Love's a Beach

LOVE’S A BEACH

The car bumped over the edge reflector and Natalie jolted awake. She turned the wheel back to the road and looked forward at the highway in horror. It was a year ago, she had been in a deep, dark pit where she’d felt so crushed and so depressed, dying might have come as a welcome solution. However, she had managed to climb her way out. She came out the other end and she survived.

Natalie blinked her eyes slowly and slapped her cheek. Not today, she thought.

The bright sun baked its way through her window and drowsiness was trying to take her again. She adjusted her air conditioner. Then as if no reason, she screamed into the nothingness. Her empty car, the open road and the plain farmland that stretched for miles, made her feel insignificant. And once again, she felt so alone in the world.

“What am I doing?” she mumbled to herself. She wondered if perhaps staying at home and having brunch with the girls would have been better. She switched the radio over to the next station on her pre-tuned buttons. “Cotton Eye Joe” was blasting. Immediately she scrunched her nose up at the hillbilly tune, but she had been searching for something uplifting. In an over-the-top, ridiculous fashion, she started thrashing the steering wheel with a drumming hand. She sang in a loud and absurd, but jovial way. She danced about even harder when the violin solo played, her raised fist pumping in the air.

She was still riding the high when the song finished. Next was, “Un-break My Heart.” Natalie shot the radio a disapproving stare. “Erm. Nope,” she muttered, switching the station back over. It was an ad, but at least it wasn’t something that would make her upset. She wasn’t ready to cry—yet.

She could see a green sign in the distance ahead. The sign showed she was 95km away. In that instant, something stole the breath out of Natalie. It hit her. She was actually going there, to the place she never wanted to see again. She swore she wouldn’t return there. Yet, here she was—driving—to that place. She gulped down hard and drew her lips in. With determination to execute her cathartic plan, she drove on.

Sick of the ads, she went through all the radio stations. They were either playing ads or nothing that was hitting the buzz she wished for. Giving up defeat, she switched it back to Toni Braxton. Out of key and at the top of her lungs, Natalie sang along:

Undo this hurt you caused

When you walked out the door

And walked out of my life

Un-cry these tears . . .

Heavy tears rushed down Natalie’s face and she sobbed with juddered cries and breath. After reaching for a tissue from the glove box, she dabbed and wiped her face. This wasn’t meant to happen now. She was supposed to have composed herself, for the drive at least.

Late in the afternoon, she entered the beachside town. She pulled into the first petrol station and filled up. Back in the car, she opened up the Airbnb app on her phone and opened up her booking and clicked on the text for directions. Six minutes later, she was at her holiday house. It was a small transportable property, which sat on a small allotment of land the owners had obviously divided. It was quaint and cute though.

Natalie punched in the code into the key safe, unlocked the door and brought in her rather large suitcase for her short stay, as well as her shopping bag of food. She placed the groceries on the table and unpacked the food into the fridge. She then plonked herself on the couch.

Natalie laid her head on the cushion and closed her eyes, it was only meant to be a quick rest of the eyes, but it was enough to make her make her fall into a deep sleep.

Two hours later she woke up.

Standing up, she stretched and thought about her dinner itinerary. The plan for that first night was for a walk on the beach and watch the sun go down (she would need to get there quick if she were to make that), then veg in the unit with the microwave meal she packed, the next evening, fish and chips overlooking the beach, and finally, on the last night, she would treat herself to a nice meal out at a restaurant she had already viewed online. It was all part of the self-care plan she had designed for herself.

Natalie turned the corner on her walk and was now making her way along the esplanade. She was amazed at the view. The sea was like glass; still and flat, reflecting the colours of the sky. She stared in awe. She was glad she organised the trip. This is going to be just what I need, she thought to herself.

She then turns her attention to the large two-storey houses on the other side. “Oh no,” she muttered to herself after spotting the house. She stopped and stared at it, at the house where they had booked, where her and Robert were supposed to be happy a year ago.

It wanted to come out of her again, but she wasn’t giving it the satisfaction. So, she swallowed it down. She had come a long way in a year and she wasn’t going to fall apart now.

The next day was when she was going to face it. Then she could let it go and move on. She walked down to the beach and walked with her feet in the water. She stopped and looked out at the horizon. She breathed loud and slow as if these breaths would heal her.

The water was like dark slate now and the sky, a deep orange. Natalie walked up the beach, sat and continued to watch the sun set. One tear popped out of her right eye. She wiped it with her fingertip immediately as if it were incriminating evidence against her that she must erase.

The next day she got up and put on the outfit she had planned especially for the occasion—a little black dress, that hugged her thin waist and made her butt look good. Confidence and mourning were the theme of the day.

Her car found that little hidden road like it had easily done the first time before, despite it looking like someone’s personal driveway. It weaved around several curves and small ups and downs. Finally, she came to the little carpark at the end.

