This Soul-sucking Stardom

Lights flash around me, the bright, pompous echoes of a life of fame fading behind me as I rush into the bathroom and crash into a stall, leaning against the cold tile to wake me into reality. Today is the day that’s eluded me for years. The day I’ve dreamed of ever since I started acting.

A huge film with the biggest names of actors stationed right next to me. A lead role with the hottest actress in the industry. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s everything I’ve ever worked for. Everything I ever cared about. So, why do I feel so unhappy? Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel like none of it even matters?

I brace myself against the stall door, regaining my composure before the metal panel flips open with a squeal and I’m standing by the wall of sinks. I shoot for the last one, a glassy ceramic on the end, lights circling above it, rolled towels.

One hand slips into my pocket. I stare down at the tube of aspirin. I know I’ve already had plenty today, but it’s the only thing that seems capable of taking the edge off. I rattle a few into my hand and cup some water from the faucet, swallowing, but it all feels wrong.

This was supposed to be the day I would be thrilled about. The day that nothing else mattered but greeting the swarming fans and appeasing the interview-desperate press members. And instead? I’m popping painkillers and counting the seconds until I get to go home.

I stare down into the sink, watching the water swirl.

It isn’t right. But, for now, it’s just the way it is.

I straighten up, checking my reflection and making sure my suit is laying nicely, then comb back one hand to mess my hair and flip open the door.

Time to face reality again.

And, oh, how quickly reality comes.

“Bobbie!” I turn, hearing my stage name called from down the hallway and blinking to see a pretty looking reporter with her camera already in hand.

I let out a dull breath, practicing my grin so I don’t get caught flat-footed.

Come on, Rob. Be happy. Smile.

A second of practice passes before I finally get my face to perk into a grin and walk up to her, shaking her already extended hand.

She giggles, like she’s so excited to be here. And maybe she is. And if she is, good for her. At least that makes one of us.

“Bobbie Bintoni…” A smile crosses her lips as my name falls. “Any chance you’d indulge me?”

I let out a sigh, then remember the facade I have to put up.

Smile, Rob. Like you mean it.

My lips perk up again, and I nod, brushing the crusted salt of tears away from my eyes. “Of course,” I smile, faking it. “I assume you want an interview.”

She nods, eyes getting all gooey like they always seem to. “If it’s not any trouble…”

“No trouble at all.” I state, walking her towards one of our press rooms and finally getting the chance to drop the smile and bright eyes, even if it’s just for a few moments.

We walk inside. She takes her seat on the couch at the far side of the room, and I situate myself across from her, standing still as she positions her camera and fetches her clipboard, then takes up a cross-legged stance.

“And…” I watch her eyes glow, hand motions to her producer who seems to have slipped in and is now standing off to the side, undoubtedly surveying her footage as she records it.

“We’re rolling.”

I straighten up, bouncing up my face, forcing a smile, making my eyes look like I’m happy to be here and not just feeling sick inside. As an actor, I know what ‘we’re rolling’ means, after all. It means, put away your doubts, put away your feelings, put away yourself. It’s show time.

The lights beat warm on me, and it’s a good thing I had stage makeup done this morning when I got here. The reporter across from me opens her segment, those same, bright eyes and cheery smile, and somehow, I swear that she’s not just faking them like me.

“I’m Susy Matthews with the POP Acting News Agency, and today, I have a banger of an interview for you all! He’s the face of bravery, the man of the men, please welcome Bobbie Bintoni, the face of Ross Gadson in the newly to premiere film, All Silent in the Soul’s Safe Keeping.”

I grin, smiling wide as she reads off my title, but the truth is, it all feels empty. I thought all of this acting stuff would make me happy. That it was just a matter of time– just as soon as I got the role, as I got the paycheck, the job I really wanted, if I got to act with my idols– then, then it’d finally happen. I’d finally get the rush and smile and grin wider than I ever had in my life, because I’d finally have made it.

And now that I’ve made it– now that I have all I ever wanted– I’m miserable.

How could I have gone wrong? What did I do? Acting was my life– is my life. I worked day in, day out. Told the world I’d make it, and I did. But, for what?

“Thank you for being here, Bobbie…” I hear the voice of the reporter and shake back into the moment to answer her.

“Thank you for having me.” I grin. “It’s a big honor. You’re very kind.”

“Oh, the honor is mine, Bobbie. So, please, tell us, what’s it like to be such a famous actor?”

The truth? It’s miserable. It’s everything I thought I wanted but it’s sucking the life out of me. It’s like, nothing. No– worse than nothing. Because at least nothing gives you the chance to dream for something. Something gives you the chance to dream for everything, and everything makes you realize there’s nothing left to dream for. But, I know I can’t say that.

