Before the Vacation

I was nowhere and everywhere.

The waves crashed over me. My eyes stared up into nothing as I laid on the beach, but my mind... well, it was tranquil. There was nothing that it focused upon in particular, but it was still and centered nonetheless.

There was a cloud above me. From where I laid drawn to the earth it seemed like a ghost, an apparition. Quick thoughts transformed it into a being floating across the skyline, and for a while that was what it was. There was no objection in the silent state of mind I existed in.

When the seagulls flew overhead, I didn't look up or flinch. I didn't gasp at the noise of their calls. I laid. In the sand.

**

Lilliana's vacation had been perfect. No one found it in them to object; there was clear evidence of her happiness and serenity on returning. In fact, no one took it upon themselves to bring it up. There was no point in ruining her mood by reminding her it was over. To her, though, it never was.

Lily drank no coffee or tea. To the coworkers that had seen her fits of caffeine-craving anger, this came as a surprise. To her, nothing more normal had ever been.

She left work each day in a happy haze, letting the inconveniences fall away. After all, what good was there in exciting herself over them? They would pass, and bliss would sustain.

Whenever Lily woke up at night in the month that passed her vacation, she got straight to business. There was no wasting time on her end; running to the pier to get her blood flowing was now a daily activity. It was no matter to her that she consistently awoke at four in the morning. To her, the vacation was gospel; even time bent to the will of her vacation customs.

The beach, that was where she had gone. Not a special beach, not an important one, not one of sentimental value. She had needed a break, so she got one.

**

Three months earlier, as Lilliana Hawbur awoke, she grumbled without shame. Her hair was frizzy with curls tangling themselves over and over. Even as she ran through her mug with a brush, it popped back up to bite her.

"Damn! Ugh, work already?" Old age had stretched her watch's leather until it was almost white, but Lily didn't notice. She was a sloth and proud, and there was nothing she would care about if she could help it.

As she hurried to slop on a pile of peanut butter on a floppy slice of bread, the refrigerator made a clanging noise. Lily popped open the door to check out what had fallen. Ah, the glass jar of milk. Lovely, spilling everywhere, shards everywhere. Well, that's something for tomorrow Lily to worry about, she decided.

When she got to the office, the door was ajar. It wasn't wide open or closed shut, just ajar. Lily also didn't notice this. There was nothing but the bare minimum that crossed her mind. After all, what else could she need?

Oh, dang it. She hadn't gotten her coffee. In all her rushing she'd forgotten. It was the fifth time this week, she thought, what could I be doing wrong? That wasn't a question that she was ready to answer, though, nor did she think it mattered.

Lily would pick some up at the break room. That was an efficient solution. See, no problem whatsoever. There was nothing to worry about after all.

Then she realized they were out of coffee. That's a shame.

**

Two months before the vacation, Lillian walked out from within the changing room.

"Do you like it?" she asked. Had she asked this question a month ago or two months in the future, there would be no answer. In this point of time, there was.

"Of course I do! It looks stunning on you, babe."

"Aw, Jamie, stop flattering." She soaked in every piece of praise he gave her, despite faking annoyance. Lil, what Jamie called her, relished each and every moment she had with her beloved man, nothing less.

"Wanna go home? There's a boxing match on." Jamie, always rushing rushing rushing. Well, it had tired Lil out anyway, though she simply stood there and modeled like a glamoured pig.

They fired up the engine to the car as the heater blasted the interior with warm air. It was wintertime, not the warmth of summer, which neither of them appreciated. Despite the sharp cold, one had to admit there was never a dull weather moment in their town. Certainly not while they were alive. Why, there was the hurricane in '02, some sort of tropical storm in '08... there were too many to list. None of the trivia mattered to our sweet couple, though, they simply cared about each other. Nothing more, nothing less.

While the lovebirds were making their way home, the pier was bustling miles away. Shrimp was being dropped off. Gallon after gallon after gallon of shrimp. Oh, and some trout. How could anyone forget the trout? It would be uncanny to imagine how Lil would see the pier in a couple dozen days... to live out those days indifferently in the eyes of one person to have a new start in a meaningless measure of time...

***

One month before the vacation, depression had found Lilliana. There was no other way to say her name, no fond nickname that didn't constrict the edges of her throat in sadness. She was sad. That was it, the purest form of sad. A sad that takes over all things, a sad that fogs up the glasses through which you see the world.

There is no other sad or happy in a world of this type of sadness. There is only the pain. After all, the sadness brings about the pain, and it is nothing if not efficient.

Lilliana had come to completely lose faith in all sorts of feelings. They were, to her, not a waste but a plague. A cautionary tale was all she was now, all she felt to exist as. There was no other purpose to life. In other words, nihilism.

Love? A nincompoop's attempt at making the world pretty in the form of another person.

Happiness? A delusion.

Lasting pleasure? There is no such thing.

Sadness? Now that's a truth. That's there and will always be there, was there when Jamie took his car from her driveway. Stars were watching above, she thought, laughing at me. Well, its not as if I deserve better.

**

Two months after the vacation...