realize that there is more to having a pet than just to ‘liven up the place’.” At each point made, Alice cringed at the similarities between her and them. That sounds way too much like Elias and I, she thought, turning now to look at the band. They were currently playing a cover of “The Killing Moon,” by Echo and The Bunnymen. The song had always been one of her favorites. The lead singer was clutching onto the mic, their long brown hair covering half of their face. The drummer has similarly long hair, though hers was pulled back in a messy bun.

Alice looked between the two of them before looking at the final member, the guitar player. Her breath immediately stopped, lodging in the back of her throat. Her body froze, as the player looked up, locking eyes with Alice.

“Cora,” she whispered under breath. Cora’s eyes widened with realization, as she looked over Alice, seeming to have the same thoughts.

“Alice,” Cora seemed to say despite the loud music stopping Alice from actually hearing. As the song slowly wound down, Alice’s body finally unfroze allowing her to run out of the bar.

No, no no, no, her mind seemed to scream, as she ran to her usual spot by the river, crossing her arms over her chest. No, no no, no!

The two had met in the summer between high school and college, at a shared job, as waitresses. They had a shared hatred for the job leading to the formation of their bond.

“What got you to do this job anyways?” Cora had asked, pushing her short hair out of her face. They were sitting on the hood of Alice’s car, sharing a box of fries they’d taken from the kitchen.

“My parents are refusing to pay for my tuition, and scholarships can only help with so much,” Alice answered, passing back the takeaway box. “You?”

Cora moved to look at her, removing her arms from behind her head. “Same reason.” Alice nodded, looking out at the sunset in front of them. The car was parked just a bit away from the diner where they worked. They sat in silence for a while, both staring ahead. Cora began to hum, a song that Alice didn’t recognize. Her eyes flicked over towards her, but looked away when she saw that Cora was already looking over at her. Alice felt a blush grow over her face. “It’s quite pretty isn’t it.”

“Definitely,” she agreed, looking back at Cora for a second.

The diner ended up closing not long after, due to how little business it was getting. The two moved on to their next job together, this time at a local clothing store, which was equally as poorly managed.

“This place just drains me,” Alice said, leaning against one of the walls, as Cora locked up the store front. “But we only have to deal with it for another two months.”

The two began walking, the store was close enough to their houses that they didn’t have to use a car. Their town was covered predominantly in forest, which Alice looked at now. Her and Cora had spent a lot of time wandering those woods, due to their shared love of it.

As they approached Cora’s house, the more nervous she seemed to get.

“Alice,” she said, turning to face her, once they were right outside of it. Alice looked back, noting her fidgeting with one of her belt loops. “Would you . . . want to come inside?” The question had startled Alice, as the two had never actually gone to one another's house. “My parents aren’t home so we can just hang out in peace.”

“Sure,” Alice had responded, looking quickly at her watch. “My parents won’t mind much, I’ll just have to call them from inside.”

Alice still remembered Cora’s house, with how homey it had felt to her. It was covered in warm yellow lighting, and cozy furniture packed close together. Cora had led her into her bedroom, where she used her phone to call her parents.

“I’m just at a friend’s house,” she said, to her mom, “I’ll be back in a little bit. And you don’t have to save me any dinner, unless you want. I can eat something here.” She hung up the phone, clicking it in place. Cora had sat quite close to her, their hands right next to each other on the bed. “I can hang out for a little while.”

“That’s good,” Cora responded, her voice almost a hushed whisper. Alice looked around at her room noting each poster on the wall. They mainly consisted of bands, with the occasional movie poster. The primary band shown was The Cranberries. As she looked around, she felt Cora’s hand on her own. The movement made an immediate blush spring on her face. She slowly looked down at their hands, seeing that Cora had placed her hand in a way that almost interlocked their fingers.

When Alice looked back up, Cora was looking away, their eyes just as wide as one another's. Anything she tried to say got lodged in the back of her throat. Once Cora finally returned her gaze, Alice reached out, pushing Cora’s hair out of her eyes. The two stared at one another, before Cora leaned in, leaving a small kiss on Alice’s lips. It was just a soft peck, but one that Alice often found herself thinking about.

“I-I,” she stuttered, starting to move to the edge of the bed. Alice reached out, taking her face in her hand, and kissing her again, this time much stronger. Alice had never actually kissed anyone before, never even having feelings for anyone. That all changed with Cora.

They soon started to secretly date, stealing moments with each other as much as they could. They would sneak kisses from each other at work in the staff only room, spend time with each other in the forests, and spend nights together when one of their houses was empty.

