The Fourth Life

**Story mentions death on the job.**

Two hours later, I was frozen in the same bed with what I thought was the same expression I wore for most of the morning. Fear. Shock. Worry. Dr. Lincoln watched my reaction and just waited. Maybe he thought I’d scream and lash out. I couldn’t move. I don’t know how long I sat there silent. All this time I hadn’t known, even though the thought had crossed my mind a time or two. Drew and I were just too busy to really pay attention. I tried to remain calm. My hands slid down and found their way to my lower stomach and held it as if it would fall off. I looked down and tried to force myself into believing it. I was twelve weeks pregnant. I was having a baby and the father, my husband, the love of my life, was dead. He’d never even know. I felt like I was losing breath I was trying so hard to maintain, as though a bat was swung against my back and knocked everything out of me.

“Ms. Walker? I know this is a lot to absorb. I want to say again that I’m sorry for your loss.” Dr. Lincoln said as softly as was manageable. It was an interesting sound coming from such a tall and stocky man.

“Is…is the baby okay?” I responded, not taking my sight away from my un-presenting stomach.

“We’re going to run a few tests to make sure. Once the results come back and everything looks good, we’ll be able to send you home. There’s a gentleman in the hall, Robert Flake? He asked if he could see you.” Dr Lincoln said.

Robbie. I wasn’t too surprised that he found me. Firemen had connections and ways of finagling for information. After letting out a long sigh, I nodded to the doctor. He nodded back, patting my leg gently as he turned to exit the room. Robbie entered just as Dr. Lincoln left. Thank God. It was good to see a familiar face.

“Shayla, are you okay?” He said as he came over and hugged me. It took every bit of me to not break into hysteria for the millionth time. He hugged me tightly before releasing and sitting next to me on my bed.

“Yeah, I’m fine. As much as could be expected, I guess.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were here? I would have been here hours ago.” Like majority of the guys at the station Robbie was a tree compared to my five-foot six frame, over six feet. They’d always joked that Drew was the shortest. He was only five foot ten. Unlike Drew and Daniel Robbie had a baby face, and he was the oldest I knew. His light-brown skin was so smooth, not a single blemish or stubble of hair.

“Nothing was wrong. I sort of passed out. When I was brought in, they wanted to keep me for observation and run a few tests before they send me home. Hopefully that’ll be in the next hour or so.” I was praying for it. I was so tired of being there. I didn’t want to be home either, but at least it was somewhere familiar.

“You want to come down to the station? All the guys really want to know you’re okay. We tried looking for you.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I just uh…I needed some time, you know?”

“I understand. Trust me we all took it really hard. Drew meant a lot of all of us. So just know anything you need, we’re here. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Thanks.” I flashed him a tiny smile while my eyes watered again. I wiped my eyes before the tears could fall. I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell Robbie yet about the baby. It felt a little strange telling other people when I couldn’t even tell my husband.

“Actually Robbie, I was wondering if you could tell me about Daniel. I never heard Drew mention his name, not that I can remember. I did recall him mentioned having a new buddy that he hung around to show him the ropes. He never gave me a name.”

“Oh yeah, Aubree. He’s a really good kid, maybe two years younger than Drew. He’s the reason I found you.”

“He told you where I was?” ‘Go figure,’ I thought. That was really nice of him. At least I tried to think so.

“Yep. He came to the station and found me, let me know he helped you, but he had to go, and you were by yourself. He just left after that."

"He's the reason I'm here. He drove by and saw me on the side of the highway."

"He didn't tell me that. Wow." His eyes darted around like he was solving a mystery. "That explains a lot. I think he took losing Drew the hardest of all of us, besides me."

“He told me he was there when Drew died.”

“He was. They were very close. Drew rescued him.”

“Wait, what?” I looked at him with brows creased with my eyes narrowed as I waited for more detail. It was as though I was reading another chapter of Drew’s life, and the first chapter of Daniel’s.

“Remember that fire on East Carson two months ago? The three-story house that went up?”

“Yes, I remember the family of three. Drew said it was an electrical fire,” I replied. I remembered being upset with Drew that night because he’d missed our dinner date. I forgave him of course because I knew what his work meant to him, and when he told me what happened I regretted having been angry.

“It was in the walls for so long and the family didn’t know about it. They got Daniel, his wife and his daughter out of there right before the entire thing caved in.”

