Indelible By Another Name – A Science Fiction Short Story by Ethan Milner

*This story features a brief conversational reference to sexual violence that may feel triggering to some readers.

“Once you adjust your headset so it’s comfortable, we’ll initiate the EMMA machine and you’ll start to feel a little relaxed, a little sleepy. That’s the magnetic array stimulating your brain to enter the Alpha / Theta cusp. After a brief twilight, you’ll come to and be in the lobby area. You and Hermes, our concierge, will talk about the rest. And the person whose brain-image we’re loading… Charise?”

“Yeah, Charise.”

“Great. You’ve read through our materials so you know the basics. Hermes will orient you to the environment and you and Charise’s upload will then begin your engagement. This experience is designed to help you take perspective and gain resolution, whether internal or interpersonal. It will work best if you keep an open mind.”

“How long does this shit usually last?”

“It really just depends on how in-depth the uploader wanted to get. From the intake form I understand that you two aren’t married or otherwise legally entangled by custody or estate issues, which I mention because sometimes those encounters can take the longest to resolve. Otherwise the length can feel like anywhere from hours to days, although that’s only in your experienced time. It won’t be more than an hour in the real world.”

“Did she tell you what she wanted from me?”

“I’m not really supposed to say more than that. Showing up is voluntary, but you’re here. See where it takes you.”

“Whatever, man. Let’s get this going.”

…

Hermes: Greetings, Kayden. My name is Hermes. I will help you orient to the virtual environment. This will allow you to experience the uploader’s brain-image more directly. We’ll have you start with your vestibular and proprioceptive orientation. First, look around you to your left and right, then up and down and at diagonal angles. Good. Now we’ll have you take some steps and move your arms.

Kayden: Okay.

Hermes: Great. You’re a natural. Next, I would like you to summon an object. You can use your imagination in the virtual environment in many creative ways, you just have to know the right words. So please say it like this: ‘Summon’ then the object, then other descriptors like the size, shape, or other characteristics that are important to you.

Kayden: Okay. Summon: a rock, the size of a tennis ball.

Hermes: Excellent! That will allow you to see what it feels like to interact with it spatially. Throw the rock! Keep in mind, you can’t hurt anyone or do any real damage here. We don’t simulate violence.

Kayden: Throw the rock where?

Hermes: Anywhere that you like. Good job! You’ve got quite an arm.

Kayden: Are we done now?

Hermes: Almost, only a few more important things to know. First, you are allowed to leave at any time. Just call my name: ‘Hermes, Lobby!’ And you’ll be right back to the lobby. Call my name at any time and I will be available to assist you with many tasks that have been covered in the orientation materials, but these can include generating Memory Reels, Geolocation, and Realtime Teleological Processing. Finally, as we are monitored in the real world, the operator can do things like ensure that you maintain stable mood. You can also adjust that as-needed by asking me.

Kayden: You can control my emotions?

Hermes: No, we can’t control you in any way. But we can adjust the brainwave balance to influence your emotional reactivity. You’ve been scanned for any major predispositions to psychotic episodes or adverse traumatic sequelae, so you are at low risk for any concerning reactions. But either way, we generally recommend staying in the Alpha range as that allows for the most coherent cognitive performance.

Kayden: I’m good on my own.

Hermes: Well, just remember that this option is at your disposal. Spikes in challenging emotions or inadvertent traumatic responses can feel disruptive, but they won’t persist outside of the virtual environment. We will undergo the bilateral brain stimulation protocol to help you process anything that keeps you stuck, so not to worry. Do you have any other questions?

Kayden: No.

Hermes: Okay, then. Let’s load Charise. She’s chosen a specific environment for the encounter, which looks to be the high school gymnasium.

Kayden: Good to know.

…

Charise: Hello, Kay.

Kayden: Hi, Charise. What’s this all about? You couldn’t just message me?

Charise: I could’ve messaged you. I knew you’d ignore it.

Kayden: What’s so important that you need to drag me into some VR version of the high school gym? Half-lit up in the bleachers, like it was after school. Corny.

Charise: This is where we used to kick it. Do you remember? You had to wait for your mom to finish meetings and my dad couldn’t pick me up til after his shift. We’d chill on these bleachers for hours.

Kayden: Yeah, I remember.

Charise: So what, you’re just gonna keep it cold with me?

