In memory of my GuruMa

Everyday seemed like torture. I had gotten used to the exercising. The lactic acid build up initially caused soreness of the muscles, but eventually wore off. What caused me pain - pain within - was him. To the extent that I called upon Mother Sarada Devi to either extricate me from the pain by allowing to forget him, or so that I might have him. Her eyes in the painting told me I wasn't ever for him, or vice versa. I went through a phase of apathy. But now, I had (mostly) forgotten about him. There was no pain, I was not apathetic anymore, but I wondered what I was doing in my life. A life is not simply meant to be lived. A purposeless life is a life wasted. So what was the point of learning things one couldn’t carry to the beyond? Mother Sarada used to say, you carry the good and bad beyond this life. One's purpose in life is to attain God. If one does not try that, then one's life is wasted - that is the conclusion we draw from the previous sentence. Lord Ramakrishna said, treat others in your family with the utmost kindness and closeness, but know that the only person you should love is God. Mother Sarada taught a higher truth. *She* said - above else love God - think of the world as your own, no one is a stranger my child, the world is one's own. To love God, and to love everyone in the world because...because God is in everything. If you love God, you must love the form in which you meet God. Cry about your sorrows to God. Guru ma said apparently to tell Ma Sarada of your wishes, be content with what you get, because you have to know that what she'll give you in life will help you grow spiritually, set you forward in the path of spirituality. I only think that this must be it. He - the one I cried for - wasn't meant to allow me to progress in life. Towards the real purpose of my life. I regret not being able to Love my Guru ma. Those who cared even a bit for her were truly blessed. Whenever I, with an empty heart, offered my pranam, mostly she did not look at me when I tried to see if she'd see me. Yet for others - she would. But I had my moments with her. There was once when I felt a little something close to worship, she looked at me with her eyes differently - softly, acknowledging and reassuring me - with a raised hand in blessing. There was that time her hands touched mine while giving me candies and I felt more of the feeling of bhakti enter me, as she smiled, which convinced me to end the wrong doing I had been doing then. When I concocted tales, decided what else did I really have in life, and wanted to see her as a last resort, she was irked by me - I could see her, irritated, not looking at me as I entered, still reading a book. As soon as I apologised to her in my mind, her face changed. She kept her hand on my head. I think she blessed me. She told me to think of Thakur and Ma, that everything would be alright. She had tears in her eyes and she offered pranam to her Gurudev. I have not done justice to her memory. I did not cry when she left this Earth. I don't love her. And I am unlucky that I got such a splendid Guru ma and was not able to love her! Sometimes I question, do I love Anyone? Truly, no one melts my heart anymore. Not ma, nor baba, nor my sister, nor any friend, not any guy, not Guruma. What will happen to me? What I tell myself, is, that someday I might find myself loving another above and beyond myself but not be selfish, like Mother Sarada wanted us to be. Maybe someday, I can love God. It is said that the desire for salvation is not a desire at all. Once Upon a Time I desired that - Mukti. Freedom. Salvation. But one trip to Mother Kali's one of many abodes (Mandir) and I realised that maybe, maybe I wasn’t ready for that, at least in this life. Now I only pray to Mother Sarada to allow me to love God from the Heart - from the deepest or the shallowest bottom of it, as it may be, selflessly, and so I can devote all of myself to her and Guruma's feet, especially when I am dying. Because you know, what you think of when you die, is what you get. Ma Sarada used to say, one should pray for desirelessness - then only one will get respite from this world. But I have seen that after I was over the guy I loved once, I was submerged in a period of apathy. That is one form of depressed desirelessness. I know it's not the same, what she said and what I felt. But you know, I think it's better to Love God and let Him do whatever it is needs be done to you. Be in any state he keeps you in. Be surrounded by any people. Be it that no one loves you. Be it that you fall. Be it that you fail. But trust. Trust the process. And the fact that this process, led on by your own actions, your actions led by God's will - will one day release you from your life. And if, miraculously, you Can love God - then it will be a child's play. We speak of karma. Yes, karma gives people what they deserve. But we don't remember One Single Thing. If you deserve to be punished, you will be punished. But if someone is kind to you, You deserved That too. If someone takes pity on you and is kind while you're suffering, know it was Your Karma that did this too. Isn't it said that when God closes a door, he opens a window. I am rambling. Guru ma. Guru ma has left us all. But I think I will always remember what she said. To think of Thakur and Ma and everything will be alright.