All's Well that Ends Well

All's Well that Ends Well

“It is such a nice warm day. Hey, would you like lunch now?”

“Me?”

“Yes you, well both of you.”

“I just heard the news. That guy you are talking about with the hunches, what’s his name? He was killed two nights ago. No, I do not have a hunch about who killed him do you?”

“Yes.”

“I’m making sandwiches. Would you like Turkey or ham?”

“Who killed him? Do you know? You say you have a hunch? Would you please come closer so I can hear you?”

“Yes. I’d like a turkey one.”

“It’s not nice to call a murder victim a turkey.”

“What?”

“I said, I’d like a turkey sandwich.”

“I don’t want a sandwich.”

“So Mr. Surkey, that was his name right? He was killed. He died just last night”

“You want turkey, not ham?”

“That’s right, I want turkey.”

“I’ll fix up three turkey sandwiches right away. Do you all want mayo?"

“I want Mayo.”

“No, I don’t think the mayor was involved.”

“I want mayo and no the mayor was not involved.”

“So two with mayo and one without. Do you want butter or mustard?”

“It could have been Colonel Custard I suppose. Yes, I think he is a suspect!”

“No, there was no murder.”

“So is that a yes or no for the mustard?”

“Yes there was a murder and it could have been Colonel Custard! Colonel or not, I just don’t like the man.”

“Would you like me to turn off the fan?”

“I don’t mind the fan. Can I help with the sandwiches?”

“What fan?”

“So the fan is fine then?”

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

“Ok, do you both want lettuce?”

“Let us do what?”

“Lettuce on your sandwich.”

“I don’t want a sandwich.”

“You said you did. You said you wanted a turkey sandwich with mustard.”

“No, I said you shouldn’t call a murder victim a turkey.”

“A murder?”

“Did you know they call a group of crows a murder?”

“I’ve got the two sandwiches with mayo done. Next will be the one with mustard. Are there crows on the lawn? Should I come look?”

“Crows? No, there are no crows. You can come look if you want.”

“Do you think it was a punch in the nose that killed him?”

“Killed who?”

“Mr. Surkey. He was beaten up and then he died. I call that a murder!”

“So there are crows out there?”

“No”

“No!”

“Mr. Surkey is dead?”

“No!”

“He’s not dead? Who’s dead? Who was beaten?”

“No I haven’t eaten, but I’d like to. Are the turkey sandwiches ready?”

“I haven’t beaten anyone.”

“No one has eaten.”

“So no one was beaten?”

“Mr. Surkey was beaten. Probably by Colonel Mustard.”

“I know you want mustard on your turkey sandwich. I can hear you just fine.”

“What?”

“He said he can hear you just fine.”

“Oh, ok then. Do you want chips?”

“Chips?”

“Oh I hadn’t thought about him! Chip was there wasn’t he? Do you think it was him? I do! Yes I do!”

“Ok, I’ll put some chips on the kitchen table. Then I can look out the sliding glass door and see for myself if there are crows out there or not. Are the ducks there today?”

“The lake is so pretty with some ducks! I think I see a mommy, daddy and two baby ducks just out a little bit past our dock! I love a scene with a duck!”

“Why are you mumbling? I heard you say something about luck. Hmmm well luck, you say? I was thinking the same thing. With some luck maybe they will find out who killed Mr. Surkey. “Oh look there are some ducks out on the lake!”

“I see the ducks. But I don’t see any crows.”

“No one said there were crows out there. Where in the world did you get such an idea? I’ve never seen crows here.”

“I’ll get it.”

“Get what?”

“Your beer. You just said you want a beer. I’ll get you a cold one.”

“Beer sounds good. I’ll grab one for myself too. Do we have any light beer?”

“The beers in the fridge right there on the top shelf.”

“I don’t fear the beer. I’ll have a full calorie one please!”

“What do you fear?”

“Nothing.”

“What?”

“He said his fears are none.”

“I don’t have a bun.”

“Ok. I don’t want a bun.”

“But he said he did. Tell him I don’t have a bun.”

“I heard you. My hearing is fine. I don’t want a bun.”

“Well you don’t have to yell at me. I can hear just fine too!”

“I am not yelling. I’m just making sure you hear me, that’s all.”

“Fall? I guess fall is a pretty time of year, but I’m glad it’s summer.”

“Me too! I’m just not ready to close down this cabin for the winter.”

“What are you talking about? It’s eighty-five degrees outside. We should get our swimming suits on.”

“After lunch I’ll go for a swim.”

“Where are those sandwiches anyway?”

“You want one?”

“I love fun, but first let’s eat a sandwich with chips. Then we can have fun and swim or float on floaties.”

“I think that sounds great! I still think it could have been the mayor, but it might have been Chip.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The murder of Mr. Surkey! I wonder if I should call the tip line.”

“Oh yes, we have dip. I’ll put it out.”

“Let’s eat. Everything’s on the table.”

“Well not everything. There are still some things to sort out."

“Do you like your sandwiches?”

“Yes.”

“Yes.”

“That’s good. Pretty soon you will be dead. I poisoned the sandwiches. It was me all along. It wasn’t Chip or Colonel Mustard. It was me! I killed Mr. Surkey and now you will both die too, Aren’t I a clever one? NOW everything is out on the table.”

“We won’t die. Remember I helped in the kitchen? I threw out your sandwiches when you went to look for a murder of crows. Do you hear the siren? He called the police. I have your confession recorded on my phone but it won’t be necessary. The cops already know it was you.”

“I can’t believe this! How did you figure it out? Why do the cops suspect me?”

“It was easy. You left your fingerprints all over the crime scene. Then right here, you left mouse poison on the counter so I threw out the sandwiches you made and I quickly made us new ones. I hear a knock on the door.”

“This is the police. Open the door.”

“Don’t open the door! Please let me flee! I wouldn’t have poisoned either one of you. I love both of you. I was joking about the poison. I just wanted to scare you. Please let me flee!”

“I don’t believe you. There are no bees in there. Now open the door. It’s me, Officer Mckee!”

“Bees? No, there are no bees here! I’m going to open the door. Hold on a second.”

“Here’s my card. Mr. Guilty, you are under arrest for the murder of Mr. Surkey. You have the right to remain silent and we hope you do.”

“I’m sure glad they took him away aren’t you?”

“Chew? Chew what?”

“You stop it now. The murderer is gone and we can get ready to go swimming. All’s well that ends well!”