In the Dark of Night

There’s a crunch beneath our feet and we walk in silence as flakes of icy snow drift down from the dark sky. I hold my breath and take in the quiet. Stopping suddenly, Megan reaches out her hand to catch my attention. I’m grateful for the distraction from my swarming thoughts as the events of the day were playing on repeat in my head.

It’s just a regular Saturday. Or at least that’s what it feels like. I wake up feeling hopeful that today things will be different. I emerge from my room and am met with a strange absence of noise but can hear the sound of someone rummaging around in the kitchen. I scuff my feet in that direction and I’m greeted with a steely look from my sister; her only acknowledgement of my presence. I sigh and look down at the floor, ashamed at the hope I felt upon waking up. I muster up my courage and go into the kitchen to make myself something to eat. Quietly and staying as much out of the way as possible, I fix myself a bowl of cereal and scurry back to my room. I close the door behind me and breathe in a sigh of relief because I’m safe again, for the moment. Moments later I hear my brother fly down the hallway and the stillness of the morning is officially broken. I hear a banging on the door and sheepishly go over, open it, and find nothing there. Before I get a chance to close the door all the way, Skyler reaches around the corner and shoves his hand between the door and the frame and sprays a toxic blast of Axe body spray into my room, temporarily suffocating me. “Skyler!” I yell, but he just cackles and runs off before I have a chance to say or do anything else. I slam my door closed and lock it, swearing to myself that I won’t be opening up my door again unless I absolutely need to.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated my life. I’ve felt like a waste of space, like no one around me even likes, let alone loves me, and like the world would be better off without me in it. I used to try to believe the lies people told me. Things like “no one gets along with their siblings when they’re a kid” and “things will get better when you’re older”, but I’m 13 and things still haven’t gotten better. I thought it would have improved by now, but my siblings hate me just as much as they always have, my mom is just as scary as ever, and I still barely have any friends who want to hang out with me without having to beg. I vent to my diary, asking it why things have to feel like this, and how much longer I’ll have to put up with this hell.

The day goes on, I’m not sure what happened, but later on in the afternoon, a group of our friends all come over to the house. One or two of them were my friends, but did they hang out with me? No. My best friend, Megan, who I’ve known since we were 5, only wanted to hang out with my oldest sister and talk privately in her room. I was being left out yet again, because why couldn’t my sister be caring and understanding like that towards me if she could do it for my friends? Why couldn’t she make time to help me feel better? Why wasn’t I good enough for her?

I go to my oldest sister’s room and listen at the door and find her and Megan deep in conversation; about what, I’m not sure. That’s one.

I go from her room down the hallway and stand there watching everyone in the living room. My other sister and brother and their friends are all dancing and laughing and listening to music, and not one of them notices me standing there watching them. That’s two.

I go into my room and let the past wash over me. I think of all the times my sister has mocked me. All the times my brother has teased me. All the times my siblings have ignored me. All the ways my mom has abused me. All the times my friends have left me out. All the people who don’t seem to notice my existence no matter what I do. And I think about the fact that my parents are out of town and I have access to a gun. That’s three.

At that moment, I made a decision and the whole world slowed down. I turn towards my desk and sit down. I pull out my journal and open to a blank page to write my goodbye to the world.

Hey everyone,

I’m sure you won’t care but I thought you

should know that I’m gonna kill myself.

Goodbye.

-Leah

I fold the paper in half and then in half again, and I leave my room taking in every bit of my surroundings. I see my siblings and their friends dancing in slow motion to their music, smiles plastered on their faces without a care in the world. I turn to walk up the hallway and up the half staircase to my sister’s room, but I’m surprised to find it empty. I turn to my left and notice the door to my parent’s room is closed and I figure that they’re in there now. I go into my sister’s room anyway and take a deep breath in and try to take it all in one last time. I do a 360 degree turn and then make my way out of the room and walk over to my parents bedroom door. I don’t wanna risk someone talking me out of my decision, so I slide the note under the door and hope in equal parts that someone notices and no one notices. I walk down the hallway that seems to go on forever but finally the living room comes into view. I barely take in the ongoing dance party because now I am laser-focused on my end destination. I walk past the stairs and through the kitchen and pick up the black single-shot break action rifle that we keep propped up against the wall. Then I walk out the back door into the cold.

The bullets are in a small, rectangular box on the back porch. It doesn’t look suspicious for me to be out here since we go out all the time to shoot small game, and we have a target set up along the side of the house. I cock the gun to load it, and put the nozzle up to my head and the whole world goes dark….

When I can see again, the backyard has been transformed into a picture of literal hell. There’s fire and lava everywhere I look and screams of agony bombard my senses. I can smell flesh burning. I am filled with dread and terror, but I can’t look away from the people burning alive for what will be an eternity.

The world goes black again.

Then my eyes are almost blinded by an overwhelmingly brilliant light. I see gold and silver and shimmering crystals everywhere I look. The screams have been replaced by a choir singing endless praise. The dread is replaced by unrelenting peace, such that I’ve never experienced before.

My vision fades to black, and the

backyard comes into view again.

No words were spoken, but I got the message. If I go through with killing myself I’ll be sending myself to hell and never get to experience heaven. If I go through with this, that vision will be the only sliver of heaven I’ll ever know. Having been raised in church, despite my protestation, there’s a part of my soul that deeply believes this message from the universe. I remove the nozzle from the side of my head and aim the gun at the target where there are a few tin cans lined up for shooting practice. I discharge the weapon, but I miss the can I had aimed for. Maybe all the adrenaline threw off my aim. I turn to the living room and realize that not one person has noticed me. They’re all still dancing the night away. If it were possible, I now feel even worse.

As I make my way inside I cross through the kitchen and almost collide with Megan as she, Lyla (my sister), and Danielle (my sister’s best friend) are making their way into the living room. Lyla and Danielle go into the kitchen but Megan lingers by the stairway. I scuffle my feet and awkwardly avoid eye contact, giving her a chance to speak first.

“Hey, you wanna get outta here?” she asks, quirking an eyebrow at me. I give her a resounding yes and follow her down the stairs and we quietly escape out the front door.

I stop when I feel Megan’s hand on my shoulder and turn to look at her and see a stone cold look on her face. I know I’m not gonna like what she has to say, but nothing could have prepared me for what comes out of her mouth next.

“You know, I’ve hated you for the past three years. I just thought you should know,” she tells me casually.

It takes me a second to shake off the shock, but when I finally do, I tell her, “I just tried to kill myself.” She doesn’t really react any more to my news than I did to hers, and it’s like we have an understanding that despite our mutual hate for me we’re in this together now and we’re gonna get as far away from our lives as possible.

We make it another 100 yards or so before I hear a car start up in the distance.

“They’re coming to find us,” I say hurriedly, and I pull her along to hide behind a tree with me. It doesn’t work and the car stops on the street right next to us.

“Get in the car!” Lyla yells at us. I look at Megan and she looks at me and we both seem to understand that this part of our adventure is over. We could run and maybe get away but there didn’t seem to be a point. I begrudgingly get into the back seat and Megan gets in on the opposite side. Danielle puts the car in drive and we all sit uncomfortably contemplating what to say but opt for silence as we drive off into the night.

I gaze out the window watching the snow fall down gently, wondering if I made the right decision. Choosing life isn’t the easy choice, but something tells me that one day I’ll be glad I made it.