The Phone Call

“Hello?”

“Hi.” silence “It’s, uh-”

“I know who it is. Why are you calling?”

“Look, I, uh …” sighs deeply “I don’t really know how to do this, I just-”

“What do you want?”

“Mostly, just to say I’m sorry. To see how you are, to see how they are. It’s been a long time.”

“Not long enough.”

“Well, I … just, I’m sorry. I know I hurt you all. I broke your trust. And I understand there’s no going back.”

“Well, as long as you understand that, I guess.”

“I know you’re upset, but your sarcasm isn’t helping. If you just want me to hang up, so you can go back to pretending I don’t exist, I will. I didn’t even expect you to answer if I’m being honest. You know where I’m at, my area code isn’t hidden. Why did you pick up?” silence “Okay. You didn’t tell me to hang up, so I’m not. How about something easy, like ‘How are you?’?”

“I don’t think I can do this.”

“Okay, if you hang up, it’s over. I won’t call back. It’s your choice, I’m not going to pressure or harass you.” swallows audibly “But it is good to hear your voice.”

“It’s not good to hear your voice. It used to be a good thing, but now it’s bad. Bad, bad bad.”

“I get that. I’m not sure what, if anything, I can do to change that. But, if it helps, while it is good to hear your voice, it kills me, too.”

“Why would that help?”

“Knowing I’m in pain too. What I did, it had more than just the obvious consequences for me. A big part of me died when I lost y’all. And I know it’s all my fault, but that doesn’t change anything, especially not my heart.”

“I wish your pain made me feel better.”

“Me too, I would gladly submit myself to whatever pain you could imagine to help. I deserve it anyway.” silence “I mean, it wasn’t all bad, right? We had some good times?”

“... please, don’t.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just truly hard for me to know the truth anymore. Was it actually good? Or was I just fooling myself into thinking that we were all good? Looking back, I see signs that everything wasn’t ‘all right’ going … too far back.”

“It wasn’t all bad.”

“Thank you. That helps, even if that doesn’t matter to you. Like, maybe it wasn’t all in my head. Something to believe in on the dark days.”

“The kids are the best thing that came out of us.”

“That’s true. One of the only things we truly did right.” laughs “We were good at making babies.”

“But it wasn’t even mostly good.”

“Okay, I can get that, I see it easier now.” takes a deep breath “We were mostly trying to survive and not even necessarily together. The one thing I still don’t understand… why didn’t you just leave me long before?”

“Money. Job. Responsibility. All the things you did better than me. It was unhealthy, but I needed you. ”

“Fear too, right? Not just of the unknown, but of me?”

“Don’t.”

“I’m not mad.” takes a deep breath “I’m a different person now, whether you know that or believe it, I am. I get it. I can look back on that person and see the mistakes, the manipulations, the bullshit… that’s why I asked. I don’t understand how, or why, you put up with it. I didn’t deserve you.”

“Because it wasn’t that bad… day to day, we weren’t bad, just struggling. And it’s not like either of us had very good examples of relationships. We were better than our parents… just not good enough.”

“Yeah, that’s true. But in just trying to be better than them…” sighs “I failed to actually be better. Not as bad, isn’t the same thing as better. I wish I would have realized that, I tried so hard not to be my dad… but I turned out just like him. Being there wasn’t enough.”

“And the good times were good. I thought we were doing our best and it seemed like we were making headway…”

“Until I fucked it all up, you mean. I was just…” swallows audibly “ I was too broken. And hiding it stopped working. I couldn’t contain all the broken anymore. I’m not making excuses, but the band-aids I kept putting over my stuff I didn’t want to deal with… it finally became too much and I didn’t have my normal outlets, couldn’t cope. I’m sorry.”

“What’s the point of all this?”

“I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to you. Hear your voice. Find out how it’s all going.”

“We’re doing okay. Not great, but okay.”

“Thank you. I really am glad to hear it. That’s been a constant worry of mine.”

“But I’m not sure I can do this…”

“If you could go back, find a spot to change things, where would you go? What point?”

“Please…”

“I told you, if you need to, you can hang up. I won’t call you back. Ever. At that point, it will be up to y’all if you want to reach out.” silence “So, anyway, this is something I’ve thought a lot about. Because there are so many hinge points that I can look back and see. Just a few minor tweaks and my whole life could be different. At first, I thought maybe if I stopped us from getting together, at least you wouldn’t be hurt. Or if we separated before it got too bad. But you know what I realized?”

“What?”

“I couldn’t go that far back. Anything before our youngest… well, it wasn’t worth it to me. Which locked me into a destructive path on my career. Self destructive, anyway.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t give up anything for my babies.”

“Yeah. I really do love them, even if I’ve never been able to show it properly. I’m not good at that stuff. I know I couldn’t have been easy to love. I still wouldn’t be. Just because I have a clearer picture of how fucked up I am, doesn’t mean it’s fixed.” sighs deeply “There is no fixing this, just mitigating it by understanding and preventing harmful behavior. I don’t want to hurt anybody else. And I’m constantly fighting myself. My own head is worse than anyone outside could be.”

“So what’s the point?”

“Well, I don’t want to die, so I guess-”

“No. I mean, the point you decided on, to go back?”

“Oh. I couldn’t. If I went back to right before the incident… I’m not sure it would help. My actions had already hurt y’all too much. I don’t know if we could come back without falling apart. And further back… I don’t know.” scoffs “I did a piss poor job of being involved in y’alls lives, so I don’t know where would actually be good. Cause that’s the point to me, for y’all to have the least amount of pain. I mean, I was broken long before I met you or we had kids, so it’s not about me at this point. And it seems like every decision I made just pushed me further towards normalizing the broken and keeping it hidden away. So, I don’t know. What do you think?”

“I think I need to go. They’ll be home soon and … I can’t be talking to you.”

“Okay.” a pause, silence “Can I call you again, or no?”

“It’s a bad idea.”

“I know. I think it might help though, but it’s your decision.” silence “I could only call when they’re in school. And you could just, not answer if it’s not a good time. Or don’t want to. You can always cut me off at any time, a word, or a text. I just… I know I don’t deserve it, but I want another chance. Not to be together like we were, but to be your friend. Maybe at some point to be the father I wasn’t, even if it’s just a phone call. But, I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything. You don’t. And I don’t want to press until you just give in, like I used to. I really do want to know what you want. Even if it’s for me to kick rocks.”

“I’m not… look, we’ll see, okay?”

“Yeah, of course. You’re in charge, just tell me what to do. Or not do.”

“Call me tomorrow.”

click