Note to Self

September 3, 2014, at 18:20

I can’t believe I got my first iphone!!!! Agh i’m so excited, can’t wait to tell the girls

tomorrow at school. I mean, sure, it’s an iphone 4 my brother used, but still a new

phone just for me! So, exciting.

September 10, 2014, at 10:32

Don’t forget to get your uniform for PE next week or else coach won’t let you in

class.

P.s send mom txt to ask for money.

September 16, 2014, at 10:30

Pin locker:

October 27, 2014, at 15:00

Outfit ideas for Halloween party at Kris’s

Black skirt with black tights and my high Converse, simple, maybe cat ears?

Should I buy a costume???

November 3, 2014, at 13:30

Biology quiz next week.

For the love of God, study!!

December 15, 2014, at 12:00

Call grandma.

January 1, 2015, at 9:00

Omg its the new year!! Im so excited, I'm joining the volleyball team this semester,

and I have a ton of books I can’t wait to read.

February 3, 2015, at 17:00

Valentine’s dance ideas:

Theme??? (pink? hearts? formal?)

Tickets — how much / when

Decorations ideas

Music / DJ

Dress code rules

Snack table??

Photo booth maybe

March 15, 2015, at 20:00

I am so boreeeeeeeed!! There’s nothing fun to do with a broken leg, can’t believe

Rachel pushed me like that, now I’m stuck home for spring holidays, ugh, this sucks.

April 16, 2015, at 16:00

Dont forget dad’s bday gift

June 1, 2015, at 17:00

Guidance councilor said to start thinking about college, like it’s so early??

June 30, 2015, at 10:00

Packing list for the trip:

Outfit day number one: white dress with converse, the bag mom got me

Outfit day number two: jean shorts, white and yellow shirt, with converse again

Day 3: blue dress with the waist thingy, and white nikes

Day 4: a combination of any of these

Sunglasses

hat

Sunscreen

Toothbrush

Makeup

Hairbands!!

Phonecharger!!!

Camera

Books

Band aids

December 23, 2015

I can’t believe another year went by so fast. Last year honestly sucked, school was

so boring, and Hannah was insufferable. Also I cant believe she got the newest

iphone for christmas, my parents cant buy me even an older phone stuck with this

one that barely works.

I wish I had money to buy anything I wanted, to be kinda honest im kinda jealous

she always gets a new phone. I just want for once to have a new phone

January 5, 2016, at 10:12

Omg!omg!omg! My fiiiiirst crush!! Agh, I can’t believe it. I wanted to write it here so I

can remember it forever.

Hes so cute, hes a year older than me, so we have different classes, but thats fine I

see him all the time on the hallways and after school, Hannah heard from her

brother he’s kinda a loser? But I don't know I like him, he has blue eyes and is always

smiling.

We didn’t want anyone to know who we’re talking about so his code name is “Violet”.

February 15, 2016, at 15:00

Violet has a girlfriend, he got her a huge Valentine’s gift surprise.

Why am I even crying? So stupid, its not like we even talked before. Im so sad.

February 23, 2016, at 12:00

My fav sonngs so far:

Here — Alessia Cara

Stitches — Shawn Mendes

Wildest Dreams — Taylor Swift

Take Me to Church — Hozier

Youth — Daughter

Somebody Else — The 1975

I’m Not the Only One — Sam Smith

Let Her Go — Passenger

March 3, 2016, at 15:00

Sometimes I feel like I’m behind. Hannah already knows she's going to be an

architect, and Rachel wants to be a teacher. Kris says he’s going for a football

scholarship, but I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.

March 4, 2016, at 17:00

A poem I wrote for English class, Mr. Hall said it was all over place, like I wasn’t sure

what I wanted the poem to be, but I thought it was nice:

A dog, a duck, a river.

“Catch me if you can,” says the river.

“I’ll run as fast as I can,” cries the dog.

“I’ll fly as best as I can,” echoes the duck.

The river smiles, and carries on.

Unwavering, unhurriedly, not waiting.

Memories float above the surface.

Barely there shimmering.

Desperately climbing for air.

Big breath.

No air comes in — pieces of my young heart fall between ripples.

Unable to go back.

A mother, a son, resting on her lap.

Someone on the bank of the river.

Sitting quietly, knees drawn in.

One foot goes forward, another follows, and slowly the head sinks in.

