In Development of Self and Town

I screamed. The air expelling from my lungs was a mixture of my anger and scorn and pain and defeat. Tears had been free-flowing down my face for a solid hour. I hadn’t been able to do anything else. I was stuck here, in limbo with my thoughts and I hated it, I hated it, I hated it…

I stopped my spiraling thoughts and tried to catch my breath. My chest ached and I couldn’t tell if it was from my voice growing hoarse or from the mental pain or if I was just getting sick. I felt like shit. How could this idiot not see what he was doing to me. How could he not see me fracturing more each day, taping myself together each night? My fist pounded against the steering wheel in front of me, narrowly missing setting off my horn. I should probably have just turned my car off by now; I had thought I could just idle in this lot for a few minutes to digest the latest text message, but I had been parked for almost 30 minutes now. I glanced down, taking a shaky breath as I re-read his words one last time.

“Not coming home tonight. U R too emotional. Get yourself together and maybe we can try again tomorrow.”

The first time he had cheated on me, I hadn’t screamed. I hadn’t even cried. I had just asked him if he wanted to break up, and he had refused. He had said it was an honest mistake. He had drank too much and had woken up in her bed, in that hotel room across the street. I had spent hours, in the middle of the night, combing the streets for him before he had finally reached out to let me know he wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere. Maybe I had been too exhausted to care. Maybe that was why I had said it was okay.

Now, it seemed like he was finding any excuse to spend the night away from me. He still refused whenever I asked if he wanted to leave, and I still struggled with the idea of leaving him myself and admitting I had wasted so much of my twenties with an asshole like this. Instead, I found myself having larger and larger breakdowns, which gave him more and more ammunition for leaving. I had them in the house. I had them in the car. I almost had one at work one day when a coworker had asked about my home life. One of these days, all of this anger and disappointment and rage and sadness would be enough for me to close the door. I couldn’t wait for that day.

I took a deep breath and dried my tears on the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Good thing I needed to do laundry soon anyway. I put the car into drive, and silently drove the rest of the way back to our house.

After dinner, which I had scrounged since it was just me in the house, I collapsed in front of the TV with my bowl. Marijuana was my saving grace on nights like tonight, allowing me to turn my brain to autopilot and enjoy the stupidest reality tv shows. Once, I had woken up on the couch from a night like this just to realize I had been watching a dating show in a different language throughout the previous evening. It hadn’t even occurred to me. It was great.

A knock at my door made me pause, the glass pressed lightly against my lips as I had just gone to take the first hit. I could see the embers burning, and considered ignoring the sound. It was late and I could always pretend I had fallen asleep early. However, a nagging feeling in my chest forced me up. People didn’t come to visit me here, so this could be important. When I opened the door, that feeling in my chest warped into a pile of nerves.

There was a man in front of me.

He was beautiful.

I was a little shellshocked. I stood there, facing this stranger, and waited for him to explain his reason for being at my door so late in the evening. He had bright eyes and dark hair, the quintessential male love interest in every dark romance I had ever read. His eyes were narrowed, scanning me and learning details about myself I likely didn’t even know. We stood like that for several aching moments before he spoke.

“You’re Alyssa Amhearst?” He asked. His voice was deep and smooth, like a kayak skimming over a lake that held untold horrors and stories within its depths. “Town government?”

“Yes. May I ask who you are and how I can help you this evening?” Despite being in pajama pants and the same sweatshirt stained with mascara from earlier, my voice immediately clipped into its work tone. I was one of few overseers of the city ordinances, specifically, the person who gave final okays to massive construction projects. It wasn’t a position that had given me much love in the community nor in the eyes of businesspeople, but apparently I was pretty good at taking hate. It paid the bills.

“My name is Louis Vermillion. I just moved in a couple of doors down. I have been dying to meet with you for several weeks, but I spend most of my days in the city still and haven’t been able to catch you when you are home. I am sorry for disturbing you so late.”

I gave him a side-eye. More than likely, we had been home at the same time before. He probably had just glimpsed Jeremy around and not felt like dealing with that muscle-crazed boyfriend of mine. He looked like a flirty type, which almost definitely made it easier for him to make friends when boyfriends were not in the picture.

That’s right. Jeremy wasn’t coming home tonight. He was probably back at that motel, having his needs met. What about my own? A seed of dark desire sparked in my lower stomach. Louis was waiting for me to respond.

“The timing is no worry, although I apologize for my lack of professionalism and hospitality. I was just settling in for the night.”

“If it is of no issue to you, can I come in?”

My heart pounded. I was unsure if he wanted to speak business or romance, and either way my plaid Christmas pants meant I was probably going to be at a disadvantage for both.

“Not tonight.” I forced myself to say it. I did not force myself to tell him about my boyfriend.

He took a step back, conceding immediately. I appreciated that. “Of course. I apologize for being so direct.” Everything he said was so smooth. I accepted his apology immediately without question. “That was completely inappropriate. Let me make a more formal request to you. Here is my business card. Do you have time this week for lunch?”

