Birds

Birds, Tommy decided, were not one of God’s creatures. They were the spawn of Satin, here on Earth just to piss him off. This thought crossed his mind as he balanced precariously on the roof shingles of Frank “El Jefe” Perez’s four-story mansion, gazing up at a bird who was clearly mocking him. Mocking him for being on that damned roof, for falling for Catherine’s tricks yet again you fucking dumbass, and for his life choices in general.

It'll be easy, she said. Just get in there, grab the bird, and get gone, she said. Fucking birds.

Only yesterday, Catherine found Tommy drinking a pint in his favoured establishment. He felt her before he saw her; she had a presence about her, all heads turning her way as she strutted over to the bar. She sat on the stool next to Tommy, took a cigarette out of her silver holder and leaned towards him. Tommy lit her cigarette for her, like the gentleman he was. Like she knew he would.

“Tommy.” She said in greeting, exhaling a long stream of smoke, which curled its way up to join the thick layer above.

“Cat.” He returned, taking a swig of his lager.

Catherine was beyond beautiful - she was alluring. Her chestnut hair fell around her shoulders in waves. Her lashes were as dark as her soul and as long as the list of people she had double-crossed. Her neatly manicured nails matched her Chanel red lipstick.

“What can I get you, Miss?” the barman asked.

Catherine kept her eyes on Tommy as she spoke. “Merlot. Bordeaux. None of that cheap house shit, if you please.” She gave Tommy one of her most wicked smiles. “My friend here is paying. Aren’t you, love?”

Tommy raised an eyebrow at her then. Not that he should be surprised. He may not have seen Catherine in six months, but here she was in all her glory as though nothing had happened.

Tommy gave a curt nod to the barman, who then turned to fetch the drink.

“What the fuck you doing here, Cat?”

She had the audacity to look hurt. “Oh now, Tommy, don’t be like that,” she cooed. “I just need a word.”

“I have a word for you. It has four letters and an accompanying hand gesture.” He took another swig. “Seriously, what do you want?”

Cat crossed one leg over the other. Tommy could see that she was wearing stockings with suspenders under that black skirt. He swallowed and flicked his eyes back up to her face. Her grin told him that she caught him looking. Like she knew he would.

“I got a job for you, Tommy.”

“Like fuck you do.” He remembered the last job they did together. He barely made it out of there before the pigs arrived, while Cat was long gone with the Rembrandt, the cash, and the getaway vehicle. And the getaway driver for that matter.

Catherine pouted. “Oh, but you’ll like this one, Tommy. It’s a doddle.”

The barman returned with the glass of red. Cat batted her eyelashes, making the poor boy grin like an idiot. Tommy groaned.

“Not interested. Go peddle your wares somewhere else.”

Cat sipped her wine, then leaned in conspiratorially. “Four mil, Tommy. For a bird.”

“I don’t kidnap women, Cat. You should know that.”

She laughed. “No, Tommy, a bird. An actual bird. The feathered variety.” She sipped her wine again. “It’s called a Stressman’s Bristlefront. So fucking rare my client is willing to pay through the nose for it.”

This piqued his interest. “Oh yeah? Well, why doesn’t your client just buy the damn thing?”

“Can’t. It’s part of an exclusive collection.” She paused. “Frank Perez’s collection.”

Tommy choked on his beer. “Frank El Jefe Perez?” She nodded. “Frank if-you-piss-me-off-I’ll-cut-your-balls-off-and-feed-them-to-my-dogs Perez?” She nodded again. “Hard pass.”

She tilted her head, scrutinising him. “Look,” she grumbled, placing her wine glass down onto the bar. “It’s a piece of piss. Perez is going to be out of London tomorrow night. I have access to cut the cameras and the codes to get in. You nab the bird, get the fuck out of dodge, and Bob’s your uncle.”

“Why do you need me, then?”

“I always need you, Tommy.” He stared at her until she let out a huff. “Fine, I need you because this cannot get traced back to me. And if you get caught, no-one will believe that you were working with me again after the clusterfuck that was the Madrid job.”

“Ah, there it is. You’re not wrong. I did say I would never work with you again.”

“Please, Tommy,” she purred, batting her eyelashes again.

“That doesn’t work on me anymore,” he lied.

She pouted. “Please.” She placed a hand on his thigh.

Fuck me, Tommy thought, hating himself. Cat always knew what buttons to push with him, and it always worked. Every. Fucking. Time.

“Fine,” he grunted. “But I’m taking my own fucking car this time.”

The night started as well as Tommy expected, which is to say, poorly.