“He has a family?” I asked, both my eyebrows were raised.

“Had.” Robbie said, sadness creeping over his eyes. “Daniel said he was trying to get to them on the second floor, that all he could remember was crawling up the stairs before everything faded to black. He never got to them. Drew was there when he woke up in the hospital two days later. They didn’t make it.”

My left hand covered my mouth as I gasped. As the day went on more of the story made sense; why Daniel felt like he owed Drew his life, why he felt nothing he did was ever good enough. I sat there in total bewilderment.

“Sorry if this upsets you, I didn’t mean-.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you told me. He was being so kind to me. I didn’t understand any of it until now.”

“Drew really took to the kid. To be honest I think he saw a lot of himself in Daniel. Drew felt so much guilt in not being able to save Daniel’s wife and daughter that he felt he owed him. All he kept saying was, ‘I don’t know what I’d done if that had been Shayla,’” he said. I couldn’t hold the water works after that. Seconds later I found myself sobbing uncontrollably against Robbie’s chest.

“I need you to find him.” I sat upright, looking Robbie in the eye.

“Why, what’s going on?”

“Robbie please. It’s important. He blames himself for what happened to Drew, and I just made it so much worse. Please go find him.” I begged between sniffles. He nodded and stood from the bed.

“Okay, I’m on it. In the meantime you try and relax, alright? Call me and let me know when they release you.”

“Okay, I will.” I agreed and watched him leave. My heart cried and my head screamed in pain. All I could do was close my eyes and pray that God watched over Daniel, and that He’d find it in his heart to forgive me for being so skeptical.

Another couple of hours went by and I had grown anxious to get out of there. I called Robbie to let him know I was going home, and he said he’d come get me. The good news was that the baby was alright. After the ultrasound presented a beautiful sounding heartbeat, a ping of hope rang through me. Just when I thought life took away my only reason for living, God gave me a new one. Still, I vowed for the time being that it would be my little secret.

After Dr. Lincoln came in with the discharge papers and wished me well, I grabbed my bag and headed for the elevators, desperate for fresh air. In my short journey to get outside, all I could think about was Daniel and Drew. I wished I could have known more about their short friendship, the things Drew shared with him and the things he taught him. I wanted to know everything Drew felt taking Daniel under his wing. I felt a hole in my chest from all the unknown. Why hadn’t Drew told me more about him? How come I’d never met him? Things were going back to not making sense and I hated it.

The moment those double doors slid open, the crisp evening breeze practically took my breath away. I’d only been hospitalized two days, but it felt like eternity that I hadn’t been outside. I loved the outdoors. I inhaled the summer air and held it in a bit before releasing it. There hadn’t been much in front of me to see but the large roundabout driveway entrance to the hospital that connected to the main road. At least there were a few trees lined on the sidewalk. I could barely see the sun setting behind them. Of all the things I did see, I didn’t expect to see Daniel.

He stood on the other side of the street, leaning against one of the trees. It took me a moment to recognize him. He was out of his hooded jacket and Dickies he was wearing when he found and rescued me. He wore a pair of dark blue jeans and a black Polo shirt, his hands were tucked into his pockets. While we stood there making sure our eyes saw correctly, I couldn’t help but feel relieved that he was there. He looked much thinner than he had before. It brought my mind to everything Robbie told me about him. That thought alone caused my feet to start toward him until he held his hand up.

“Wait, stay there.” He called from the other side of the road. I cleared my throat and watched him cross it. I found myself feeling anxious. It bothered me a little that I was rather happy to see him. Once he was directly in front of me, I was caught by those humbled and slightly saddened grey eyes of his. Since I knew some of his truth, I could see the pain as clear as he was standing there. We stood there, wondering who would be the first to talk. Finally I bit the bullet.

“Robbie said he couldn’t find you.” That was a pathetic greeting, and an unsubtle way of saying I was worried about the guy. Leave it to me to worry about a stranger, though he was becoming less of one.

“I got his calls. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, but when I listened to the messages I thought I’d come by to see if you were still here.”

“He doesn’t know you’re here?” I asked.

“No. I didn’t think he needed to know.” His defense was back up. He frowned and eyed me as if I had questioned his intelligence.

“Sorry, no. That’s not what I meant. I’m just concerned. He said they were all looking for you. Robbie seemed pretty worried.”

“I’m fine.” He replied with a shrug. I just sighed. It wasn’t my place to tell him what to do.

