Butterfly Feelings

The winter of 2004 is a winter I can never forget. That’s the year I met my best friend, Aria. I was a very isolated kid, only really befriending the kids in my neighborhood. I always felt off with all of them, they were all guys who liked guy things. Me, on the other hand, had no interest in any of that. I yearned for at least one friend who would understand me. All of that changed when Aria transferred to my school in the middle of November. "Class, this is Aria. She recently transferred from-" before she could finish, she ran over to my desk with sparkles in her eyes; “WHOA! I love your bracelet!” That was the first thing she ever said to me. I had on a blue and pink butterfly bracelet. One that I made all by myself at home one day with colored beads my aunt gifted me. “Oh, thank you” I responded quietly. “I made it myself, if you would like one..?” I had no idea what I started after that.

The first night she came over, she looked like a child who walked into a candy shop. I introduced her to my parents as the new kid who transferred today.

"In the middle of November, right before exams?" My mom asked me, and turned to Aria "Oh.. We had to move from my old town! Your house is beautiful, by the way." Aria said, completely changing her tone.

"Why thank you, Aria was it? Why did your parents have to leave town?" Aria's face completely sank. She turned and stared at my mom with sinking eyes, something neither of us have seen on a child's face before. She didn't speak a word, just stared for a good 20 seconds. "I.. I can't talk about it." Aria whispered. Her voice was low, sharp as a blade. "I see.. Well, why don't you girls go and play in Mavis's room?" My mom is always good at trying to set a good mood. Her special talent is always knowing how to cheer people up, with me she usually bakes cookies or buys me new beads for bracelets. Aria seemed happier after she requested we go to my room, so off to my room we went.

To Aria, my room was heaven. Aria explained to me that she's never had a place that felt like home to her. She was constantly on the run from "it", when asked about "it" she avoided the question and changed the topic. "I never had anything to really call my own." She started to explain "Any interest I start to have, my parents get all weird.. I can't enjoy anything or have any friends." I felt so bad for her. "Anytime I would move however, I would see a butterfly. In those places with a butterfly, they became my safe space. It started back in Jersey, a butterfly landed on a book that was on the side of the road. Then, in Maryland, one landed on a coffee shop, where I learned my favorite drinks and scents. In Indiana, it landed on the thing most special to me, a CD. It was a Laufey CD. She's now my favorite artist." I looked at her with confusion, how could a butterfly seem to follow her everywhere? Before I could ask any questions, she started to speak once more. "Then here, in Missouri, I saw it fly into the school. I was confused, school never interested me, I don't like any subjects or really like to learn in a school environment, then I saw you." She took both of my hands and pulled me closer "Mavis, I just know we will be best friends!"

After that, she came to my house every other night. She would come for dinner, sleepovers, she even went with us to a trip to see my grandparents a year later. She’s one of those outgoing preppy kids. Her hair was strawberry blonde, and her clothes always had an accent of pink to them. I don’t think I ever saw her in anything else. I was the complete opposite of her, having a more tomboyish, gothic style as I grew older. One thing that was consistent between us was our friendship bracelets we made together the first night she came to my house. I made her a pink butterfly one, and 2 weeks later she surprised me with a blue one. We never took them off.

2 years pass, and this is the longest she's stayed in one area. We stayed incredibly close throughout those 2 years. On a regular Thursday in Summer 2006, I was sitting in my room making my first ever Kandi bracelet for Aria, a surprise for her 17th birthday. All of a sudden, the phone rings.

“Mavis! Aria is on the phone!” My mom yells from down the hall. I ran to answer the phone, eager to talk to her.

“Aria! Are we st-” I was cut off.

“I’m moving.”

She was blunt. No emotion in her voice, something was off. Her voice was booming, you could hear her from miles away. But here, she was speaking in almost a whisper. Something was wrong. It was just like when my mom asked why she moved before.

“What? Why? What happ-” Cut off again. She hung up before even letting me finish. Trying to hold back tears, I ran out of the house to go to hers. She lived a mile and a half away from me, but I didn’t care. I ran all the way there, barely able to move when I reached her house. When I looked, her house was completely empty. No cars, no moving vans, no lights on, nothing. It’s like she never even lived there. Where the hell did she go?

The days after that didn't feel real. I couldn't sleep the first night she left, where did she go? Why didn't she tell me where she was going? All she said was "I'm moving." How is that enough information? These thoughts raced through my mind throughout the night, and the next day at school was worse. Everyone was asking me if she was OK, if she was sick, where she was. I couldn't answer any of them. I just said she needed a couple days off school. That excuse won't work, will it? I'll eventually need to tell everyone that she disappeared. I can't do that just yet. Class seemed to go on for days. I couldn't focus on any of the lessons— is she really gone? She can't be, right?

My classes always went from 8am to 3pm. They were a drag most days, but Aria made them easier. We would pass notes to each other in the classes we had, eat lunch together, and walk to each others classes every day. It's been 2 months since she left, and this has been the loneliest I've felt in 2 years. People came up to me out of guilt and tried to talk to me, but I turned them down. I didn't want someone random, I wanted Aria back.

After school, I walk home. My house isn't far enough from the school for the bus, but my parents both work, so I'm forced to walk the mile home each day. It's not a horrible walk, but inconvenient. Aria would make the walk bearable, we would sometimes stop at some shops in town before heading home. But today, I couldn't even bare going into the town her and I hung out in. The path I decided to take was one I haven't taken since she fell into my life. My school is located close to a forest, not close enough to disturb the animals, but close enough for me to notice the animals sometimes during P.E. I used to take this path every day, since the path towards my house is always so crowded. The animals are calming, I would sometimes even bring them fruit from the leftover fruit cups at school. Before I reached the entrance, I saw a bright blue butterfly.

Why here? Why now?

The butterfly led me into the forest. The forest was.. different than what I remember. The forest used to be so lively, hearing birds chirping, animals everywhere, the leaves were bright green and yellow. But now- everything is different. It was dead silent, the animals were all hiding, and the leaves were all gone. All that was left in this forest were bare trees, and a single butterfly.

I ended up following the butterfly. I had no idea where it was leading me, I have never been this far out into the wilderness before. That's when- in the distance- I saw her. Same strawberry blonde hair, same big doe eyes, same kind of outfit she would wear, but.. it wasn't her. It was like someone took all of her features and pasted it on someone slightly different. "Who.. are you?" I mustered. Was this.. "it"?

She took one look at the butterfly, then back at me. "You don't know who she really is, do you?" Other than her features, her voice was completely different. Her voice was husk, deeper than I would imagine someone looking like her would sound like.

"She was my best friend!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I wasn't going to let this.. thing insult her.

"Was?" She sounded shocked, almost mocking.

"Where.. Where did she go?" I asked

"She disappeared, remember?"

"Of course I remember, how could I not? Now tell me, where is she?"

"How did you feel when Aria came into your life?" She asked. Her tone of voice changed. She was originally snarky, mocking me. Now, however, she seemed genuinely interested.

"I felt… Warm. I never had a friend before her."

"And how did you feel when she left?" Her voice softened.

"Cold." I responded

"I see.."

Silence. The forest started to get colder. Really, really cold.

"She really did care about you" She said to break the silence. How would this thing know how SHE felt?

"Then why did she leave me? She didn't even say goodbye." Tears starting to form in my eyes.. How could she do that to me?

"Stop following the butterflies, or you'll end up just like her."