Under the Weather

I had no idea what time it was and it was hot as hell outside.

"You're late," he stated flatly as I rushed in.

"Sorry. I lost my phone. I turned my house upside down looking for it last night. I had no alarm and I couldn't call you."

"We have a meeting in Reyna's office," he cocked his head to indicate the direction and the immediacy. I didn't even have a chance to put my stuff down in my cubicle first. I scurried obediently after him. He held the door open as I came in and mechanically shut the door after.

Less than an hour later, I was ejected from the building by security guards who were usually friendly. I found myself standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring back at them, as if I could ask them what to do now. Their faces were set in stone as they closed the door, leaving me alone in my shock.

The 100-degree weather beat down on me and the heartless pavement breathed it back up at me. At some point, the box of office stuff slid from my hands and hit the concrete. My arms fell to my sides in defeat. I don't remember breathing. I don't remember tears. I don't remember but the intensity of the atmosphere.

When I could bear it no longer, I turned and walked home, forgetting that my car was in the parking lot. I live about 3 miles away. It's a miracle I didn't faint. I got home, drank a glass of water and fell into my bed drenched in sweat.

I woke up around 11 o'clock at night, my only light, the dim orange glow coming from the street light outside. I laid there in the sweltering room trying to conjure a thought. Trying to find an emotion. It took a while, but eventually, I found it: pain, grief, frustration, fear, anger.

How am I going to pay the rent?

I worked really hard at that job.

How am I going to pay the rent?

I was afraid this was coming and I did my best to be proactive, but I just hadn't found another job yet.

The rent is 10 days away.

How am I going to pay the rent?

God, help me, I don't have a clue.

Around 1 o'clock I gathered my senses enough to get up and turn on the air conditioner and forage through the refrigerator for something to eat. I hadn't eaten all day. I was asleep.

"What am I gonna do?" I asked myself out loud.

Well, I couldn't do anything at the moment. In the morning I had to find my stupid cell phone or get another one, but that would cost money. Once I had a phone I could continue the job hunt... and pray. That's all I can do. I ate a second ham sandwich before crawling back in bed, but I didn't sleep.

Around 7 o'clock I decided to get up. I cursed the silent wall clock, realizing that if my phone was anywhere in my little apartment, I'd have heard the alarm go off.

Maybe it's in my car.

I decided to shower and dress like it was any other day, just with a different routine.

"Think of it as a day off, and what you've been doing on your days off lately, is looking for a job."

I had to keep myself on task and intentional. I couldn't afford to crack.

A long time ago, I remember filling out an application and the manager basically did an on-the-spot interview. He read through my application and resume, then gave me a long grave look before he finally said, "This is a cheerful and upbeat place because we want our customers to have the most positive experience we can give them." I was groomed and dressed appropriately but I knew I looked like something the cat dragged in because I was so stressed out. It's hard to wear the mask that grins and lies when you've been sleeping in your car. People who've had better luck with jobs and careers and money say, "Get a job," like it's that simple. I hope to God I never have to sleep in a car again.

I walked out to the parking lot and had a moment of blood-curdling panic before I realized that the last time I'd seen my car was when I drove it to work yesterday. I rolled my eyes and resigned myself to the 3 miles... to my former job.

To my relief, the weather was a little bit cooler today. Only 93 degrees, an outdoor display at a bank showed. At the end of 3 miles, I was relieved to find that my car hadn't been towed. "One less disaster to deal with," I sighed.

As I turned on the engine and the air conditioner, I heard the phone ring. I promptly jumped out of the car to see if I was sitting on it. The phone only rang two more times and I was left with no more bread crumbs to follow. I checked the floor and the passenger seat. I trembled and cursed as I frantically searched the car. It must have slipped into the no-man's-land between the seat and the arm rest... and there it was...on the floor behind the driver's seat. I was so relieved I was ready to pee.

It was 10:05a.m. and I had 3 messages. Two were bill collectors, but one was a call-back for a job interview.

Thank you, Lord!

I called and agreed to the appointment for Monday, but I still felt like the air was charged with particles. I couldn't relax. I couldn't assume that I would pass the interview. I felt myself shaking in fear. The weather may have been slightly better today but it was still uncomfortably warm to me. And suddenly, the tears rained. I had tried to hold myself together, but I lost it. I sat in my car at my former job as the full storm knocked me down. The struggle of finding a job and keeping a job and barely making enough money even when I have a job is exhausting. I allowed myself to drown in the torrent of emotions until it dried up. And then I went home. No job hunting today. No sucking it up or faking a smile or jumping through hoops or going along to get along.