Promise keeper

Today is April 31, 2020. I’m not sure why I care but I peep at my phone screen and take note of the date. It’s a Saturday. The sun is roasting my right arm, shooting through my bedroom window. The sting on my skin wakes me and I’m a bit groggy. I’m not sure what it is yet but something’s different. I feel different. I slide out of my old, single bed and slowly walk to the bathroom. I feel like brushing my teeth. Yes. It’s been a few months…maybe a year, since I was conscious about my hygiene or anything good.

My mirror is broken but I can make out my face in the corner piece on the wall. My eyes look like they’re carrying refuse bags and the weight is pulling at the rest of my face. I lift my left arm and gently rest my hand on my cheekbone. A tear meets my hand and I just stare at my reflection. I look like a shadow of me. I decided that the mirror isn’t lying to me and I need to do something about what I see. I want to grab my phone and call Dezzie, but a sudden reluctance halts my feet. I’m not too sure whose it is, but I hear a crisp voice say “Don’t”. I yield and look back into the mirror.

Mom would hate this. She’d probably cry at the sight of me.

I can almost hear her shouting “you need to eat, baby! No use being so beautiful and looking like a bad horror prop”.

She was funny like that. Always the light of the party.

I’m still crying while I tend to an itch in my back. I start to think…

Okay. I look terrible and the past few months have been a nightmare. I know all of this and have known it since last year but just didn’t care. Today it all hurts in a different way. Like a new perspective just hit me. It’s an epiphany! I smile into the broken mirror and give myself an imaginary clap for such a big word. Back when I spent time reading books I swear I could’ve won any English spelling bee competition in the world. I can’t remember the last time I bought or even held a book. I miss me.

I break a smile at that thought too. Something’s definitely changed. I should be on my second cigarette but I’m hungry and probably ran out of cigarettes last night.

Last night…

I take my shiny, underused toothbrush and squeeze a generous amount of Amway toothpaste over the brush. It’s beyond me how I’ve managed to keep buying quality products even though I haven’t cared to use them.

As I brush, I try to piece together the events of last night. I know that Sisco was violent towards me because of the bruises on my arm. They don’t hurt, or maybe they do I just don’t care to feel it anymore. He’s always hitting us for one reason or none. I wonder if Dezzie is alright and bow to spit out the toothpaste bubbling in my mouth. I drop my shiny toothbrush in the old cup on my sink and frown at it. I need to buy a new cup for that.

I walk back to my bed to sit, facing the window. It’s a beautiful day today, I want to make the most of it. Perhaps I’ll go by Granny Kane’s store and buy one of her old novels to read. She’ll be happy I stopped by.

I’ve been avoiding a single thought since I woke up but now I’m ready to confront it.

One night last year, I went to Sisco to tell him I didn’t want this life anymore. I wanted out of his makeshift pimping scheme. I told him I wanted to go back to school and honor my mother’s memory. I assumed he’d understand since I’d relayed the same to him at a local party some time before that. He didn’t. Instead, he’d gotten so angry that he threw his phone at the wall and when it shattered he threw me against it too. I think my rib is still broken but I didn’t care to get it checked then. I didn’t care about much after that day. Sisco feels like I owe him my life and absolute allegiance. It’s as if he thinks he’s…God. He told me I wouldn’t make it through a semester, let alone get a decent job. That I was a tragedy waiting to happen with my drug addiction and no discipline. It’s interesting that he knows what’s required to have some form of a decent life yet he’s stuck pimping women out for fast cash and dodging the cops. It’s almost funny really, except he crushed my spirit with those words, and kept me trapped in this loop of hopelessness.

I freeze on my bed as the sun hits my knees and the clock hits the tenth morning hour. He thinks he’s God. And he’s not. I’m shaking when I fall on my knees as my hair covers my face. It smells like ashes and I remember he nearly burned my hair off my head, waving a lit match stick over me. That prick. I’ll show him I can do it. I can get me back and never come back here. I don’t even want any fix right now, I’m more concerned about getting myself together so this year doesn’t end the same way last year did. I’m done with all of this. I don’t want it. I don’t know how it’ll all work out but I’m certain. I’m through with this chapter of my life.

I’m wailing but I’m joyful at the same time. I still can’t figure out what’s changed exactly but I know nothing will be the same from now. Two nights ago, I was contemplating starving myself to death in my room and dying alone from malnourishment. Now I want to go to school and get myself a haircut. What kind of transformation is that?

I rise with vigor and get ready to go to the salon. My hair is the first thing I’ll be taking care of. No one will hire me looking like this, and if I can’t get a job I won’t go back to school. I like this new perspective. My excitement rises by the second until I see my phone beeping. It’s Sisco. I stretch out my hand to grab it and silence the tone. It vibrates until it stops. He calls again and a knot ties in the pit of my belly. I swallow the fear, literally and pick up.

“What, Sisco?”

I sound calmer than I want to, but stranger things have happened today.

‘Who you talking to? I have your fix for the day, come and get it and get these girls to work. I’m tired of them lazing around in my yard. Money ain’t gon’ make itself! Hurry over here!”

I swallow that fear again and clear my throat.

“No.”

“Shay! I don’t like repeatin’ myself I said GET OVER HERE NOW, ‘FORE I BEAT YOU UP AGAIN!”

I’m in tears and shivering. His sharp tone makes me feel like a naughty five-year-old who deserves a hiding. I hate that he makes me cave in on myself like that. No more. I suck in my breath and look up while he continues screaming on the other end of the line. I feel an overwhelming warmth around me and close my eyes. I hear that voice again.

“You’re safe now. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

That does it. I breathe out and speak.

“I said no. I’m done and I’m not coming back there. If you come after me, I’ll show the cops what you did to me and get Dezzie to testify against you. I’m not as dense as you want to believe Sisco. Take this as a warning. Don’t call me again.”

I drop the call and throw my phone across the room. Fortunately, the floors are carpeted. I’m jumping and crying and twirling in my small room.

“I’m free! Mom was right. God is really with me.”