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Weekly Contest #274
"The pictures were hanging upside down," I said. My friend gasped and smiled, "Mary, you are a born storyteller. I actually felt goosebumps." I put my can of Pepsi down without taking a drink. "No, Cindy, I'm not making this up. I came home, and there they were. Perfectly level, but upside down." "Now stop it. You're freaking me out." "How do you think I feel? I have to live here." Just as I finished speaking, my grandfather clock struck seven and began to play "Westminster Chimes." We jumped, startled by the noisy antique. "Sorry, gir...
Weekly Contest #273
Darn it! The Old Hag is following me again! I just can't, not after yesterday. Another day like that, and I'm finished as a writer. Doubling my pace, I cut through allies and shops, but I could still hear her high heels clicking behind me. Five shops and three alleys later, the clicking finally stopped. I pretended to look back at a passing bus to confirm I lost her. Darn it! Still there! What have I done to deserve this? Unlike me, she wasn't even sweating. It was ridiculous! Instead of looking frazzled, she looked like she came from a gl...
Weekly Contest #272
There are many strange noises in a forest on an island: the hooting of owls, scurrying of small animals, crunching undergrowth of larger ones. Or are the hooting secret signals from man-eating natives moving into position to attack? Or angry grundle barrs? Or confused ellawyns about to blow the marooned sailors into the sea. Captain Wington imagined them all. "Did you hear that?" Captain Wington said. He gripped his sword tighter, peering into the spooky tree line for movement. Not that his frazzled imagination needed any proof. He "saw" p...
Weekly Contest #271
They don't tell you in rowing school that you sleep where you row. No! They let you believe you'll have a quadruple bunk or at least a wooden floor to sleep on. Surely, a ship in Selwyn's navy affords that much comfort? But no. The rowing pit offers hours of sit-up sleeping, no room to stretch out, and splinters to rollover sleepers - like Flimlet. "Curse that cursed belt," Flimlet mumbled to himself loud enough for Lady Nimmo to hear. Lady Nimmo lay against her husband, unable to sleep. The belt wasn't the only thing she'd like to curse r...
Weekly Contest #270
"We have to go to Izen!" Lady Nimmo pointed her roasted chicken leg at everyone around the campfire. "I agree Captain Wington is a little much, but who else do you know that has his own ship?" She said before taking a bite out of her chicken leg. Everyone reluctantly agreed, even though they knew they would be subjected to Captain Wington's weight-to-oar fixations. "Will he?" Flimlet asked. He grabbed a potato off the pan and took a huge bite before thinking. His eyes jumped wide open. He didn't want to spit it out, so he attempted to cool...
Weekly Contest #269
Oakaford strategically positioned stumpers to capture the shadow elves who were shooting arrows into Lady Nimmo's house. Oakaford and the stumpers took this very personally. She brought them to life, and because of this connection, they become extremely upset when someone tries to harm her. "Okay, everyone," Oakaford whisper-shouted. "Less noise." The entire line of root-footed stumpers kicked up enough noise to alert a passed-out drunk troll who is hard of hearing. Of course, Oakaford's "whisper-shouting" only added to the cacophony. Ash...
Weekly Contest #268
If you saw my wife, you'd tell me how stupid I was for hitting her. And I wouldn't argue. She's a looker. I mean, she makes women in the movies look butt ugly. But in my defense, if you only knew the things I put up with at work, you'd cut me some slack. I know what you're gonna say – that's no excuse. But, hey, don't worry. I'm going to apologize – if she'll let me. She's been crying in our room for hours. I've tried entering several times, but it's locked. All that punching and shouting must have drained me more than I imagined. Just turn...
Weekly Contest #267
That was not a fart! I knew Taco Bell was a bad idea. Number 35 stole the ball meant for me. "Hey, Ed! What the heck! Cut!" Darren yelled. It's true, the lane was open. However, my current situation did not lend itself to fast breaks. I slowly jogged back to the other side of the court, trying not to exasperate the mishap. Then it hit me — white uniform! We're the home team! The coach bellowed, "Get your butt back on defense!" My butt was precisely the problem. I needed to limit my movement as much as possible. If I keep moving, the cro...
Weekly Contest #266
The dragon lay prostrate, wounded and exhausted. "No! No! No!" The author yelled. The scaled beast collapsed, wounded and exhausted. "'Wounded and exhausted?' What are you doing? You think you're a writer. You're crap! That's what you are! Crap!" The scaled beast collapsed, bleeding from his many wounds. Exhausted and weakened by the fight, the ancient dragon sensed his end was near. "Okay, that'll have to do for now. What's next?" The author searched in the dark recesses of his mind for a while before spotting the muse, who was lightin...
Weekly Contest #265
2020 was an epidemic year. It was the year the biggest argument of our twenty-five-year marriage erupted. Like a volcano, my wife's frustrated and angry scream sent shock waves that knocked me off my feet. At that moment, I knew something had broken. We buried the issue by pretending it was an ordinary argument and focused on the viral threat plaguing our world. We had essential jobs, so we weren't trapped inside the house together. Life continued through COVID-19, and so did our anger. We slept on the bed seams, talked very little, and won...
Weekly Contest #264
Dear Lord, there's the nod. Be confident. Be cool. No tears! Abby suggested I get everyone's attention by tapping the glass with a spoon. She said, "The glass clinking gets me every time." So, of course, I agreed to clink. It never crossed my mind to practice. How complicated could it possibly be? I stood and nodded back to the wedding organizer. I grabbed the spoon and swung. My shaking hand careened out of control, and instead of a tap, I hit the glass so hard it cracked. But that's not all. No, no. I hit it again, which extended the cra...
Weekly Contest #263
Where can I find some toxic waste? This stupid city has to have some somewhere. I’ll show them! But first, I need an incredible superpower. Wait a minute! The old plastic factory. It’s bound to have some lying around. Perhaps it will give me the ability to stretch. No, not that. It could make me a super powerful plastic surgeon. That would be so much better. I drove to the abandoned factory. It looked like a mangy old dog that needed to be put out of its misery: windows broken, doors removed from hinges, and car-sized holes in the roof. Dec...
Weekly Contest #262
They told me I'd love it. They lied. What I do love is to wake up at 6:30, not 7, not 6, but precisely 6:30. I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee, exactly six cups, enough for my wife and me – no wasted coffee. My coffee must contain 100 grams of vanilla caramel creamer, 20 grams of half and half, and 21 grams of honey (for my allergies). Sometimes, I go over by two or three grams, and that's okay, but I'll dump the corrupted drink if it's any higher. That's what I love. I don't love line dancing. Stan and Sally, our cabin neighbors, ...
Weekly Contest #261
The man himself is coming to tell us—Vice President Numb Nuts. He's such a spineless wimp. How did he ever become a vice president? I'll tell you how. It's because Boeing is not what it used to be. That's it. Its current level of incompetence is staggering. I used to be proud to be part of this company, but those days have long vanished. And sitting over there is another reason I've lost confidence: Clark Suck-face Truman. Look at him all smug and confident. I can see what he's thinking. He's such an open book. He's thinking of his thank yo...
Weekly Contest #260
"They're coming!" Flimlet yelled. The forest came alive, with magical tree trunks rushing toward the north watchtower. Bells sounded. Women screamed, and children cried. The war they'd been expecting arrived. Selwyn and Jorton soldiers quickly assembled, forming a defensive line. The trunkers slammed into them with devastating effect, knocking many soldiers unconscious. Lady Nimmo and Oakaford gathered as many stumpers as possible and joined the fight. Trunkers hammered into stumpers, and stumpers banged into trunkers. The sound of magical...
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