hidden under a past tense

CW: Physical violence, gore or abuse; sexual violence

In the mirror…it’s me. I don’t look like myself though. How is that?

I…don’t remember this version of myself. I’m almost…younger in this reflection. What the hell? It’s…me…only less scars- innocent and oblivious to the world’s pain.

I can barely recall myself like this…didn’t I always have these scars? No…no I must’ve gotten them somehow. So…this…reflection is me before them? I thought I’d forgotten about this…I never wanted to return to this house. Wasn’t this behind me? I thought I was getting better…

NO. No. No. No. Don’t think about it. DON’T remember. You’re safe. This is only a memory. You’re safe. You’re safe.

Wait…

Why am I staring at myself? I can’t change the past…so why is my younger self begging for help? Doesn’t she know no one's coming to save her? Who is she calling for?

Me?

God?

No…no…this pain is inevitable.

Is she really this stupid? This desperate?

God.

Will.

Not.

Save.

You.

…Not now anyway…

Maybe I can?

Would changing the past even be worth it though?

I mean…aren’t I a better person because of it? Then again…if I never felt this pain I wouldn’t be the broken shell I am today…maybe I should help…

Even if I don’t turn out to be as good of a person…at least I won’t have as many scars.

I don’t want to remember though…I’m trying so hard not to but…I’ve never been that strong…

————

I see myself- younger me- now moved from the mirror into the shower…

Oh…

……………….

…

I remember this day now…I should…warn her…right?

I don’t want to relive this… I never deserved to go through this in the first place…Oh no-

Oh no- I hear him coming…

“Hurry! Get out!”

But- I’m only a ghost…she can’t hear me…no please no. I can’t go through this again. Focus on anything else.

It’s too late…

I watch the events play out- just as they did years ago.

I thought I forgot- I thought I moved on…

I see me.

She’s against the wall.

Naked.

Ripped from her shower.

A hand around her throat…

No! Stop, stop, stop. This is just a memory…you’re safe.

————

Despite everything I see her again- an actual ghost of my past. I thought I stopped this a while ago…what triggered it?

I don’t know…it could’ve been another nightmare…either way, I need to escape this. Get out of here as soon as possible- run through the memories and get back to the present. The present. Where I’m safe. I’m safe…it’s okay…

————

I see myself again… another reflection of my lost innocence- then again… was I ever innocent? I can’t even remember a time this wasn’t happening to me…

————

This time she’s locked in her room…

Ah…

I remember this now…

Though…

I don’t remember why…why was I locked in here in the first place? What lesson were they trying to teach me?

Wait. No.

That’s the wrong question.

Why were they punishing me?

I try to remember but my mind is a hazy fog- much like this place in my memories…everything is shaded in a muted blue-grey. It must be a reflection of how this makes me feel…

————

I can only remember bits and pieces of this one…even though I was trapped there for a few days…

————

I really, really don’t want to live through this again… Why did God put me through this? Does he hate me? What did I do? I try so hard to be a good person…to do the right thing. But…empathy is a masochist. And… I’m angry at a God even though I know only a human could cause this pain…

Stop.

Now is not the time for religious angst.

I just need to escape here…

I promised myself this wouldn’t happen again.

I promised myself I would never see this house again.

Maybe it was all inevitable.

————

As soon as a memory appears it fades to another.

Just a little more- I’m almost back to the present. I’m almost safe again.

————

I watch myself through tear filled eyes. The corners of my room are on fire- my own kind of hell. This memory… one I can’t seem to forget, is one of the crueler ones.

Look away…

Stop subjecting yourself to this…

But…I can’t seem to snap out of it.

————

I’m panicking.

I’m panicking.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

You’re safe, you’re safe.

It’s okay, you’re okay.

You’re safe- it’s just a memory.

I thought I was healed…I was doing so good…so how did this happen?

I hate God for putting me through this. I hate him. I hate him. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

And…I know that’s not true. I know it’s them I should hate. But I can’t understand the concept of free will. To me- I always saw it as, “God controls everything”- it’s all inevitable. So it felt like God was punishing me through them. Humans are his puppets. I know it’s not true. I know God is kind- merciful- too merciful in my opinion. Bad people always get good things. And I’m tired of expecting justice to be carried out even though the world fails me over and over again. I’m tired…so tired. I can’t believe how stupid I am to keep believing in some sort of poetic justice. Is God just a concept? A comfort created by humans who needed hope? Who needed the safety of knowing it's out of their hands?….Sometimes I think that...yet I still choose to believe in Him. Despite all I’ve been through…

I love God, but I hate his world.

I just need someone to understand me…

Not love…

Power…

Success…

Money…

No normal human needs and hopes. Just understanding.

That’s all.

If God can give me that…I won’t ask for anything more.

I won’t ask to change the past…or for a better future. Or to fit in. What’s the point of asking for that when I’m already an alien. Sometimes it feels like I see things people don’t. That I understand the true nature of a world filled with ignorant sheep. Then…sometimes…it feels like everyone understands something I don’t. Like they were made with a knowledge God forgot to give me…

…

….

…..

I’m getting too lost in unknowns. I need some water.