She got out of the car with the note in her hand. The little beach cove looked the same as it had a year ago, but different somehow. She slipped her flats off and walked down the sandy path to the beach. Her heart quickened and felt like it might break all over again. As she tip-toed to the water's edge, a colosseum-sized choke caught in her throat as she thought about the trip to Rome, where Robert first showed his side of doubt. An argument she’d pushed through and ignored the red flags.

Natalie gasped and she unfolded the little piece of paper that was gripped so tight in her hand now, and she began to read:

Dear Robert (AKA, Fuckface),

You betrayed me so fucking much that to this day, I’m still trying to heal the deep wounds you inflicted so easily without any remorse. Why couldn’t you have said something before that day? Before bringing me to this damn spot on our wedding day. I was absolutely humiliated in front of all my friends and family, but you didn’t care. To care would mean you had a heart, and you so obviously don’t. Because no one with a heart would do that to someone they loved, or even, to anyone at all.

To be standing there with you at the alter; it was the happiest day of my life. But you swiftly turned it into the worst day of my life. You stood there, looked at me, smiled and then turned to everyone, said, ‘sorry folks, this isn’t happening’ and walked away.

This isn’t happening? What the fuck? And you smiled at me too, what kind of sick fuck are you? I know, I may never understand, but you could have given me an explanation, at least tried to make me understand why you did it. Even better, tell me something beforehand. Not on our wedding day.

All I did was love you with every inch of me and all you wanted to do was walk away. Why bother making the commitment? I grapple to understand that. I thought you loved me too, well, obviously you didn’t. Maybe, you did and it just wasn’t enough. I just wish, you hadn’t put me through that.

I was so low, I could barely eat. I talked to therapists and read books. I did what I had to do to survive. But shit, I didn’t even get an apology from you. So, eventually, I learnt, that you don’t matter either.

Anyway, today is about letting go, so that’s what I’m doing. I don’t wish you well, I wish you what you deserve.

Bye and good riddance,

Natalie.

Tears streamed down Natalie’s face as she read the letter. When she was finished, she tore it into many tiny, insignificant pieces and released her grip on it. The wind took her shattered words away from her as if easing her burden. Tissues consoled her as she wiped her face.

Natalie sat for a while recovering. Then Natalie lifted her dress over her head. She flung the frock down on top of her shoes and ran into the water. The cold sea stung her skin, but she wasn’t concerned. This too, was part of the plan, like a ritualistic blessing or christening. Natalie threw herself into the water completely. She quickly emerged, freezing. She ran up the shore and flung her towel around herself.

It had done its job. The ever so gentle breeze, the soft sandy earth, the salty water and sea air, all seemed to work together in healing and purifying.

Natalie’s heart stopped. The silhouette of a man came walking down the path. Is that him? She wondered. It sure resembled Robert. She suddenly felt like she didn’t know how to walk or breathe. She wondered about why he was there. Did he come to finally explain and apologise? Did he come to patch things up? In the midst of her panic, her heart fluttered. She was wanted again. She thought about what she would she tell him and suddenly she was unsure. In two minds, love and hate sat side-by-side.

A blonde woman came walking behind him carrying an infant. Natalie’s head was in a whir. Pleasant, I’m loved feelings were replaced. A storm of hate, betrayal and heartbreak raged.

She looked for an escape but there was only one path to that little cove. She stood frozen, dumfounded by the coolness of the man she had once loved. She thought that he really was some kind of arse to be pretending she’s not there.

The man approached closer and took the backpack from his shoulders. Natalie suddenly felt self-conscious. It was not him. She had probably been staring for far too long at this stranger. She quickly left the beach, feeling embarrassed and dumb.

That evening she enjoyed fish and chips whilst overlooking the sea. The solitude gave her further clarification about her situation. As she dipped a piece of fish into the tartare sauce, she decided it was time to get back out there. She toyed with the idea of joining a dating app when she got back to the accommodation. Yes, I will, she told herself.

She finished her dinner and scrunched up the white paper into a ball. She stood up and headed for the bin. She tossed the rubbish in and was about to turn. “Nat . . .? Natalie is that you?” a familiar voice asked.

Natalie looks up. It was someone she had known from high school. “Oh, my God. Nolan! What are you doing here? I mean how are you?”

“I’m good. Yeah, I’m just here as a family member passed away, so I came down for the funeral.”

“Oh, sorry to hear that,” Natalie replied, ruefully noticing how good he looked now.

Nolan explained and Natalie listened. It was a great uncle who passed, who he didn’t know very well, so while it was sad, he wasn’t particularly saddened by his passing. Then Nolan asked Natalie if she was free to catch up over the weekend.

“Well, I’ve booked dinner at Braised for Sunday night. I’ve made it for one, but I guess I could change the booking.”

Nolan smiles, “Perfect.”