I could tell he was playing within the conversation, trying to determine my boundaries. I got the feeling that he wanted to come off as respecting them. I also got the feeling that he had no issues testing them at the end of the day.

I took the business card. “I rarely know my lunch schedule. But I will happily meet you for dinner tomorrow night, Louis.” I looked down at the card when I said his name, pretending to have forgotten it already. “I will be happy to discuss your interest in me and my work then. Plan for 7 o’clock at Mountain Grill. I will meet you there.”

“I could drive. You really are just down the road from me. His voice practically purred with the invitation. I let it be a small concession and agreed that he could pick me up.

My brain had already been frazzled that day. This meeting had only made it more so. I barely made it through an episode before I collapsed on the couch that night and fell into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

The next morning, I was awoken to the shrill banging together of pots and a winy voice complaining about the lack of eggs in the kitchen. Jeremy was home. I rolled over, barely catching myself as I almost tumbled off the edge of the couch. He didn’t even look at me.

“Welcome home.” I said shortly, letting yesterday’s rage come through in the tone of my voice. The man said nothing. I shook my head, stood, and walked to the bathroom to get ready for the day. How was I still unable to say I was done with this bullshit treatment? I decided to speak with him after work today, if he decided to come home tonight. At least the house was in my name, and he would obviously have somewhere else to go when I kicked him out. I put my earbuds in and let time fly by around me.

In a musical haze, I watched Jeremy make breakfast for one and leave for his workday. I put on my own unofficial uniform, one of my rotating blazers and matching slacks. Sandals with a slight heel that I knew I could still walk confidently in. Light makeup. A little perfume. The day floated by next, full of contracts and conversations about who should be allowed to develop in town and who shouldn't in the interest of preserving the small-town feel we currently prided ourselves on.

I was a harsh critic of developers, having been raised by townspeople who were all equally harsh. That being said, any concession in a town like this was seen as a betrayal. A mutual desire to preserve the feeling of the town was what had originally brought Jeremy and I together. He worked for the National Parks, and took care of the local forests and landscapes. I liked to think I did the same thing for our town centers. The difference was that he was able to be one-sided in his work and I had to consider proposals from all angles. It had led to some of our first fights; he would call me weak for even considering new housing units. I would usually back off, or I wouldn’t talk about work with him in general.

I had not forgotten about my promise to dine with Louis that night. I had put it on the backburner in my brain, because I could feel little flutters in my chest when I thought of that beautiful man. What would I allow someone like that to get away with for my own personal gain? I hadn’t felt desire like this in so long, and it was as if the self-serving parts of myself that I had tried for so long to clamp down were liquifying and evading all my attempts today. I burned with want and felt it start to corrupt all of my good natured thoughts. I didn’t want to be a protector tonight. I didn’t want to be a preserver. I didn’t want to be good and care. I wanted to be selfish. I told myself that maybe Louis had only positive things to say about the work I was doing. Maybe he had no business agenda whatsoever.

I knew I was likely wrong. I still let him open the car door for me when he came to pick me up.

I glanced behind me as I stepped into his car, a show-off sports car that I was sure he chose to drive today just to see the look on Jeremy’s face. It was priceless and I almost thanked Louis for the giggle that erupted in my mind when I saw his cheating jaw drop to the floor. I still hadn’t bothered with the conversation. I hoped that seeing me going on what appeared to be a date myself would encourage Jeremy to break up with me himself. We would see tomorrow.

Louis was making my night by that point, and I had a good feeling about our outing. He pulled out my chair and even poured my water before we finally switched from niceties to the conversation I could tell he had really been looking to have with me.

“Have you ever heard of Flormart?”

I shook my head yes. It was a superstore chain, Walmart’s upcoming rival that had recently started expanding across the county. They had a spiraling layout to their buildings that tended to run them deep underground as well as a few stories high. I couldn’t say I loved the company, but I certainly did love how Louis's arms flexed when he used his gesturing speech to explain the principals behind the business. He wanted one in town. That was obviously his goal in our meeting.

I nodded along to the things he said, leaning forward on my arms so that he would be tempted to glimpse the tops of my largely exposed breasts. He let the sparkle dance in his eyes as he spoke of the wonders of the corporate world: consistency, opportunity and his own good graces. Oh, how that last one ran shivers down my spine.

Could I relinquish my morals just a little? Could I offer up that small part of my soul in sacrifice to gain this man’s approval? Would that be enough for him to take me home?

It would. His eyes were hungry as he searched mine for reassurance and answers. I could practically read his thoughts. He grasped my hand across the table and I knew that I could switch sides with him. I could become a corporate pig, and I could use my position to push for his agenda with him at my side, supporting me all the way.

Support sounded so nice.

I gave in.

I let my inner darkness overwhelm me. I whispered promises in his ear that if he took up a place at my side, I would see his work through. We would herald in a new age for this town. I selfishly chose, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. My life was falling apart being good. I was protecting things that did not care for me back. I was protecting a relationship that was failing. I was protecting a town that was aging.

I was still a protector at heart. I was just going to protect the things that valued me back. By the way that Louis laid me down on his bed that night, he valued my power just as much as I did myself.