Exposure Therapy

A pair of crows sit in the tree at the corner of the neighbors yard. The street below hums with car engines, human chatter and the distant sound of construction. This doesn’t seem to phase them, the pair sit calmly together atop a swaying branch, taking turns preening one another. She watches the birds from an apartment window with a pit of jealousy that sits in the depths of her stomach. It seems so unfair that these birds can exist so peacefully above such a loud world. But maybe that's just it she thinks, they get to live above it while she is forced to exist in it. A journal sits on the coffee table beside her, maybe this is a good moment to write about. Her last therapist told her it was good to document these instances of out of place emotions, said it might help Jenny to see a pattern in her thought processes. She contemplates for a moment but is interrupted by a knock at the door.

The brewing envy that was just taking hold of her core is quickly morphed into a swath of anxiety. Her eyes move to the door and away from the crows, she's had this appointment for months and she's been waiting for that knock all morning and yet she still doesn’t quite feel ready to face the person on the other side. One more glance at the tranquil pair above and she begrudgingly lifts herself off the chair to open the front door. A pang of momentary regret flashes in her temples as the door creaks open.

“Hi, you must be Dr.Harding.” The brightness of the sky makes her squint to see the stranger's face. The buzz from the street behind oozes into her 700 square foot space and reverberates off her walls at her. This alone is enough to make her dizzy, never mind the anxiety that still consumes her abdomen.

“Good morning, yes and you must be Jenny?”

“Please come in” Jenny rushes to close the door as the stench of the city starts to sear her nostrils.

“Sorry, yes I’m Jenny. Please take a seat.” Having a stranger in her home for the first time in who knows how long makes Jenny realize just how claustrophobic her apartment is. Usually the confines of her walls feels comforting, but right now it's borderline suffocating.

“I’ve heard that you have “special” methods that you use in your sessions with patients?” Jenny asks as both take a seat across from one another. This was the only reason Jenny had wanted to schedule this appointment in the first place. After countless therapy sessions before, with dozens of other therapists and psychiatrists and no improvement, it was time to try something new. All of the other therapist websites seemed the same as the last, but Dr.Hardings marketing had some bold claims that sounded new and innovative in a way that she hadn’t heard of before and she felt it was time to take a chance.

“Yes you could put it that way. I’m assuming you have already signed all of the necessary waivers? If not, I have a copy that you could sign now.”

“Oh yeah I sent those in to your office weeks ago.”

“Good. Now before we get started I have an intro that I give every new patient just so you know what to expect as we move through this session. As I'm sure you already know, I specialize in a type of “exposure therapy”. We are going to revisit the exact moment that is causing any symptoms that you may be experiencing and see if we can, well, lets say rearrange it. Now, it will be intense, just as intense as the first time it happened and I need you to understand that this method is only going to work for you if you are fully committed. Of course you still have the option to quit at any moment but just know, you won't get the full effect if you do decide to end the session early. Any questions?” Dr.Harding has a very stoic air to her. It makes Jenny a little uneasy, she is used to these doctors being soft and inviting, Dr.Harding is here to do a job and is making that very clear.

“Yeah, your website mentioned that by the end of this my memory of the event will be different. Is this like some sort of hypnosis thing?” This question seems to vaguely irritate Dr.Harding, it's subtle but the corner of her mouth frowns just enough for Jenny to notice.

“No. I don’t believe in hypnosis, this will be more real than that, and if our session is successful, the effects will last you much longer than any hypnosis could. Now, could you remind me of what you are going through and tell me a little bit about your current symptoms?”

“Well, I have been stuck in this apartment unable to leave for about 3 years now. It started after I was mugged during an afternoon run, I got pretty beat up and ended up in the hospital for about 2 weeks. When I finally got back home, every time I tried to leave I would have a panic attack that eventually turned into blackouts. My agoraphobia hasn’t been this bad the whole time, the first year I was able to get around the block to the grocery store and back about once a week. But lately, I can barely open the front door for more than a few minutes without feeling like I might faint.” Every time she delivers this monologue to yet another doctor she is reminded of just how weak she feels. Her old life was so alive and bright, she hasn’t known that side of herself in far too long.

“I see. And tell me a little bit more about the incident?”

“I used to go on long runs on the bike trail across town, usually between 10 and 15 miles depending on the day. That day I was on mile 7 and I had ear buds in. Granted I usually went out with a running club and not just on my own but it’s really not that far from here and I would see solo runners over there all the time so I didn’t think much of it. That particular day though, two men came up behind me, I didn't see or hear them coming. I honestly don't remember much of it but somehow it’s still able to paralyze me and hold me hostage here.”

“Ok, let's see if we can jog your memory then. Try to remember it again but this time I need you to lie down on your back and close your eyes.”

Jenny's shoulders slump, this was starting to feel gimmicky, isn’t that the line that every therapist in the movies use. She pauses wondering if she should just ask this doctor to leave, she can’t face more disappointment at the hand of another unsuccessful session. At this point though she is still somewhat invested in seeing this through even with her growing skepticism. So she moves some pillows out of her way to make room on the couch and lies down. “Ok now what?”

“I need you to close your eyes for this next part.”

“Ok, done.”

