Eight Years

Today is Melissa’s last day with her son. For tomorrow, he will not wake up.

She knows the way this goes like the back of her hand by now. She’ll tuck him into bed. Make sure he’s as snug as a bug in a rug.

They’ll talk about how excited he is to go to the zoo next week. He’ll tell her about all the animals he can’t wait to see. He’ll make a list of all the animals they have to see and in what order. Though she knows they’ll never follow it. He’ll get too excited and run to the first animal he sees and any schedule they had will go out the window.

She’ll kiss him on the forehead and wish him sweet dreams. She’ll watch him close his eyes and know that he will never open them again.

Tomorrow Melissa will wake up and spend the first day with her son.

She’ll go through the 23 hours of labor. She’ll experience every teeth gritting contraction, and when it’s finally done she’ll watch as they take away his blue silent body. She’s done this so many times she knows he will be alright, but still she says her line.

“Is he okay?”

On the inside she feels calm. If she could she’d just lay there and patiently wait for them to clean him up.

But that’s not how she felt the first time, and while she might be able to relive her past she can’t change it. No matter how hard she tries. So again she says her line.

“Is my baby okay?!”

They’ll finally bring him to her and place him on her chest. He doesn’t really cry as much as he makes a repeated sound that she swears is him saying ow.

Even though she knows he’ll be okay her heart still breaks at this part, and always will. No baby should have to experience so much pain in their first moments of life.

As far back as Melissa can remember she’s always had this ability.

To go back in time and relive her life from any day she chooses. Though the only problem is she can’t change the past. For her it’s like watching a movie.

No matter how hard she internally screams or kicks she has to go along with the plot that’s already been laid out.

The first day she loved to relive was when her Grandpa took her to the zoo when she was six. She loved how it felt to ride on his shoulders and be able to see all the animals easily. After that she loved to relive the day of her school play in middle school when she got to kiss Bobby Filn on the lips.

Then it was her wedding day she chose to relive. Eventually though, she’d grow tired of doing the same thing over and over. She started to look forward to the future and what exciting moments and days she might have.

The day she had her son she stopped going back. She was always looking forward to what tomorrow might bring.

Like the day he took his first steps. Melissa was so happy she cried, and her son smiled so big like he was proud of himself. It’s one of the perfect moments she doesn’t fight to try and change.

Unfortunately she must also relive all the bad moments.

Like the time he fell and busted his head open on the coffee table. Melissa wasn’t paying close enough attention. She was on the phone. She had went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea while she talked and left him alone in the living room unattended. It’s only for a moment, she thought the first time, what could possibly happen?

Melissa tries to scream at her. Go check on him!

Her arm reaches out to grab a mug from the cupboard. Inside Melissa tries so hard to fight it. To gain control of her arm and slap herself into existence. You’re a horrible mother! Please go check on him! But no matter how hard she tries she can’t erase what happened. She watches as she pours the steaming hot water from the kettle. Her heart races as she knows what’s about to come.

That blood curdling scream.

She’ll say her line, “Oh my god!” and rush to his side. She’ll see his face. Covered in blood and crying. On the outside she’ll still panic, but inside she just feels guilt for not being able to prevent it.

The bleeding won’t stop. She’ll take him to the hospital where he’ll get stitches in his forehead. He’ll have a scar for the rest of his life. A reminder of her failure to protect him.

There will be other bad times. He’ll have a night terror phase for six months. He’ll scream for hours while Melissa is forced to watch. Knowing she can’t provide him any comfort.

He’ll break his arm in a trampoline accident when he’s six.

Yet still, Melissa chooses to relive all these bad moments to get to the good ones.

To her they will always be worth it. Because thankfully the good ones outweigh the bad.

She looks forward to the days they fall asleep cuddling on the couch watching cartoons. The first time he made her a homemade Mother’s Day card.

Most of the words were misspelled and he signed his name in scribbles. She hung it up on the fridge and never took it down. Even on her toughest days she’d catch a glimpse of it and it never failed to make her smile.

There’s the time she took him to the lake for Fourth Of July. She loved watching the way his face lit up as he watched the fireworks go off.

His eyes darting up and down. He couldn’t decide whether to watch them in the sky or the reflection on the water.

Melissa has been reliving the same eight years for so long. She can’t remember how many times she’s gone back. She’s lost count. She can’t imagine a world where her son no longer exists.

So tomorrow she’ll restart the cycle. She’ll get eight lovely years with him on this earth. Eight years sounds like such a long time, but it goes by so fast.

Eight years is never enough.