“I wanted to apologize, Daniel.” I fixed my eyes on his as my fingers fidgeted with each other. He narrowed his gaze at me like he was trying to solve a puzzle.

“I shouldn’t have been so angry with you. I shouldn’t have let you leave like that. I admit, this whole thing sort of took me from a spin and I didn’t know how to process it all. But you did save my life. Had I known what Drew meant to you…” I paused. His expression changed as he looked toward the trees. I had a moment of wondering if he was as big a fan of nature as I was. He seemed to find peace in watching nature’s goodness.

“What all did Robbie tell you?” He asked as he focused his attention back on me.

“He didn’t say any more than what I asked him for.”

“So it was just more of you trying to figure me out, huh?” He said back, more like snapped.

“Can you stop being so defensive just for a minute? I’m trying to apologize.”

“I didn’t ask for your apology or your pity. You had no right to go behind my back, snooping around for dirt on me.”

“You can’t be serious.” Any nervousness I’d felt previously was gone. I crossed my arms over my chest and a scowl burned through his pupils. “You want to be angry with me wanting to know about the stranger who spend an entire night watching me sleep? Did you forget you were the one who lied to everyone you encountered in this hospital? Stole my bag and ID?”

“Oh come on, don’t be dramatic. I didn’t steal anything. And everything I did was to make sure you were safe!”

“And for crying out loud I’m trying to thank you for that!”

“You couldn’t have done that without having to learn my life story?”

“I asked him to tell me what Drew meant to you, I just wanted to understand!” That was the truth. There was something missing and Daniel hadn’t been clear enough for me to fill in the blanks. I had to figure it out somehow. However, I could understand how he felt knowing someone had learned information about him that was so personal without his consent. I didn’t like that I could see his point of view when I wanted to be upset. He turned away from when after I said that, took a few breaths and put his hands back in his pockets. I had to keep in mind that he battled with a world of emotions too. I stood there, faced his back and hoped he’d eventually give some sort of response. I had no idea what to say at that point, what would make the situation better. I took a step closer to him and humbled myself enough to end the silence.

“At least you can believe me when I say I know what you’re going through.” I mumbled just loud enough for him to hear as I stared at the cracks in the concrete. I only looked up when I sensed him in motion. He turned to face me again. Everything I saw in him became relatable, even the tears he tried to keep within the wells of his eyes. I knew more than anyone how much he wanted to get rid of the pain. He wanted the grief to end.

“I never talked about it.” He admitted softly. “All the guys know the story, they were there. They knew not to ask questions. They understood me.”

“Especially Drew, it sounds like.” I added. Daniel nodded. Then it was my turn to hide the tears. It was difficult to imagine someone being so important to the man I was about to marry and yet I had no knowledge of him. Life would have it that he’d be just as important to me in such a short period of time.

“I think you paid him back.” I told him. He immediately looked toward the street and shook his head in protest.

“No. I didn’t.”

“Yeah, you really did. I know it doesn’t feel like it. I know it doesn’t bring your family back and I’m sorry. If I know anything about Drew, he’d want you to think of the good you’ve done. You lost three people, none of which was your fault.” I felt the hitch in my throat as I spoke, clearing it before I opened my mouth again. “But look at the lives you saved. You saved four people in just a few days. That means something. In fact that means more than you can ever imagine. Not to make you sound like a child or anything, but I know he’d be proud of you.” I felt the corner of my mouth curl up to give him a smile of encouragement. He sighed and shook his head again, but his eyes focused on mine with an intense gaze. He tried to accept my words.

“You should be hurt. Furious.”

“I’m furious that he’s not here, yes. But I know him. He’d risk his life for a stranger, the same way you did. I can’t be surprised that he did so doing his job.”

“He was probably the best firefighter I’ve ever known. I should tell you that it was only three if you’re counting yourself.” He said. I smiled at him and reached into my bag for the postcard-sized envelope I’d been given by Dr. Lincoln. I opened it and removed the sonogram before handing it to Daniel.

“No. It was four.” I corrected. I didn’t know how, but I felt completely at peace with Denial being the first to know about the baby. I thought it would be something Drew would do. Daniel’s lips parted as his breath caught. I noticed the movement in his throat as he swallowed deeply and nodded in agreement. A single tear rolled down his left cheek as he looked up.

“Wow. Four.” He repeated.