It goes quiet for a moment and before Jenny can ask Dr.Harding what she needs to do next she is startled by the sound of music blasting in her ears. Go It Alone by Beck, a song she hasn’t heard in a long time, a song she never intended to listen to again. She opened her eyes ready to end this session. How did Dr.Harding know to play that song? She had barely said anything to her, certainly she hadn’t shared any of the real details yet. But as she opens her eyes she is blinded. The light seems to radiate towards her from every direction, suddenly it is much brighter than it had just been in her apartment. The air is different too, warm and dense, no longer stale and chilled. As her eyes adjust it becomes very clear that she is no longer in her dreary apartment. And it’s not winter anymore, she's been transplanted to the middle of summer. Was she dreaming? She didn't remember falling asleep. Her chest felt heavy too, like she couldn’t catch her breath, a feeling she was used to by now when finding herself outside. But this was different, it wasn’t the breathless precursor to hyperventilating that she has come to expect, it was more like the kind of breathlessness that you get after cardio. Trying to catch her bearings she looks down and finds her feet inside her running shoes and the familiar path she hadn't seen in years. She looks up, panning around, she knows exactly where she is. She is now somehow across town just feet away from where she lost her freedom.

Her head spins, trying to catch up.

“Do you recognize where you are?” Her music is interrupted by Dr.Hardings voice.

“You have access to my ear buds too? What is happening right now? Am I asleep?” Her initial confusion quickly turns to anxiety and frustration.

“No you are not dreaming. I turned back your clock for you. This is the day that the incident occurred, correct?” Dr.Hardings voice was annoyingly calm, as if she hadn’t just stated the most absurd thing that Jenny had ever heard from a therapist.

“What do you mean you turned back my clock? Why can’t I see you? What are you doing to me?” The anxiety was taking a strong hold, she could feel herself starting to wobble.

“Remember, you can ask me to stop at any point. You're in time limbo right now. Technically you aren’t in the present but you also aren’t fully in the past. Anything that we work on here won’t really change what happened to you, just what you remember of it. But your environment is very much real. Now why don’t you start jogging in the direction that it happened, I’ll be here to coach you through the next few moments.”

At this point Jenny didn’t know what to think, she bent down to touch the ground in an attempt to ground herself. But the realness of the dirt under her hand makes her brain feel even further from this reality. This was not a moment she truly wanted to relive, it’s not at all what she thought this version of “exposure therapy” was going to be. Without really thinking about it she finds herself jogging, as if she had been the whole time.

“Good, now as you pass this tree coming up on your left, that's where it will happen. The men are behind you as we speak.”

She could feel the adrenaline drop through her veins as she spots the tree Dr.Harding just mentioned. Her chest heaves hard as sweat drips off her cheeks. Just before she passes it her morbid curiosity takes over and she turns her head back towards the men charging at her. This becomes the first major difference between the real event and what is happening now. She can hear their breath heaving in and out and their clunky feet pound on the ground. As she locks eyes with one of them she realizes this is the first time she has been able to see their faces before it happens. Usually she is only able to remember bits and pieces of their mugshots taken after the incident, but never any true details about them during the interaction. But now his face is red and his ears bloodshot, there's a level of hunger in his eyes she doesn't recognize as human. He looks more like a wild animal to her than a person.

She keeps moving forward, turning her head back around, charging past the tree and picking up her pace as best she can. Even though she hasn’t gone running in three years, in this moment it comes so naturally to her. Then again maybe at this moment it hasn’t been three years, maybe it has been no time at all, that part is still a bit fuzzy in her mind. She hears one of them yell something, but it is muffled by the pounding of her own heartbeat and the blaring music in her ears. This part is new to her, she doesn’t remember anything past the tree. After locking eyes with the first man, she has an ounce of confidence that she never had before. This perspective of the event is both terrifying and exhilarating. She knows what's about to happen and how that will inevitably change her life moving forward but it doesn’t feel as viscerally real as it did the first time. There is a tinge of mystery as the events have already been slightly manipulated, with the added knowledge that she can ask for this to end any second, a luxury she wishes she had the first time.

She keeps running, but now that sliver of confidence gets the air knocked out of her as she hits the ground face first. It’s feeling familiar again. The shock, the pain, the panic. The man on her right rips the ear buds out of her ears and starts yanking her hair back. A new fear arises, how will she communicate with Dr.Harding now? Those ear buds were her lifeline out of this nightmare. Fear washes over her, taking hold of her entire nervous system in an instant and she loses the little control that she had just gained.

“Make it stop! Make it stop! I can’t do this again, please! Please!” She cries out, thrashing her body, flailing her arms and kicking her legs in any and all directions in a desperate attempt to keep the men off her this time.

Silence.

The air is stale again, the room much darker than the sun that just beat down on her face. Her heart still pounding and sweat still lingering on her brow. She opens her eyes to the blank, off white ceiling above her couch. The whiplash from the transition back into this reality again makes it even harder for her to catch her breath.

“For your first time, you did much better than most. Some don’t even make it past the initial shock of waking up in the past. You should be proud of that.”

Jenny just lies there, still staring at the ceiling in disbelief by what she just experienced.

“Your next session will come much easier now that you know what to expect. We’ll continue on with the same approach, revisiting the same moment over and over until you are able to get through the whole thing. Once you have achieved that, we will try it out for real, on the trail in current time. But for now, rest, I’ll be back here in two weeks for your next appointment.” And with that Dr.Harding gets up, leaving Jenny in a puddle on the couch.

As the door closes behind the doctor, Jenny's eyes move from the ceiling back to her apartment window. The window that she has grown so fond of as it has been her only portal to the outside world. The crows still sit together in the tree at the corner of the yard. Though now they are more alert than they were earlier. She can't tell how long it's been, it feels like both and eternity and seconds since she was watching them preen each other.

The heaving in her chest subsides, she catches her breath and the first crow flies away.