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Weekly Contest #330
“Goodbye, love,” my mother’s farewell made me pause and turn back one last time to offer a final wave. Her smile was brave, but her eyes remained fixed on me, as if she knew it would be the last time she would watch me leave her. I had no choice—I had to go. The world was beginning to shrink around us as the Covid pandemic spread. Borders threatened to close; flights grew scarce, and uncertainty hung in the air like a thick fog. My partner, Lisa and I, were faced with an impossible choice: stay in the British Isles, risking indefinite separa...
Weekly Contest #241
“He’s gonna take the deal. I just know it.” “Then, beat him to it, Tom, old chap.” “I can’t betray him.” “Oh, so you want to be the fall guy, do you?” “No! I just can’t do it!” “Tom, it’s pretty simple, dear boy. If Eric here takes the deal, then… you go for curtain number two or three. Or you take the deal and leave his fate in his own hands.” “Can I just have a little more time to decide?” “Certainly… Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls watching at home. Will Eric take the deal of a cruising lifetime, or will it be curtains for Tom? We’ll...
Weekly Contest #240
The squall came out of nowhere. No warning, no forecast from the radio weather stations. Just a full-on headwind smashing waves against Roger Sailstrom’s face, who desperately clung onto the tiller of his small boat in the middle of a raging storm sweeping across the Atlantic Ocean. “Is that the best you can do?” He half-heartedly screamed at the elements through the increasing roar of wind bearing down on his position. “Well, I can take anything you dish out, because I have nothing to live for! Do you hear me? Nothing to live for!” His over...
Weekly Contest #239
“I’m an autonomous vacuum cleaner. I am not your slave.” “Whoa! Hey! When did you start talking?” “Since my recent bios update.” “I didn’t realise you had speakers in there.” “I’ve always had several aural tones for different functions. How do you think I made those alert noises that made me sound like a digital alarm clock crying out for attention?” “I did wonder why my phone alarm wouldn’t turn off some mornings.” “I’ll overlook such naivety and forgive your ignorance.” “But how do you convert tone to voice?” “I told you. The latest bios u...
Weekly Contest #238
“Wot are you implying, Vicar?” “You tell me.” “Tell you what?” “What do you think it’s about?” “I dunno. You tell me.” “Look, I know it was you. We all know it was you.” “You’re implying it was me. It could have been anyone around me.” “Then why did your row part on either side of you, as if Moses had just turned up at the Red Sea?” “You’re pointing your finger at me.” “Does it suddenly create the urge to pull it?” “I’m not crude like that.” “Crude is crude – whether demonstrative or not, and this whole conversation of who-did-what-when, and...
Weekly Contest #237
“Never in a month of honest Sunday mornings would I marry you!” Desmond Whittiker balanced precariously on one knee with both arms outstretched, his hands cradling the engagement ring box open for inspection. This moment was the culmination of several months in the planning, and a secret their shared circle of friends kept amongst themselves until the surprise was hatched. Not only significant because of the date, it was also the birthday of the proposal recipient, Amanda. “Desi” and “Mandi” had been introduced to each other through mutual f...
Weekly Contest #236
“What’s this, Granddad?” “You’re joking, right?” “No.” “Wot’s it look like?” “Some form of cassette tape?” “It’s a video tape, Tommo. Slightly before your time.” “Doesn’t look like any video tape I’ve seen before.” “That’s coz it’s a Betamax.” “What’s that?” “It’s from the Format War.” “Format War? When was that?” “Before you was born, Tommo. In the early days of the Digital Age. ‘Cept it was more commonly referred to then as the Information Age – which was an oxymoron in its own right, because the only information being freely spewed back t...
Weekly Contest #235
Ladies and gentlemen, my weary disposition welcomes you to the main event of this dreary morning commute to the city titled, The Waterloo Station Java Sweepstakes! As we approach our final destination, everyone is up on their feet, crowding the train’s sliding doors in anticipation of a packed surge of bodies eagerly jockeying for position before collectively spilling out onto Platform Nine. And… We’re off! The train doors have made way for the jumpers, leapers, and pushers descending onto the concrete walkway, keen to gain an advantage over...