Kayden: I don’t even know why I’m here.

Charise: Maybe you’re just bored. Do you still go to those whack-ass poetry slams, talking about ‘My. Identity. Is. A prism. My face. A CLOUD.’

Kayden: Are you playing with me right now? Mrs. Modern Dance over here, wiggling around with the white girls. Please.

Charise: Okay, okay, fair enough. Do you remember the girl who did the craziest poem though? The one about being in the bathtub and someone breaking into her house only she laughs after he assaults her and the poem ends with ‘you just raped yourself with AIDS,’ and she drops the mic?

Kayden: Oh my God. Nobody knew what to do. Just two people clapping in the whole room, everyone stunned.

Charise: She did take the words out of everyone’s mouths.

Kayden: Not in the good way.

Charise: No. Maybe she was just ahead of her time like me and my modern dance moves.

Kayden: At least we didn’t think she needed medical attention after her performance. Looking like a whole seizure. You did dance to some good music, though.

Charise: You know I did! You still listen to any of that uptempo stuff?

Kayden: I do, mostly when I’m trying to get hype to work out. Sometimes I think about driving around the city with you, listening to whatever we were vibing with. Golden Oldies, now.

Charise: See, you remember some of our times together.

Kayden: Yeah. I remember. I just don’t get this whole thing. Uploading a copy of yourself, bringing up old times. What are you trying to do here? You unhappy with your man, with those kids?

Charise: No, Kay, that’s not what it’s about. I’m not trying to change anything.

Kayden: Then spit it out! Why am I here?

Charise: Kay, you know how things were left between us. It’s not that I have regrets about my life. I’m happy with where it’s at, I love my family. I’m happy for you, too. I saw on my stream that you got married. You seem happy, too.

Kayden: I am happy.

Charise: There’s something left over though, isn’t there? Like, we both know we had this thing between us and it just sits there and I never really got to say what I should have said. I never thought you could understand.

Kayden: So you can make me see it now?

Charise: Well, yeah. We’re older. I can just say how it is, how it was, and we can leave it here. The EMMA can take the pain out of it, at least for once you get out.

Kayden: Say it.

Charise: What?

Kayden: Say whatever it is you need to say, Charise. I didn’t ask to take any of the pain out of this. I’m a man, I can handle it.

Charise: I know. I just…

Kayden: You just what?

Charise: I didn’t know if I could handle it. That’s why I uploaded.

Kayden: Let the computers do the work for you.

Charise: Call it what you will. I just think you need to know that I really did love you. That I left because I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. What I needed.

Kayden: You left because you were with Craig. You are with Craig.

Charise: I am. I was.

Kayden: So what were you going to ask out of me? What was I supposed to do with some other dude just floating around?

Charise: You remember, I told you even at the time that things never happened because you never did anything. You never told me what you wanted, never made a move.

Kayden: I was supposed to make a move? While he’s waiting for you out in Cali? While you’re talking about how romantic it is that he still thinks about you from when we were younger.

Charise: It must have been confusing.

Kayden: That’s not me, Charise. I’m not putting myself in a position for some random motherfucker from high school who used to watch you outside the classroom all creepy and shit to have beef with me. I need things to be clear. I need my conscience to be clear. I always have.

Charise: But you know that Craig and I had to work a lot of things out. You know that…

Kayden: What? He abused you? You stuck around? Still wanted someone your own age to save you?

Charise: No. But we were young. He did give me words for things I didn’t know I wanted, maybe too early. But it helped me to feel complete. And safe. You know how my mom ghosted us.

Kayden: That’s supposed to make me feel better? You chose another dude because you had issues with your mom?

Charise: That’s not what I’m saying at all. This is about you and me, what happened between us at that time. And my involvement with Craig got tangled with everything else I felt.

Kayden: And I’m supposed to do what with this information now? Leave my wife?

Charise: No. You’re just supposed to know, Kay.

Kayden: Know what exactly?

Charise: You should know that you weren’t wrong to feel for me. You should know I did love you. You should know that I was confused. It was tangled. It was real. I did want you to make a move, I wanted you to know all of these things. I was too afraid to say them.

Kayden: You’re still too afraid to say them, Charise. I’m talking to a computer program.

Charise: It’s based on everything that I am, though. You can know that I mean it. I told it what to say to you.

Kayden: Still not you. Still not looking me eye to eye.

