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Weekly Contest #265
Though there were many more inhabitants of the island than there were seats on the plane, the flight would not be full. There was no competition for the nonexistent tickets. There was no standby list. There was no shortage of room in the overhead bins. And perhaps most importantly, there was no longer any need to divide the passengers by class. Today is scheduled the last flight off of the island. It will also be the island’s first flight arriving or departing in over thirty years. There was only one airplane on the island capable of making...
Weekly Contest #261
July 7Let’s see… Gratitude, from Latin gratus, meaning “pleasing” or “thankful”, close to Latin gratia, grace.Gratuitous, from the same gratus, originally meaning “given without return benefit or compensation,” but later perverted by our mistrust to mean “unwarranted,” because there is no such thing as a free lunch. Are we so ungrateful?Gratuity, once given gratuitously, now demanded and expected. Gratuity, having spread beyond all reasonable prevalence, has become gratuitous anew.I am persona non grata, the ingrate.July 8What am I supposed ...
Winner of Weekly Contest #227 🏆
I didn’t wake up on November 29th, 2023. The day prior I remember vividly. I drove two hours into western Minnesota to replace some fuses in a pad-mount transformer. Easy job when you bring the right fuses. I wasn’t prepared to stand outside in the freezing cold all day waiting for them. Waiting is the coldest thing you can do. I had checked the weather that morning, but I refused to acknowledge that it was long john season already. “Can’t stand this cold, huh?” the guy said when he showed up with the fuses and found me shivering. “Does a be...
“Ghouls and goblins of the jury, my client cannot be held responsible for failing to adhere to these prolix Terms and Conditions…” the lawyer began in his comically nasal voice. I had my pick of any lawyer – alive, dead, or fictional – to represent me in my defense, and I chose “Blue-Haired Lawyer” from The Simpsons, because why the hell not? This trial isn’t real, or if it is, it’s a farce, right? Well certainly being represented by a nameless, two-dimensional, animated lawyer proves one or the other, or both. This desk I’m sitting at is in...
Weekly Contest #225
He couldn’t care less about catching criminals, but there wasn’t much else for an art school dropout to do around here. He snickered at the thought of having “artist” in his job title. Not once did he ever envision having a piece hung up in some gallery. He only went to art school to piss off his dad. As a kid he drew to distract himself from the fact that he was distracted. As a teenager he drew girls to get girls. That’s why all the criminals he sketched had feminine eyes. He could never figure out how to draw a man’s eyes. When they cam...
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