The river gently goes its way, never stopping, not even when death beckons

May 5, 2016, at 11:33

Mom’s list of chores

Clean my room

Take out the trash

Laundry

Do hw

Get college essays done

May 20, 2016 at 23:30

If I knew for sure that next week I would pass my driving exam, how would I feel,

how would I act? I don’t get why driving is so difficult for me, because I do like it, it’s

freeing but then when I get behind the wheel I feel so stupid so incompetent. Dad

keeps saying I’m a good driver, but I can’t imagine driving on my own without him

sitting next to me. Will I ever learn?

October 5, 2016, at 15:00

Grandma died. I haven’t touched my phone since then. I just got so sad. I knew she

was dying ofc, but like why did she have to go? I wanted her to see me graduate,

now I’ll never have that.

December 13, 2016, at 18:00

Call Eli to ask for holidays.

January 8, 2017, at 10:00

Possible degrees:

English?

Psychology

Something with writing

Teaching maybe

Literally no idea

Possible colleges:

State college

One close to home

Somewhere with a nice campus

Somewhere far away???

Anywhere that would even accept me

January 10, 2017 at 11:52

I think I want to be a writer, i might go study English.

January 13, 2017 at 23:23

Strange, isn’t it? To have dedicated life to a certain venture, neglecting other

aspects of one’s life, only to have that venture in the end, amount to nothing at all,

the products of one’s labors utterly forgotten?

October 31, 2018 at 14:23

My first iphone after a while, I can’t believe I managed to save up enough to buy it.

Ugh I missed the notes app

Don’t forget final assignment due next week

November 3, 2018, at 7:27

Shopping list

Eggs

Milk

Butter

Pasta

Chicken

Flour

Chips

Coke

Brownie mix

November 4, 2018, at 8:45

Lit theory — January 18

Modern poetry — January 20

Essay due November 25 (don’t forget again)

December 31, 2018, at 22:56

My parents are getting old.

My dad grunts with pain when he bends down to put on his shoes, and my mother

limps with her bad knee.

My dad gets colder and easier, his bones hurt more and longer, and harder,

And my mother gets tired faster, and the lines of weariness painted across her face

linger.

My parents are getting old.

My mother sleeps longer and more and dyes her hair often.

My dad’s hearing is gone, and my mother can’t read without her glasses.

My parents forget things now.

‘Where did you put the remote?’

‘When did you get married?’

‘When did we talk about this?’

‘What was it that you said?’

‘When did I say that?’

My parents are getting old.

My dad’s back is soft now and can’t carry me anymore, my mother’s chest is a little bit

smaller; less space for me.

January 1, 2019, at 9:23

Rachel’s dad funeral next weekend

January 15, 2019, at 16:32

Possible thesis ideas:

Smth about anime? Or one piece, or an unconventional piece of literature.

Maybe only English/American authors?

Should I do another Langston Hughes, deep dive this time?

Prof also liked my stylistic presentation on a series of unfortunate events.

January 15, 2019, at 17:00

Note to self: read all books from the series of unfortunate events books.

January 20, 2019, at 8:00

Therapy next Wednesday

January 31, 2019, at 9:02

Rent’s due next week, also check tuition money if it got through

February 2, 2019, at 8:30

Character building through names in Lemony Snickett’s a series of unfortunate

events.

February 5, 2019, at 9:02

Let’s talk about cats and philosophy, you said.

Let’s talk about how after many years unspoken

You’re so familiar

As if you were always there.

Let’s talk about how we walked in opposite directions

Just to meet at the center again.

Let’s talk about how we fit together in my heart

About how I’ve already seen us —

a wedding, a song, a dance that never ends.

Let’s talk about the joy you brought.

‘The sun reviving a dead plant.’

Let’s talk about how you gave me a glimpse of what it’s like to be in love

Be loved, and how about

“if it’s not meant to be it’s not” is no longer an option

because I selfishly want it all.

Let’s talk about how I had made peace with my loneliness

until you disturbed it while talking about cats and philosophy.

Let’s talk about how love isn’t fair, and there are no winners.

Just a fool playing house.

Let’s talk about the reality where the idea of us will remain just that.

Let’s talk about how, after so many years,

we still come close enough but never collide.

Let’s talk about how you will be a festering wound,

always unhealed, lying quietly beneath my skin.

So, let’s talk about nothing.

Let’s not talk anymore.

February 15, 2019, at 20:45

500 gr of butter

500 milk

6 cups of flour

Baking powder

Eggs (3)

March 13, 2019, at 15:23

List of books to read during the lockdown

The Idiot

Pretty girls

Clockwork orange

The Secret History

Normal People

Gone Girl

Never Let Me Go

The Goldfinch

March 27, 2019, at 16:23

Zoom therapy next Friday

April 23, 2019, at 17:00

Check with the IT to get pass for the online learning platform.

