Thaw

“Have you tried the dating pool again Eric?” The question hit me like a dagger in the chest. “How could I” I replied. Numb to the question, that I had repeated to myself again and again. ‘How could I?’ I thought to myself. I knew the actual answer. I couldn’t move on from her. She was everything to me. Why would I want to move on from her? “Do you still practice the meditations I taught you?” Dr. Albi called my attention back to her, studying my face. “When I need them.” I lied. Maybe they did help me when I remembered to do them but all I could think of was Lucy most of the day. At work, at home, at night in my dreams. She was in everything I thought of and did. “Eric” Dr. Albi forced me back into the room. “Do you think, after all this time, you should keep yourself locked in? Don’t you think you’d…” Dr Albi’s alarm went off cutting her from asking the rest of the question. “Hey, I need to reschedule my next appointment. I’m going to Denver next week.” I made sure to cut that conversation off as quick as I could. “We won’t reschedule, we can just talk over the phone.”

Dr. Albi’s office was on the other side of town, and my appointment time was at the busiest traffic hour. The roads filled up with cars and trucks. People stopping and people road raging. Everyone having somewhere to go, something to do. And me? Just going home. As the sky began to darken and the roads began to clear, I noticed my apartment was near the freeway exit to the South. As I got off the freeway, the smell of onions and carne asada hit my nose. I decided to stop and get something to eat at the Taco Shop near the exit. The lot was nearly empty, 2 other cars parked opposite of me. As I walked into the Taco Shop the smell became even stronger. The other people were already eating their food, they were laughing and were clearly drunk. The cashier asked me what I wanted and I ordered 2 carne asada tacos and 2 cabeza tacos. I sat at the far end table and in about 10 minutes the cashier walked over with my food. The plate looked delicious but still my energy felt low.

I finished the 2 carne asada tacos and by then one of the guys from the table came over to me and asked me for a lighter. I told him I didn’t have one on me but I did in my car and if he would wait for me to finish I could let him use it. He didn’t say anything he just returned to his group. I finished and as I walked to the exit I began to say ‘You can use…” but one of the guys said a joke and their laughter drowned me out. I walked back to my car and sat inside smoking a bowl. When I got home the air inside was hot and still. The whole apartment was dark so I turned the bathroom light on and started my computer. Nothing was interesting to me and I browsed YouTube for quite some time. The same styled videos covered my feed with the same type of thumbnails every other video and pretty soon I stopped and remained staring at my wallpaper. Then I thought about the guy at the Taco Shop and the group ignoring me. Am I pathetic? Or were they just drunk and didn’t care? Either way I felt non existent, and I felt even more lonely as I sat quiet in my apartment.

A few days later I had arrived at the airport to board my flight to Denver. The airport seemed especially empty for a weekend but when I got to my terminal people had already begun to line up. The flight was short, so I used the time to nap and feel refreshed when I landed. A good choice I thought when I woke up. My body had felt like I needed that, despite sleeping in an airplane seat. It was about 9 am and I was very hungry. I got myself a Lyft and headed to Moonlight Diner. I studied the menu and contemplated getting one of each item. I ultimately decided on the biscuits and gravy, with a glass of milk. The inside of the diner was lively. There was two families, and a few couples sitting in the booths. I was sitting at the bar a few seats down from an older man. The waitress, Sue, asked me what had brought me to Denver. I didn’t have a cool answer so I told her I had never been here, and I had always wanted to see what it looked like. “A tourist, huh?” she winked at me while saying it, adjusting the broncos pin on her apron. When she brought me the biscuits and gravy she placed a napkin with her phone number on it and said she’d make a great tour guide. I wasn’t going to call her though. I didn’t want anyone but Lucy.

The hotel I stayed at was okay. The rooms were clean and the lobby looked nice, but they didn’t serve breakfast and that bummed me out. I hadn’t decided yet what to do with my time here and so I decided to take a Lyft over to Larimer Square. The weather was a bit cold and the sky had filled with clouds and a very light sprinkle. I walked up and down for about 15 or 20 minutes and finally stopped at a gay bar that had $4 beers. The inside was empty other than 3-4 guys down at the end of the bar. “Hello there, sir.” a blond, baby faced man said from behind the bar. “What brings you in?” I smiled unaware that the man was actually flirting with me. “Can I please have whatever is the $4 beer? I’m not picky.” I put my ID on the bar counter but he didn’t even look at it. He half smiled and turned toward the tab. “You like Miller Lite or prefer Coors?” “Miller, please.” I put a debit card where my ID was and asked to keep a tab open.

After about 6 beers, the 4 guys from down the bar had made their way over to me and asked to join. I told them I wasn’t gay but they pulled their chairs up anyway. “So if you ain’t gay what brought you to Charlie’s?” asked a guy with a mustache and a very tight blue tank top. “To be honest I have never been to Denver and the beers here were $4. I mean how can I beat that?” I still had no clue what I was doing here or in Denver at all but being drunk and not home was a blast. After my 6th I stopped paying for my beers anyway. As the day went on the music got louder and the lights got dimmer. The bartender had also asked me if I wanted to go to a party at his friends house after he got out but I declined and took my leave around 8pm. I walked through the cold streets of downtown Denver and found a spot to eat and to kill the drunkenness off.