He sat in his Ford Pinto, staking out the Perez palace from across the square. A tap on his window had him leaping into next Tuesday. “Jeezus, Cat!” he admonished, fumbling his binos, “You scared nine colours of shit out of me.”

“Love you, too,” she grinned. “Now,” Cat said as she opened Tommy’s passenger door, “meet Ava.” She shoved a young girl into the car. The girl couldn’t have been older than fourteen, with spindly legs, freckles, and braces on her teeth.

“What?” Tommy whisper-yelled. “Who’s this?”

“I told you, this is Ava. Say hello, Ava.”

“Hello,” Ava grinned.

Tommy stared at the girl blankly. Without taking his eyes off Ava, he said to Cat, “And we need Ava because…”

Cat rolled her eyes like the answer should have been obvious. “Because you wouldn’t know a rare bird if it flew up and bit you on the arse, Tommy. Ava here is a bird expert, aren’t you, Ava?”

Ava nodded enthusiastically.

Tommy rubbed his hand over his face. “So, why isn’t Ava doing this?”

Cat placed her hand on her chest in mock horror. “Tommy! Ava’s only a child!”

It was then that Tommy finally looked at Cat. She wore a tiny black dress and stilettos - not at all suitable for the job at hand. He did a double take. “And what. The fuck. Are you wearing?”

“You like it?” Cat did a little twirl, ending with a look at Tommy over her shoulder. “I wasn’t sure if it was too much. It’s not too much, is it Tommy?”

“Um…” he cleared his throat. “Don’t you normally opt for a catsuit? How are you going to go unnoticed in that?”

“Oh Hun, I don’t want to go unnoticed. In fact, this is what is going to keep those guards at the front busy while you and Ava go in through the back.” She handed him a scrap of paper. “Here’s the code for the back door. From memory, you do like going in the back door, don’t you, Tommy?”

He ignored that. “And why are the guards going to just let you walk in the front?”

“Because that’s the way I always go in.”

“Oh, I see.” And he did. “You’re fucking Perez.”

“Tommy! Watch your language in front of Ava!”

Ignoring that too, Tommy glared at Cat.

“Ok, fine, I’m fucking him. How else do you think I got the codes?” she huffed. “And frankly you’d fuck him too for a share of 26 million.”

“I thought you said four.”

“Your share is four, my share is whatever the fuck I want it to be.” She shoved her hands into her neckline and adjusted her boobs. “Right then. Let’s go.”

True to her word, Perez was out for the night and the guard presence was reduced to the two meatheads that were currently salivating over Cat’s cleavage. “Sorry,” Tommy could hear her saying, “I seem to have had a bit too much to drink. I don’t suppose you boys could help me inside?” She leaned into one of them, placing her hand on the thug’s chest. Tommy felt a pang in his own chest in response. Stop it, Tommy. You’re better off without her.

Tommy and Ava slipped through the back door into a large kitchen area. Before long, Tommy heard the clack of Cat’s heels on the marble tiles.

He could see her in the moonlight, looking for him. My God she’s beautiful.

“It’s as dark as a nun’s twat in here!” Cat said. Ava giggled.

Nice. “Over here,” he said.

Cat removed her heels one by one and made her way towards his voice. She squealed as Tommy grabbed her wrist and pulled her over to him. She put her hand on Tommy’s chest to steady herself.

Tommy cleared his throat. “So, where to from here?”

“Up the stairs and into the East wing. There’s a door on the far side of the library that leads to the menagerie.” Cat took Tommy’s hand and laced their fingers together. “Come on.”

He didn’t need to be asked twice.

Inside the menagerie, the trio were surrounded by more birds than Tommy had seen in his entire life. “Who the fuck needs this many birds?”

Ava stood in the doorway, slack jawed. She didn’t appear to be breathing.

“Is she ok?” Tommy asked.

Cat peeked back at Ava and smiled. “Yeah, she’s good. She just loves birds.”

Ava stepped tentatively into the room, brushing her fingers along the edge of the cages. “Fuck me sideways and bury me pregnant,” she breathed.

“Wow, she’s got quite the mouth on her.” Tommy chuckled.

Ava pointed at the nearest cage. “Do you know what this is?” she squealed. “This is a Philippine Eagle!” She ran to the next cage. “And these… these… are New Caledonian owlet-nightjars! None have been seen since 1998, but this looks like a breeding pair!”

Tommy turned to Cat. “Well… which little bastard are we liberating?”

“Liberating?” cried Ava. “Yes! We need to liberate them! We need to liberate them all!”

“Ava…” Cat warned. “What are you doing?”