June 1st, 2019, at 9:00

Apply to internships or jobs….. Are people even hiring?

June 7, 2019, at 18:42

Apartment hunting

Call real estate agent:

+1 555 732 1984 (Anna)

June 12, 2019, at 21:10

Budget (rough):

Rent — ?

Utilities — ?

Groceries — try under $200

Therapy

Transport

Books (stop buying books)

June 18, 2019, at 10:55

Possible interview questions:

Tell me about yourself

Why this company

Strengths / weaknesses

Where do you see yourself in five years (lie but not too much)

December 19, 2019, at 23:18

Everyone keeps asking what I’m doing next year. I don’t have a job. I thought I would

feel different by now. I don’t. I’m scared I waited too long.

January 6, 2020, at 09:04

Interview prep:

Research company

Prepare questions

Don’t say “I don’t know” too much

February 14, 2020, at 16:27

I GOT THE INTERNSHIP

It’s paid.

It’s real.

March 18, 2020, at 08:11

Dad tested positive for covid.

Working from home until further notice.

Don’t forget to ask if they can lend me a laptop.

March 26, 2020, at 19:40

Dad’s follow-up check up next week.

Fingers crossed.

April 9, 2020, at 10:18

Cross-country drive with dad next week.

Only two states.

Don’t forget emergency kit.

April 18, 2020, at 21:07

Emergency kit:

Water

Snacks

First aid

Extra masks

Hand sanitizer

Phone charger

July 3, 2020, at 23:46

Summer plans:

Work

Laundry

Groceries

Sleep

August 12, 2020, at 06:58

The sun will come up

The snow will melt

The rain will stop

The land will dry

Life will end

September 1, 2020, at 22:10

Marry me chicken ingredients:

Chicken thighs

Garlic

Heavy cream

Pasta

Olive oil

October 3, 2020, at 18:41

Some of my journal thoughts leading up to my job.

“I really need go get a job. I’ve applied to couple of places and I’m gonna apply to

some more tomorrow, I really hope smth comes out of it,”

“I plan to apply for another content writing position, I really hated that job, but I

have no choice. No one wants to hire me. Maybe I’ll get lucky here.”

“I got a job! It’s an internship but it’s paid and I start on Monday. I’m nervous but I

really hope that it goes well.”

I go back to my journal, and I see myself desperate for a job, and I should’ve been so

happy to get this one, and I was, but now it’s like I go there for no reason, I have no

interest in it.

Why can’t I just be happy?

November 7, 2020, at 23:06

Things to do

Write an essay/blog post, why we like bad guys in literature/movies/tv and similar.

Think about an insta page?

Prepare your application for the scholarship.

December 1, 2020, at 09:14

Longing

I want to be loved so much when I go blind you’ll show me the world with flowers

So that you’ll built 1000 steps for me to walk on

So much that you’ll bicycle from one end of the world to the other

December 14, 2020, at 00:58

Sometimes I get so angry at my parents and I dont know what to do with that anger.

It doesn’t happen often, and I usually don’t think about it but when I do all my mind

seems to recall is the bad moments. I don’t blame them. They were a by-product of

their own childhoods and issues and by all intents and purposes they provided

everything they could for us and I am grateful, but also angry.

They made me seem like an after thought. Growing up and becoming an adult I

always felt extra, a burden, like I didn’t have a place where I belonged. I know they

didn’t do it on purpose and maybe it was in my head but some things are obvious.

Like how my dad’s favorite is my brother and my mom’s is my sister, how she talks

to her for longer than me, how she thinks about her more often, about how they

expect things from her.

December 31, 2020, at 23:47

Therapy, next week

January 1, 2021, at 00:00

I want to take photos of my twenties, every era, every moment. These are days I will

never get back. Especially this summer where only once in my history I had a

complete free month to enjoy the sea. And yet when I see myself in photographs I

hate the way I look. It’s something I’ve been struggling since I was a little girl and

most days I do fine, but at some moments I can’t stop the train of thoughts that

follow. I want to be comfortable in my body, in my skin, and so with this feeling it’s

time to get up and actually work hard on my physical health for me and for a better

future. It’s going to be hard, I know that, first hand experience, but this is it, this is

the moment that needs to be cemented in my brain which drives me with

motivation.

January 2, 2021, at 9:00

Don’t forget to take out the trash