I arrived at a greasy pizza place a few blocks north or maybe east from Charlie’s. It didn’t look too appetizing but I was buzzed and couldn’t care less. I ordered 2 slices and a coke and sat in a booth near the door. A few minutes after I began eating a group of friends walked in and ordered a few large pizzas. I noticed one of the girls kept looking at me and as I looked back she would avert her gaze away and then check back to see if I was looking. I must admit she was beautiful but smiling at her almost made me feel like I was doing wrong by Lucy. She must’ve noticed that because she came over to my table and sat in the seat across from me. Her friends were calling to her “Mary, what are you doing?” but Mary shoo’d them away “Didn’t get so lucky at Charlie’s huh?” she asked me taking a sip out of my soda. “Honestly they weren’t really my type, and yeah sure you can have some.” I was a bit annoyed at her but something in me found this interesting.

“Where do you live? Uhh..” “Eric” I replied. “Where do you live Eric?” Mary asked me sarcastically. “Well, I’m from Los Angeles, and this is actually my first day here in Colorado.” I didn’t want to have small talk but Mary wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Wait, what? You just got here?” The question seemed to have broke her. Maybe this was a locals only kind of pizza place. “Yeah I am here for a week. Don’t really know what I’m doing though.” It was the truth. So far, I hadn’t planned on anything and I didn’t really want to at this point. I was fine being the city’s new toy. “Do you want to see the cool places of Denver? I can show you.” Her friends called to her again saying the food was ready. But Mary declined to go with them asking if she could stay with me. I was fine with having a beautiful girl with me. “To be honest Mary, I’m not having the best moods but you’re welcome to accompany me for the time being.” she looked at me and took a second to respond. “Are you running away from something?” she asked almost hesitant now, a sudden change from her boldness. “Myself, I think.” I didn’t really think before I said that but it fit. “I lost a girl that I really cared about and I don’t know how to move on.” I kind of blurted that out to Mary. She didn’t know me or who Lucy was but I guess she asked and if she asked she would be ready for the answer.

“Did you guys breakup or did you catch her cheating on you?” her boldness came back right away. “No.” I stopped and thought about Lucy. I thought about when we went to the mountains and the beach and how we made each other feel happy. I looked at Mary and wondered if she had similar memories with someone close to her that she didn’t have anymore. “No I, lost my Lucy to cancer.” When I spoke my heart felt like it had exploded. I hadn’t said out loud Lucy’s fate and even while saying it I was surprised by it. “She died a couple years ago, but I can’t get over her. I don’t want to get over her.” I started feeling myself holding in tears. Mary had no idea who Lucy was but while she looked at me, her expression made it seem like she lost a friend too. “I’m so sorry dude.” Mary replied. She looked at me to say something to save us from the awkwardness. “Thank you for your condolences. This hasn’t been easy for me but getting drunk helps.” She smiled and looked outside and down the road. “Why don’t we see the lights from a view above. It helps me clear my head when I don’t feel right.” I agreed and followed Mary out the pizzeria.

We ended up at a park named Cheesman. The park was empty and we soon found a bench to sit and enjoy the night at. Mary’s friends had called her and every time she’d answer she would say “No, No, I’m good really I’m fine.” I asked Mary if she would like to smoke and she said “Fuck Yeah!” I packed us a bowl and let her have greens. The night here was beautiful and the city’s lights really made me feel like this vacation was needed. Mary took her hit and began coughing as she let the smoke out. “Ahh not used to actual good flower huh?” She stayed coughing and I patted her back to help her. “Ew how dare you call Denver weed trash while you help me from dying.” She looked up at the sky again and chuckled. “It is good stuff though.” She took another hit and passed it to me. “Yeah its one of my favorites. It’s okay though I cough myself.” and no sooner as I let the smoke out I began coughing. We laughed and talked about Denver and her time in college and a little more about Lucy. She asked me about Los Angeles and looked amazed at the stuff I find boring about the place.

“You know when I was 18 my boyfriend had asked me to go on a motorcycle backpacking trip with him to Washington. My parents didn’t want me to go and always said Travis was no good for me, but I loved him. He ended up going by himself and was hit by a drunk driver before he even made it out of Colorado.” she looked at me as if it was ages ago. Like a faded photograph. Not like my burning for Lucy. “I cried for him everyday for a year after that. I would send him text messages or call his phone to hear his voicemail.” she looked away down to the empty parking lot and then back at me. “It’s not at all easy to let go of someone you weren’t ready to let go of. But in time you learn that, that isn’t what you’re supposed to do.” I looked at her confused to what she had said. “What I mean is, you have to keep living your life for them. Everyday I think of Travis and what we were and what we meant to each other. But I am not dead and neither are you, Eric.” I looked away from Mary and back at the city’s lights. They danced as my astigmatism tried to make sense of the colors. Mary was right though, I was still living.

The next morning I woke up in my hotel bed with a horrific headache. I looked beside me and found Mary sleeping next to me. She was undressed but covered by the blanket. She looked beautiful even while sleeping. I sat up and grabbed my phone to go and take a shower, when my phone started ringing. Mary woke up and said “Good morning” yawning and blinking at me. “Would you like me to get us some coffee?” I asked. “Yes please. There’s a shop right next door that is very good. I like white chocolate mocha.” By the time I reached the lobby, my phone was ringing again. Dr Albi was calling. “Hello Dr Albi how are you?” I answered feeling myself more alive. “Eric how is your Denver trip going?” “It’s great doc.” and really it was great. I felt reborn and a new person. “Doc I honestly feel great and I think this trip really helped push me into a new chapter of my life. I also met someone.” You could hear the smile in my voice. “That’s great Eric, I’m happy for you. I hope your trip remains amazing and Ill see you next week.” I hung up the phone and exited the lobby, watching the snow fall down in Denver.