But it was too late. Ava was running down the aisles, opening the cage doors. Birds screeched as they filled the room, feathers flying everywhere.

Tommy watched a small, black bird fly past them and out the open window. Ava pointed at it. “That one. That’s the little bastard there.”

Well shit.

And so, Tommy found himself perched, as it were, on the roof of a four-story mansion trying to coax a tiny, feathered creature into his waiting palm. He thought the seed ought to do the job – at least he came prepared with that. “Here birdy, birdy. Come to Papa.”

The bird just cocked its head. It looked like it was saying, “Go fuck yourself”.

Tommy inched closer, one hand on the shingles, the other held out towards the bird. Unfortunately, there were now about a hundred other birds on that roof, all examining Tommy and his offering.

I swear to God, Tommy thought to himself, this is definitely the last job I ever let her talk me into.

An enormous condor landed right in front of Tommy and lunged for his outstretched hand. Tommy fell backwards, grabbing the guttering to prevent his permanent retirement. His legs dangled uselessly, failing to find purchase. “Fuck!”

“Tommy, are you alright up there?” Cat called up to him.

“Peachy.”

“Could you hurry it up please? Those guards will be back soon and they’ll see you up there.”

“Well fucking aware, thank you.” The fugitive bird landed on his head, its long tail feathers tickling his nose. Perfect. Slowly, ever so slowly, Tommy let go of the guttering with one hand, and carefully snatched the bird off his face. Now, just need to get back through that damn window.

With Ava long gone, Tommy and Cat did their best to cover their tracks and undo some of the damage. Many birds were now back in random cages, and the pair crept their way back to the kitchen, holding a caged bird each, the second bird a necessary decoy. Apparently.

“See?” said Cat. “A doddle.”

Tommy decided to reserve judgement on that.

They were almost at the back door when they heard a gruff voice. “Where is she?” They froze.

“I dunno, Boss. She said she’d had a bit too much to drink. She’s probably sleeping it off.”

“Bugger,” whispered Cat, wide-eyed.

“That’s Frank, isn’t it?” Tommy whispered back.

Cat just nodded.

“Do you think he’s noticed the birds?”

“And why are all my fucking birds loose?” Frank yelled.

Yep. He’s noticed.

Cat grabbed Tommy’s hand and pulled them both into the pantry, shutting the door behind them and placing the cages on a shelf. The space was barely large enough for one person, let alone two. The darkness was absolute.

Cat wound her hands around Tommy’s back. His hands found her hips.

“You know,” she said, “this reminds me of the Greek job.”

“Is that the one where you left me at the airport?”

“No, that was Rome.”

Tommy felt her breath on his neck. Stop it, Tommy.

Cat held him tighter, pulling her body flush with his. “The Greek job was the one where we hid in that cellar overnight.”

Tommy remembered. They’d fucked like rabbits until dawn.

Cat’s fingers snaked their way up into Tommy’s hair. He moved his hands around Cat’s back, then lower to the hem of her short dress. He knew this was dangerous territory. Territory that he told himself he would not revisit.

He could hear Cat’s smile in her voice. “I loved that job,” she whispered, her nose grazing his cheek, silently asking a question that Tommy didn’t know how to answer.

“I remember,” he said. His hand trailed up her side, over her ribs, along her collarbone, then cupping her jaw. His thumb brushed her bottom lip, and he heard her breath hitch. That’s all it took. He brushed his lips against hers, gentle at first, but Cat didn’t do gentle. She was no delicate flower. She gripped his hair, tilted his head and deepened their kiss, eliciting a groan from deep within Tommy’s throat.

“What was that?” said a voice.

Shit.

Cat broke their kiss, pulling away, and Tommy knew that this was the part where Cat would leave him yet again, wallowing in the mess she invariably left behind.

“I got this,” she whispered before giving him a last, hard, kiss.

Cat grabbed one of the cages and shoved it hard into Tommy's chest. "Take it and go. Now." Cat then opened the pantry door, and left Tommy alone, berating himself yet again. You’re a fucking fool, Tommy. What did you expect?

“Frank!” Cat cried. “You’re home! I missed you, Puppy.”

Puppy? Tommy cracked the door and risked a look. Cat had her arms around a balding man, leading him away from the kitchen. She looked at Tommy and mouthed one word. “Go.”

Tommy smiled to himself. She actually came through for once.

It wasn’t until he was in his car that he realised his cage contained a black crow. She must have switched the cages on me in that damn pantry. He couldn’t help but laugh. The crow cocked its head, looking bewildered. “Yeah, me too mate. Me too.”