“It’s amazing…” I pull it out, forcing my voice to have the same boom it does on camera. “Obviously, I’ve been really lucky to have gotten this huge role and, to tell you the truth, it’s a dream come true for me to work with such an incredible cast. It hardly feels real.”

Yeah, the last part was the only true statement. It doesn’t feel real. And I hope it’s not. Because if it is, then I don’t think I’m ever going to be happy. Because, I’ve got everything. Gosh, I wish I could just wake up from a dream and be that broke guy again in the apartment I hated. Because then at least I have the hope of it getting better. If this is what the top feels like, I honestly wish the mountain didn’t even exist.

“Well, thank you, Bob.” She torts. “It really is surreal, I’m sure. And if my information is correct, I believe this is the biggest role you’ve ever had, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…” I grin, but can’t help but think, and the most soul sucking.

She smiles. “And what can you tell us about this story and about your character? Are there bits of Bobbie in Ross, or is it mostly just the character that you’ve stepped into?”

“Well,” I start, finally getting a question I can be somewhat sincere about. “Well, Ross’ story is one of really, of finding yourself, through the danger, and through the adventures that Ross has to, sort of, overcome in order to get back his honor, and, ultimately, rescue his lover, Blaise Thomas, through those perils, he learns who he is, and he learns that his honor wasn’t ever really something that could be stripped from him at all.”

“Very interesting.” She cheers me on.

“And, uh, for your second question, of course– I mean, of course, there’s aspects of me in Ross. Uhm.. He’s a fighter, he believes in, in something higher than himself, and I think, uh, I think that comes across, you know, hopefully in the way that I live my life too.”

“Of course…” She smiles. “Well, we are all excited to see you on the big screen, Bobbie. I know, many people just– just think you’re a phenomenal actor and this role was a long-time coming for you, so just– congratulations.”

“Thank you.” I manage to force an even wider smile. “Thank you so much.”

I glance up to the clock. It’s already been quite a few minutes of questions and I have another appointment scheduled for 11:00. I give her the motion under the table, and she nods, flashing me a wink as we wind it down.

“Well, I think that’s all the time we have for now. Bobbie, do you have any words for the fans of our show about the film– your acting–?”

“I’d say it’s a banger.” I answer, not missing a beat. “I’d say it’s one for, for really everyone to see, and I hope that my portrayal did the story that Justin and Igor came up with– I hope– I hope I did it justice.”

“I am sure you did.” She smiles wide. “Thank you so much for your time, we’ll… see you at the premiere tonight.”

“Yeah.”

And just like that, finally, finally the cameras cut off and I’m not on air anymore. I rub my eyes, feeling sick as I slump back into the cushions, letting out a breath.

“You feeling okay, Mr. Bintoni?”

My eyes shift open. Darn. I totally forgot she was still here.

I pull myself up, forcing another one of those tired, dead smiles.

“Yeah, just a little tired, it’s been uh…. Non-stop since eight.”

“Oh, of course…” She grins. “Well, I hope you get a nap before the big show– can’t wait to see you there.”

“Yeah,” I continue the facade. “See you at the show.”

And with that, the production crew disappears and I breathe a sigh of relief, cherishing a few moments of silence before I have to face the world. I don’t know how I’m going to do it tonight. I don’t know how I’m going to show up and fake a smile for the full three hours while the media blasts my face at every second to half the hemisphere.

I run one hand through my hair, staring down at my watch. It’s almost 11:00. And I suppose that’s the only sliver of light on a day like today. I insisted that Jennifer see me again before the premiere. And maybe I’m putting too much hope into her, it being only our third meeting. But, after how miserable success has made me, I think the hope of seeing her is the only thing keeping me going.

I force myself up from the couch, filing open the door and walking down the hallway, heading for the exit with speed and just hoping that I don’t run into any–

“Bobbie!”

I sigh, letting out a breath and stopping to face the stranger. That’s when I see that it’s not a stranger at all. Julie Parkes stands beside me, blonde hair curled over both shoulders, a snatched red dress accentuating her figure. My acting partner for over nine months. The other lead.

“Julie.” I state, flashing her a big smile. “How’s it going?”

“Oh, it’s going…” She laughs. “Everybody’s talking about us… and about tonight.”

I nod, not really sure what to say because I don’t want to outright lie in front of her.

“Say, speaking of… I’m planning to wear a silver cocktail dress, sleeveless with some glitter heels–”

“Sounds great–”

“Yeah, well, I was thinking, us being, you know, a pair and all, you should find something to match me, so we look good in the pictures?”