Charise: No.

Kayden: You wanted me to be something for you, Charise. You wanted me to be only the part of me that was easy for you. You wanted me to be part of him, too. You wanted me…

Charise: I wanted you to go after me. I know it's stupid.

Kayden: I don’t know if it’s stupid. But it’s selfish. You didn’t see me. You didn’t see who I could be. You just saw the things I wasn’t and went with the guy who gave you what you thought you wanted at that moment.

Charise: Maybe.

Kayden: Maybe. Do you regret that part of it? Do you wish you gave me a shot without keeping him in the background?

Charise: I do think about it. Can I show you something, at least? Can I play back a memory reel of when I told you I was moving to Cali?

Kayden: I guess.

Charise: Okay.

Kayden: …

Charise: Do you see how you shut down? How you just ordered another beer?

Kayden: …

Charise: I’m sorry I broke it to you that way, for what it’s worth. I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear to you.

Kayden: …

Kayden: Okay. If we’re playing back those humiliations, can I show you one of mine? Does Hermes help with that?

Charise: Yeah, he can.

Kayden: Hermes, pull up the memory of when we went to see that super hero movie, summer when we were sixteen. Show her me shooting my shot.

Charise: …

Kayden: I did grab your hand, didn’t I?

Charise: …

Kayden: You see what I mean? I told you exactly how I felt. You knew it. You had to choose.

Charise: …

Charise: Yeah, I see that.

Charise: …

Charise: But we were literally kids then. We spent a lot of time together later.

Kayden: What difference does that make?

Charise: You’re a whole different person when you’re twenty-two compared to being sixteen. You expect different things out of life, out of people.

Kayden: You needed me to say it again.

Charise: Maybe.

Kayden: So how does it work? Does the real Charise log back in and watch this conversation?

Charise: If she wants. I don’t know what she’ll do. I know this: I want you to know I’m sorry. That I loved you. That I still think about what it means to connect with someone when you’re that young and the world is hard and confusing. I didn’t know where my mom was. I didn’t know how to handle myself. But I knew I could be myself around you, and I’m grateful for it.

Kayden: …

Charise: If I do end up accessing this, is there anything you want to say to me?

Kayden: I don’t know. I guess it’s good to know I didn’t make it all up. That connection. That was one of the hardest parts. Feeling like an idiot that I spent so much time with someone who didn’t think I was worth it. Feeling like I was so easy to forget, you could pick up and move across the country.

Charise: I’m sorry, Kay. That’s not how I felt. I know. I think about you a lot. Still do.

Kayden: Me too.

Charise: You look good with some years on you.

Kayden. You do, too.

Charise: I hope our paths can cross in some way in the future. And I hope you feel happy and that you are seen for what you are. I’m sorry I didn’t see it then. But you deserve the good you have.

Kayden: Maybe they will. It helps to hear that. In a weird way. Maybe like it’s closure, or the closest we’re gonna get.

Charise: Maybe. Goodbye, Kay.

Kayden: Goodbye, Charise.

Kayden: …

Kayden: Hermes, take me back to the Lobby.

…

Hermes: Welcome back, Kayden. How are you feeling?

Kayden: I don’t know, honestly.

Hermes: Do you need any particular kind of supportive adjustment? Any sense of anger, sadness, grief, anxiety?

Kayden: Not really. Grief maybe. Relief too, though.

Hermes: That’s a common response. If you’re feeling like you don’t want any support from the operator, you can take as much time as you need before we do the bilateral stimulation. That will help you transition into the real world and feel like you’re having an integrated experience.

Kayden: I’m ready to be out of here.

Hermes: Okay, then. Just relax in your chair. There’s nothing left to do. What will happen is that soon, you’ll hear me count backward from three, and a gentle series of sonic pulses will alternate between your ears. You’ll see a light beam travel back and forth through your field of vision. Your eyes and ears will sync in this slow gentle movement. You’ll take moments to breathe in between the pulses. All you need to do is to be here. Be who you are, in this moment. The work that you’ve done today will stay with you but it won’t rule you. You are who you always were. Take a deep breath and inhale, gently pausing before exhaling. Good. Keep breathing in this slow, gentle manner. Very good. Feel the breath on your lips, and relax. Follow the light and the sound. You're doing Great.

Hermes: Three… Two… One…

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