Cause of grief

“Here” I state in a voice almost unheard. The rest of the voices in the room drown out as if I am under water. My teacher, Ms.Mosley, must have noticed because she let me sit on my own while everyone else got into groups. She has always understood my little world. I thought yesterday would be the worst day for me, but I never thought about the days after. Knowing that all eyes are on me now I wish I could slump under my desk and hide. In this small town where everyone is a carbon copy of the other I have always felt as if I never belonged.

Once the class ends I stay in my seat in hopes that the world will disappear. Soon I feel my teacher's arms wrapping around me. My tears start to pour down my face, staining her shirt.

“I'm here, it's okay” she states. I stayed in her class room the rest of the class period. I tell her about the words being yelled. I describe the sentences of unwanted reminders. I explain what happened. I talk about my brother and how much I miss him. He was the only person who understood who I was. The sound of the shot ringing through the town plays through my head as I talk.

“I screamed but it did nothing. I couldn't bring him back” I cried. I feel as though I am walking through a world with something missing. As I trudge through this day all I can do to keep myself out of the huge waves crashing through my brain is hope. Hope that it is a dream. Hope that it all will go away. Hope for someone to stay.

Walking on my own in this place that we shared feels as though I'm a fish out of water. Flailing and gasping for air that I will never get.

As children my brother and I stuck together seeming as though we were glued at the hip. He was the life moving through me when I thought I had no reason to keep moving. So as I saw him with no movement left to give, I broke. I took a few moments to myself realizing I have to keep going. The still water he now represents still runs deep within my soul. This is what keeps my feet moving one in front of the other.

The movement of my feet became more and more violent, soon turning into a sprint. I am running but I am not sure where. I black out as I run out of the front doors of the school. I run and run until I make it to the river bend behind our house. The last place I ever saw my brother. The last place I will ever know of him. I stop running and fall to my knees; weak and scared. Now I am heaving with sobs I no longer have. No sound comes out of my lungs that feel as though they are collapsing.

I hear people calling my name but I can't move. I can not leave the place where my brother exists in the between stages of life and death. I sit in the lush green grass with my hands in the cool water of the river. Feeling the life of earth reminds me that we all exist for a reason I begin to sway back into reality. I hear Ms.Mosleys voice begging me to answer.

“I need to know that you will be okay.” She says, voice shaking. With no words left to say and my whole body shaking with grief I fell into her arms. She holds me tight for what feels like an hour. Slowly we make our way back to the school.

Once there I grab my bag with no place to go. She watches as I leave the school hoping she doesn't notice me going to the park. Nobody knows that my brother was my caregiver. He has been for the past three years. While I could always go back to our house I can't stand sleeping in what is no longer a home.

After years of memories filled with laughter and happiness it is now just plaster and paint. The door frame with my height marked throughout the years no longer brings me joy. I wish to tear down posters on the walls that he bought me not long ago. All of the walls and carpets remind me of him. I would rather not go back. Now I am on my own.

A few hours pass of me sitting on the swingset when I notice the sun start to dip into that amazing orange color. Never have I seen a sunset as beautiful as this one. The irony sets in as I realize how gorgeous this terrible day seems. I look to the houses surrounding me, and from afar I see families playing in their front yards and kids helping bring in groceries. I hear the laughter they all have. I realized that I had lost my laughter.

I no longer have the person who made my grins fill with the boisterous sound of joy. I see my future at that moment. I know if I stay on this playground, alone, I will not be able to grow. I will not have a future. I take a deep breath back into reality. As I sway back into the world I have been floating through I make a plan. My plan involves the one thing I have left, The truth.

The next day I slouched my way through the halls until I reached Ms.Mosley’s room. I break down with the truth of my pain. It seems as though the more words that roll off of my tongue and into the air the more she worries. Once all of the words are out of my brain accompanied by my tears and shivers she hugs me tight.

The worry I have is far beyond any feeling I have experienced. I look at her and she looks at me. This lasted for what felt like an eternity. Only it wasn't uncomfortable. It felt warm and safe. It felt like my home filled with laughter and joy. For a split second I feel my pain start to lift and the tears start to lighten.

“Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?” She asked with small words that feel like a blanket.

“No, I’m sorry.” I reply breathily with the tears starting again. Before I could say anything else she offered to let me stay with her until I could figure it all out. Not letting me refuse she started to make calls. By the end of the day it was final that I was living with her for the time being.

Little did I know that day I would end up staying with her. As my life goes on I have my people. Ms.Mosley took me in and now she sits in on every award ceremony and every show I am in. I am proud to say that I have made a life for myself that I never thought I would.