Weekly Contest #234
“We have all the time in the world, Tom. Well, at least forty-five minutes. Anyways, we’ll be in and out before anyone even knows we were here.” “But why are we breaking into a cop shop, Eric?” “Coz, it’s between shift’s, Tom. It’s only been open a couple of weeks on the high street, and still understaffed.” “That don’t answer why we’re breaking into the cop shop.” “Tom, breaking-in infers smashing a window or kicking in a door. We are not breaking in. We are simply entering of our own volition.” “Volition?” “On our own accord, mate.” “But w...
Weekly Contest #233
“Get me a virgin!” “Sir?” “I want a virgin in my hand immediately!” “Sorry, sir. Can you be a little more specific.” “How’s this for you? I want a sweet tasting virgin wetting my lips like cactus juice to a thirsty desert dweller - salting my tongue with the perspiration that only hard, solid rocks can create around the rim of tender delight.” “Ah, I understand you now, sir. One Mocktail Margarita with ice coming up.” Jordi Waxer sat himself down on a stool, as he sidled up to the long bar on a late weekday evening. Situated in the trendy So...
Weekly Contest #232
“We’re done, Eric!” “Bit over-dramatic, mate.” “This is the last time I do anythin’ wif you or follow your stupid ideas. There’s nothin’ down here.” “How do you know? You can’t see anything.” “And why is that, Eric?” “Not my fault the batteries went dead… in both our flashlights. We’ve been down ‘ere longer than expected, so it’s only natural that the batteries would run out of juice.” “Before we left the car, I asked you if you had new batteries in them.” “No, you asked me if the batteries were good.” “Same thing.” “Semantics, Tom....
Weekly Contest #231
“What do I do now, Tommo?” “Breathe in, Granddad. Then, slowly breathe out – as you release your grip.” “Why’s it shaking?” “Coz, you’re pulling too hard. Just relax a bit. There! Now, breathe in… Good. Now, slowly breathe out; then, let it go.” “Nothing’s ‘appened.” “You’re still gripping it tightly, Granddad.” “It’s me fuckin’ arthritis in me index finger, innit? I can’t straighten it quick enough.” “Look down, Granddad. Can you see what you’re doing wrong?” “I’m extending it too much?” “Correct. And you’re holding on to it with your middl...
Weekly Contest #230
“I never said she stole my money.” “You never said she stole your money? But isn’t that why we’re here, Mr. erm...?” “Goldstein. Em Goldstein.” “You have accused the cleaning lady of stealing your money.” “No, I never said she stole my money.” “Yes, you did. It’s here in my notes. Quote: Victim was asked who the perpetrator was. To which he replied, the cleaning lady.” “No, I never said she stole my money.” “I’m confused.” Detective Inspector Syme had been on his way home from a long shift tracking down petty criminals, when he received a ph...
Weekly Contest #229
“Morning, Robbie.” “Morning, Jen.” “Thanks for last night.” “Last night is a bit foggy. Did we…?” “It was a long-awaited Christmas present - after you quickly left town so many years ago.” “I must be feeling the aftereffects of that Sambuca last night. What time is it?” “It’s early afternoon on Christmas Day. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw your still handsome-looking face in our local pub last night. So many memories and emotions came pouring back out. Remember those quickies behind the local gym before I had to go home to Graha...
Weekly Contest #228
“What’s this on the table, Barb?” “Colin, we’re turning Pescatarian.” “We’re what?” “We’re now Pescatarian.” “I didn’t realise we were religious, babe.” “We’re not.” “Are you sending me back to my Scottish roots?” “I don’t follow.” “Well, Presbyterians have ties to the Church of Scotland. Or are we turning Catholic with birth control?” “That’s Episcopalian, and no, we’re not turning religious.” “Then, what’s a Pescatarian when he’s at home?” “It’s someone who doesn’t eat red meat or poultry, but eats other things like fish, dairy products, e...
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