Goof

Occasionally, during a long drive, one has to make their own fun. This was Christian’s experience anyway. Cross-country road trips, long distance voyages to visit with family, lengthy commutes toward new career opportunities — the destination made no difference — the mundanity of the journey was often inevitable. Why not try to wring some enjoyment out of it?

Christian reveled in making his own fun, whether on a long drive or not. He was generally known for his irreverent sense of humor and prankster nature. His five year old son, Jeremy, who was currently buckled securely into his car seat in the back seat of the family sedan, absolutely adored Christian’s so-called “goofs.” The term, coined by Christian himself — as in, ‘I’m just goofin’’or ‘It was just a goof’ — was much maligned by many (if not, all) of his friends and coworkers.

Meredith, his wife of twelve years — who was fast asleep in the passenger seat at the moment — had long since grown tired of her husband’s antics, because, from her perspective, she always seemed to be the butt of them. She had pleaded with him repeatedly to stop ‘picking on’ her, as she put it, to which Christian would reflexively reply, ‘It was just a goof.’

He couldn’t help himself. The urge to mine a laugh out of an otherwise banal instance couldn’t be ignored, even if — especially if — it was at someone else’s expense. The more inappropriate the moment, the better. And his dearest Meredith — poor, gullible Meredith — was the perfect stooge. Her overreactions were frankly just too rich and, often times, funnier than the actual goof itself. Her hysterics after, say, a hyperrealistic rubber snake in the refrigerator, or the time she nearly ran her car off a residential road after, having hidden himself in the back seat, Christian — donning the iconic Ghost Face mask from the Scream movies — leapt up from behind her and grabbed her by the shoulders with an obligatory and, admittedly, uninspired, “BOO!”

“Jesus Christ, Christian,” she had said, once he’d removed the mask and after she’d righted the vehicle, realizing — just in time — that she’d fallen victim to yet another of his infamous goof snares. “What is your fucking problem?! You could have gotten us both killed.”

“Oh, Mere. Don’t be so dramatic. It was just a goof.”

So it went for years. And, today, on the last leg of a nine hour drive to visit Meredith’s parents, was to be no different.

They’d been on the road for the better part of seven hours, including a couple of stops to fill up with gas and allow themselves and restless, little Jeremy a chance to stretch their legs and stock up on snacks and beverages.

After about 45 minutes on the interstate, following their last stop, Christian spotted a semi-trailer truck towing the cab of another semi-trailer truck. The front of the truck being towed was facing them. Christian absentmindedly considered the surreality of the image. It created the illusion of a big rig driving the wrong direction down the interstate, against the flow of traffic, directly towards them.

Then, like an 18-wheeler slamming into his brain, the idea for an absolute gut-buster of a goof brought his mind barreling into the present.

He sped up ever so slightly so as not to awaken Meredith and to close the distance between the front of his vehicle and the backward facing semi.

He peeked into his rearview mirror to see Jeremy bored, staring blankly out of his window. The young boy’s boredom strengthened Christian’s resolve and provided him the perfect excuse in executing the goof when Meredith inevitably overreacted.

‘Jeremy was getting bored and restless back there,’ he would say. ‘I was just trying to keep him entertained.’ Surely, she would see the logic in that, then all would be forgiven, right? Right, he thought, seconding his own mental logic. It was settled.

He eased his way closer, putting the front of the towed vehicle twenty or so yards ahead of their sedan. He turned back to Jeremy and whispered loudly, “Hey, buddy?”

“Yeah,” Jeremy, following his father’s lead, instinctively whispered back.

“You wanna see a goof?”

Jeremy beamed. “Yes, sir,” he exclaimed, a little too excited and possibly too loud. Realizing his mistake, he clapped his hands over his mouth to stifle any further noise that might try to escape.

Meredith stirred slightly in the passenger seat.

Christian reflexively held his breath, his eyes darting back and forth anxiously between his wife and the road ahead.

Jeremy’s eyes went wide in expectation, fearing he’d ruined the goof before it ever had a chance to materialize.

Meredith slowly settled back into a position of relative comfort and stopped squirming in her seat.

Christian addressed Jeremy from the driver’s seat, again, in whispers.

“Alright, buddy. If this is going to work, you have to be absolutely quiet, okay?”

Jeremy nodded dutifully, relieved that he hadn’t spoiled the goof. He pantomimed zipping his lips shut.

“That’s my boy,” Christian said, full of pride. His son would be one hell of a goofster someday, he thought. “Now, Daddy’s gonna get really loud for a second,” he said, dividing his attention between the rearview mirror and the truck ahead.

Jeremy nodded, lips still sealed.

Christian gauged his speed in order to put himself just behind the conjoined trucks. Any unsuspecting person would absolutely believe that the diesel truck ahead of them was driving right towards them and would be mere seconds from crashing into them.

In fact, Jeremy momentarily broke his invisible zipper of silence and whispered, “Daddy it looks like that truck is gonna hit us.”

“Exactly,” Christian replied, smiling from ear to ear. “Are you ready?”

Jeremy nodded, sprouting his own mischievous grin.

Christian mentally assumed the role of his character and abruptly screamed.

“JESUS CHRIST!”

The sequence of events that followed only took a matter of seconds, but to Christian it felt like a lifetime and ran him through the full gamut of emotions from one polar extreme to the other, from absolute delight to unadulterated fear. From raucous laughter to dead silence.

Meredith jolted awake, immediately registered the panicked look in Christian’s face, then followed his eyes to the source of his panic. A full-throated shriek of pure terror erupted out of her when she saw the front of the truck ahead of them.

Without hesitation, she unbuckled her seatbelt, pulled the door handle, and leapt out of the vehicle, propelled by her own body weight and adrenaline, using both forces to push the car door open against the strong, 75-mph wind current.

Before making impact with the pavement, rolling limply into the oncoming traffic behind them, and being dragged like a rag-doll beneath round after round of rubber, she had just enough time for two realizations. First, that she had abandoned her son in a vehicle that was, surely, milliseconds away from being demolished by that enormous truck, and, second, that Christian’s voice was trailing after her, each word receding in volume as they reached her from an ever-growing distance. His very last word was audibly imperceptible, but she’d heard it enough times in her life to easily fill in the blank just before her death.

“It was just a…”

…