My eyes drift to the floor. Maybe I should be focused on this stuff, too, but I’m not, and I can’t understand how she is. Is this really what happiness feels like? Is it really just a flashy coat and some shades? My gosh, I’ve never felt more empty in all my years.

“Right.” I affirm, agreeing because it’s clear she doesn’t feel the same way that I do. And maybe she’s just gotten used to it. Maybe this is the star-life. If it is, I guess I know why stars have short careers.

“I’ll match you. Now, if you don’t mind,”

I squeeze past her before getting caught again by the lingering conversation we’ve started.

“Oh, and make sure you’re there early for interviews. I know at least a dozen agencies that want us both on air together–”

“Got it.”

“And, smile–” She finishes, the one demand I can’t obey. “For goodness sakes, Bob, it’s the happiest day of your life– look alive!”

The happiest day of my life, she says. If this is the peak, I’m done. Does any of it even matter? I thought I’d feel happy. I thought I’d have joy. I thought I’d be thrilled, but all I feel is–

“See you later, Bobbie.”

“See you,” I force a grin, but apparently it’s not that good if Julie saw right through it. Still, though, it doesn’t matter. Luckily, I’m not totally hopeless. Luckily, I have an appointment with Jennifer and the hope that she can turn this day around. I head for the door, glass swinging behind me as I step out into the frosted parking lot of the convention center, searching the rows of cars for mine, and–

Bingo.

I spot her off the corner, a Royce that Justin thought I just had to have now that I’m living the life.

I flip open the door, climbing inside as flashy wheels roll underneath me, the windshield heaters melting the ice instantly as the world passes by like a blur. I’ve only been to this office a couple times, but I already have the location memorized. I pull off the main street and into an underpass, cars flying by me.

My foot taps against the gas, the only thing propelling me forward at this point. Because, I’m so done. All the fame, the attention, the role, this is what I’ve worked for. I gave my life for this. Worked long hours, pulled full nights. Why? Because I wanted to make it to the top. Where everyone smiles and is happy. Everyone. Everyone except me.

I pull into the lot of the office building, feeling like maybe there’s something wrong with me. After all, I have it all, and I'm still not satisfied. Everyone else seems to be. Everyone seems to be happy and reveling in the fame and attention and stardom, so why not me?

I slunk out of the car, tossing off my shades on the dash, zipping my coat up and locking my car as I pace across the cement and to the front entrance. Glass windows greet me; potted plants arranged neatly in their frames. Besides that, is a sign, pasted on a glass door front.

Giving Hope Counseling

It reads, and I fling open the door, stepping inside. It still feels a little embarrassing– to have it all and still need to come in for a shrink. But, at this point, I’m flat-out miserable. Any pride I had has taken a back seat. I need somebody to help. Truly. And if this is the way I’ll get it, no amount of bad publicity would be too great a price.

“Good morning,” A woman smiles at the desk, her head peeking out behind a computer. “You’re…”

“Robert Bintoni.” I state, hoping she doesn’t recognize the name from the–

“From the big movie?”

I sigh. Vain hope, I guess. “Yep.” I confirm flatly. “I’m here for an 11:00 appointment with Jennifer.”

“Okay… you just uh… you just go ahead on in, I think she’s ready for you…”

“Thanks–”

“And congrats on the movie– I’ll be at the premiere with my daughter.”

I shake my head, so sick of talking about the stupid movie. “Sounds good. Thanks.”

And just like that, I slip off, heading for the door on the right where Jennifer’s office is located. A sign dangles on the door: Jennifer’s Room of Recovery scrawled across it. I knock twice, then hear a buzz and flip open the panel, stepping inside.

“Robert!” Jennifer greets me, smiling by the door and the everything you say stays here sign. “Go ahead and take a seat.” She instructs, and I do, positioning on a bright blue armchair. She takes her seat on the one beside me, bright eyes.

“Alright, Robert… Are you ready to begin our session?”

I nod, glancing at the clock which is already reading 11:01.

“Okay, Rob… so, tell me, how’s it been going?”

I let out a long, tired breath.

“That’s okay… just, get it off your chest. Everything stays here, okay?”

I nod, beginning. “Well, I’m just… I’m just feeling really down because I have this huge role in a movie, everything I ever wanted, and yet, I just feel so unhappy. I don’t know what it is, I’m just– I’m just so frustrated. It’s like everything I wanted, it’s just empty, and I hate it, and I guess I just keep thinking– what’s the point of getting everything you want if you… lose who you are in the process?”