So Long

On January 1, 2027, a face appeared across all media platforms, TV, and radio stations.

It was almost human, but not entirely. If I said that being blurry and out of focus worked to its advantage, you would get the general vibe.

The alien's first words to Earth were simple yet profound:

"GREETINGS, EARTHERS; WE WISH YOU NO HARM."

This was said in a ringing tone, followed in a more normal voice by:

"Forgive me; I could not resist the temptation. I have always wanted to say that. But now, let us move on to what may appear at times to be rather a satirical commentary on your planet, which, in fact, it is. My home world is Antichthon. Only one person in your entire history has ever hypothesised about our planet. That is unsurprising, as its orbit lies on the other side of the Sun, forever invisible to Earth's inhabitants.

That astute person was the philosopher Philolaus, circa 470. Luckily for us, he was ridiculed by his peers and many others throughout the centuries. We still have no idea how he gained that knowledge. One thought was that he may have had rudimentary telepathic abilities, thereby intercepting our communications through the ether. As I have mentioned, our planet is similar to yours, and so are we. However, we are far ahead of you in every way. I cannot emphasise this point enough. We are very far advanced.

That is the result of using Earth as a "What Not To Do" guide. We noted, evaluated, vetoed, or occasionally accepted each of your new trends and fashions. For instance, the Victorian era was far more challenging than we had imagined. We had not factored in that Queen Victoria, having lost Prince Albert and then forced permanent mourning on the nation, would be instrumental in causing mind-numbing boredom. This resulted in the need for travel and adventure.

The gentry craved constant stimulation. That resulted in many inventions and fads. The patent offices were forced to open larger premises to house the unusual and quirky artefacts that sprang from would-be inventors' “laboratories,”i.e., back rooms and garden sheds. It was almost de rigueur to have had a psychic experience as well. All things spooky came to a head when the excellent Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, made clear his belief in the photographs taken in 1917 by two young English girls. These pictures showed them playing with fairies at the bottom of their garden. When the pictures came to the notice of the aforementioned author, he declared them proof of the reality of fairies, spirits, and the afterlife, causing a public sensation. At that point, he vowed to return in triumph when he left the physical plane. The subsequent silence spoke volumes.

Moving on, we avoided the whole Glam Rock era. We, of course, nullified any threat that could arise from our version of Boris. Don't ask. We had banned the concept of Bitcoins and other cryptocurrencies for all time. Another well-thought-out ban was that on pets. Your world lavished far too much attention and money on what was a waste of space. Not to mention the heaps of faecal matter we managed to avoid.

Many of your dystopian disasters have helped draw up the blueprint for our utopia here on Antichthon. Full disclosure: We would not want you to think it has always been easy. Some of your hair-brained ideas, at times, seemed almost doable. This meant that the tendency for our young people to be fired by enthusiasm over yet another of your "Get Poor Quick" schemes meant we had to constantly monitor and guide them.

For instance, among some nightmare ideas were pet rocks, diet water, the walking sleeping bag, the pocket fisherman, and the neck - tie flask.

We were not against every idea, not at all. Our elders very much enjoyed the slogans, especially the ones produced during your lamentable wars. "YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU" was one. "LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS." Another corker. Pithy and to the point, a veritable art form.

Then, we became aware of your seventies sitcoms, amongst which were classics like “Heil Honey I'm Home!" "Marvin Marvin," and "Mrs Culumbo," and many more. We did not want to gloat or take advantage of you when you were floundering, but our reaction said it all. "Why?" Our Elders, as one, became convinced that the barbaric World War One and equally atrocious World War Two had obviously weakened your gene pool. Each time your bravest and fittest were cannon fodder. The damage then became obvious through the warped sense of humour that developed.

Although we concluded, in hindsight, that omitting anything to do with humour, irony, and sarcasm from our lexicon may not have been such a wise move. Still, that decision was made, and maintained, until the advent of "Cheers," Friends," and the squirmfest that was the British "Office." The illegal tittering was prevalent long before the ban was lifted.

All this may seem unfair, and it is. At no point in the aeons of time that have passed have we ever given a nanosecond's thought to helping Earth. We watched as Neanderthal man first picked up a bone. Hurrah, we thought, he can now bag larger prey and protect himself from savage beasts. When he used it to beat his neighbour about the head, then take his goods and chattels, including his three wives, the die was cast.

As we have visited your planet many times, we are aware that we are the cause of most UFO sightings. For that, we apologise. When we reconnoitred, we tried to stay in less populated areas. If we were spotted, we thought it would only be by those tobacco-chewing dirt farmers from Dustville or an Inuit or two in Greenland.

Inevitably, as you slowly evolved, we knew that your rudimentary technology would enable your "scientists" to become aware of our activities. You have reached that point, so it has been decided to end our study of Earth. We've had from you all we need. Any further visits might result in unexpected and unwanted contact. It has been noted many times that aggression is often your go-to position when in doubt.

We are sending this message to all of you via your primitive communication devices. As we will never return, we leave you with a misquote from a most excellent writer, who, because he was truly missed by us, caused us to welcome humour back into our lives.”

"So long, and thanks for all the don'ts."