“You know what,” Cora said, as they laid in her bed. Alice looked at her from her spot in the crook of Cora’s neck. “I’m really gonna miss this.”

“Me too,” Alice murmured, half-asleep. Their first day of college orientation was the next day, and they were going off to different schools. Cora readjusted their blanket pulling it farther up on Alice, immediately warming her up more.

“We’re gonna have to make sure we keep in contact with one another,” Cora whispered, now sounding as tired as Alice. She moved, draping her arm over her back. “I love you.”

Alice’s body stiffened, as Cora fell asleep. She looked over her sleeping face, before taking a deep breath and removing her arm. Quietly, she changed into a pair of jeans, not noticing that she was still in one of Cora’s shirts.

She kissed her temple, before slowly leaving, shutting her door behind her.

As much as she tries, Alice can’t stop herself from crying. The air is cool, sharp on the trails of tears that run down her face. She wipes them away, spreading the cold onto her hands.

How is she here? She thinks, pulling her legs into her chest. I . . . never thought I’d see her again. She grabbed a kicked up rock from the sidewalk, and tossed it into the water, watching the distortions it made to the reflection.

“I knew it was you,” she hears from behind her. Alice looks back to see Cora, standing over her. She hasn’t changed much. She still has the same short brown hair, freckles and warm hazel eyes. However, she isn’t fully the same, as she has gotten many more piercings and tattoos.

“H-hi,” Alice stutters out. Cora sits down swinging her legs over the edge. “How are you doing?”

Cora looks over for a second, before answering, “I don’t know. You?”

“I could probably be doing better,” Alice answers, trying and failing to not break eye contact. “Me and my boyfriend got into another small fight for the fourth time this month . . . I probably shouldn’t have brought up my boyfriend.”

“I don’t really care,” she says, taking out a cigarette, and quickly lighting it up. “That doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship though. Fights can be good, but not four in an incompleted month.”

Alice lets out a small sigh, hoping that it doesn’t make Cora look over. “That’s very true, I’ve been honestly meaning to call it off for the longest time. I don’t know why I haven’t. It’s so clear we don’t lov-” She cut herself off, looking down into her lap, remembering that night, “don’t like each other anymore.”

“Were you,” Cora starts, now gaining a similar amount of nervousness, “ever in love with him?”

“I thought I was, but every time I think back it just feels more and more inaccurate,” she answers, thinking back to when they met, senior year of college. “I think it was just supposed to be right, but never was. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain.”

“No, I think I understand.”

“Really?”

The cigarette fidgets between her fingers, as she tries to formulate an answer. “Yeah, I think so. Just the expectation of it all. If I were you I’d try and get out of that relationship until it festers to the point of no return.”

Alice nods, now actually maintaining eye contact. “I really should, shouldn’t I. How is your life going?”

“It’s just as fine as it’s ever been,” Cora says, right as a wave crashes into the wall of the river bed, spraying Alice’s pants. The cold is an immediate shock, causing her to move back from the bed. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine, just got startled by the water,” she replies, though through chattering teeth. Cora slowly unwound the scarf she had tied around her neck, and draped it over Alice's. “Oh, you don’t have to.”

“Yes I do, you're obviously cold,” Cora says, stomping her cigarette on the ground. It leaves a blackened stamp on the white snow. “Besides who needs a scarf anyway.”

Alice takes the scarf, and wraps it tighter around her neck, breathing into the cotton. It smells just like how she remembers Cora. “You do, apparently. Well, thank you. I can add it to my collection.”

Cora looks about to comment, before the bar door opens, revealing her bandmates. Alice looks at them, before saying, “You should probably get going.”

As she turns to walk away she feels Cora grab her hand. She turns and looks at her, wanting to reach out and push her hair out of her face. “I just, I have to know, did you ever love me?”

It catches Alice off guard despite her expecting it the whole time of their interaction. “Yes, I do think I loved you. I think commitment like that, especially for a first relationship, scared me. But, I did love you.” And, I still can, she thought to herself, looking at Cora’s face.

Relief seemed to flood over her face, as though it was the one thing she needed to hear. She released her hand, returning them to their sides. “Thank you.”

Alice watches as she walks back to her bandmates. She runs her thumb over her palm, only to find a small paper inside of it. She opens it revealing Cora’s phone number written inside. How did you even do that, she thinks to herself, and can’t help but laugh.

She turns, looking up towards her apartment, reciting the numbers in her mind, as she makes her way up the stairs.