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Weekly Contest #289
I needed this date to be good. After dozens of failed online dates, I finally built enough courage to ask a real woman out. We worked on different floors, Betty on the twentieth and I on the twenty-seventh, but we shared an elevator from time to time. We couldn't talk much, but I felt a connection. She thought I was funny, and I thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I popped the question on the elevator. Regrettably, my nerves got the better of me, and I blurted out, "Will you be eating dinner this Friday? I know I will." ...
Weekly Contest #288
"You don't take warnings well," the Russian said as he sat in my booth. Without moving my hand, I unsnapped my holster. The Russian hailed a waiter, "Vodka, please." He looked back at me, "I'm going to have to kill you now. You know that?" I never took my eyes off him. It was unlikely he'd try anything in a crowded bar, but I wouldn't bet my life on it. "Not much of a talker?" The Russian took a drink. "You're doing enough for both of us." The Russian laughed, "Good one." A couple of LTF officers walked in. The Russian stared at them ...
Weekly Contest #287
I microwave water because there's no teapot in my house. It does the job. I currently only have black tea since I already have flavors to add. I'm fuzzy on how we acquired a dozen bottles of flavored syrups, but I figured there was no need to buy flavored tea until I used these bottles first. While stirring my hot tea after adding honey and French vanilla syrup, an idea hit me: I live in an orbit. The rotation of the tea inspired the idea. Everything goes in a circle or orbit. The moon orbits the Earth. The Earth orbits the sun. The sun mig...
Weekly Contest #286
"I cried out, Bingo, and this is what they gave me." Aunt B pointed to Nick, a five-foot-tall stuffed Santa Claus. "I just wanted cash! The Idiots!" I love watching Aunt B rant and rave over the infamous slight perpetrated by a misguided Bingo hall. Never mind that it's been over twenty years. She drags old Saint Nick from the attic for anyone who hasn't heard the story. Heck, even for those who have heard the story. Aunt B isn't picky. Nick has been in the family longer than I have. The day after Halloween, he takes his place in the corne...
Weekly Contest #285
In an age when kids played outside, no, more than that, practically lived outside, and imagination was the only toy most kids had or could afford, a friendly gang of boys, who have been friends for most of their lives, stumbled on a mystery that started with a thrown mud ball. Since the gang ate, slept, and breathed Dick Tracy comic books, Jack, the oldest of the bunch, took the case in hand. It would be a difficult challenge to find the hitman, not because of a lack of evidence but because of the overwhelming amount of evidence. Every one ...
Weekly Contest #284
Americans will drive anywhere if it has a decent website and a catchy slogan. My wife and I saw several billboards advertising Arkansas's largest natural land bridge while driving to Little Rock. We didn't plan on seeing a land bridge that day, but, by golly, we did see a land bridge that day. Why? Because we're suckers for flashy advertising. The billboards promised an experience of a lifetime. It delivered a gift shop, an 1850s cabin (not sure what that had to do with the land bridge), and a broken land bridge. That's right. No one was all...
Weekly Contest #283
Imagine the White House during Christmas 1789: George Washington and his wife sitting around a Christmas tree in the Oval Office, a newspaper artist sketching the festive scene, and Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas" over the phonograph. If you can picture this, I would say, "Wow, you have a wonderful imagination." Unfortunately, that's where this scene will have to stay—in our imaginations. That's correct. I made the whole scene up, except for Christmas, 1789, George, and Martha. The rest are complete fabrications. The first fabricatio...
Weekly Contest #282
"Sorry, my king." Flajore fell to one knee, saluting with head bowed. "The northern wall is breached." "Don't hang your head, General. I'm proud of you - of all your men. You held out longer than believed possible." I am the one who should be ashamed. It's my pride and ambition that breached the wall. Father always said I was too reckless and arrogant. "We will hold the keep. All is not lost." Their battering ram echoed through the hall. Each swing shook the dust from the rafters. "Always an optimist, but we both know it won't be long."...
Weekly Contest #281
I hung my keys on the third hook, my coat on the third peg, and plopped my tushy on the third sofa cushion from the door, like always. That's my life - pathetically predictable. I wouldn't want there to be any misunderstanding. I have no problem with predictability. I'd be happy as long as it gave me enough to pay bills, rent a larger apartment, and occasionally buy something nice. But, no! Unfortunately, it turned out to be more like a deadbeat dad. But what can I do? I don't have any control over it. I hadn't realized it was Christmas Ev...
Weekly Contest #280
"Just move already. You're not smart enough to need this much time." "Smarts? Hey? If I dumped everything I know about checkers into your head, it would explode. Now shut up. You've made me lose my train of thought." "So smart are you? You've seen the Tin Lizzie?" "Yeah, I seen it." "You admit you were wrong?" "Nope." "Ha! Old Clyde, the smartest man alive. Never wrong. Ha! The most stubborn man alive is more like it. Every family in America will have a motor car, you'll see, Mr. Ford will make it happen." "Pie in the sky. You've got ...
Weekly Contest #279
I trudged through a foot of snow, squinting as frozen missiles pelted my goggles. The wind had a physical presence like a wall of water. I swam through the storm more than I walked. I desperately needed shelter. Peering through the barrage of snowflakes, I could barely make out a darkish line. I pressed forward, refusing to surrender to the irrational desire to lie down and rest. The dark line turned out to be a forest. Once I entered, the relentless attack lessened. The wind howled through the conifer trees like wolves who lost their prey....
Weekly Contest #278
"Alright, remember, the new treaty says relocation assistance — no killing!" Five years of fighting orcs doesn't switch off overnight. I could still see the fight in their eyes. A newbie recently assigned to my squad shouted, "What if an orc won't relocate willingly? Can I kill him then?" "Didn't you just hear me? No killing!" "My bad," the knight said. "Just wanted clarification." We mounted our horses and rode out. The newbie caught up beside me while trotting to the orc's camp. "Sir, I've been thinking, what if an orc pretends to lea...
Weekly Contest #277
"Knock it off! Fleabags!" Another acorn hit me in the ear. I picked it up and hurled it at the nearest squirrel. It missed. "Just what I expected from a baker," the squirrel said. "Go back to the kitchen and bake cookies. It's all you're good for." The squirrel clan laughed. I picked up another acorn and hit the rodent between the eyes. That put an end to his laughter. "How's that for a baker?" The squirrel clan redoubled their missile attack. Acorns pelted me on all sides. Squeakings rang out for reinforcements. I just had to poke the b...
Weekly Contest #276
We erupted with a Mount Vesuvius-sized argument of hate and anger, the worst in our twenty-five-year marriage. Her scream shattered me like a rock hitting a windshield. My response only spread the cracks further. It happened during the epidemic in 2020. Our marriage shut down like unessential restaurants, clothing stores, and churches. We had no announcement from the president, but we knew only the essentials of our marriage would remain open. I hoped a few weeks would pass, and then all would return to normal. However, like our world, the...
Weekly Contest #275
"Are you going to cook me?" I laughed, "Goodness, no." I grabbed a towel from the wash pot and wrung it. "Besides, I'm not a big meat eater." I cleaned the blood from his forehead. "You've flooded our village?" The lad hesitated, his eyes darting around in apprehension. After agonizing moments, he summoned his courage and added, "More than once!" The clumsy lad wasn't used to using his brain. To put it bluntly, he was thicker than a queen's mattress. "That's your ancestors' fault for building in a floodplain." "A floodplain? What's that?...
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