MOTHERS AND DAUGHTERS

CW: Themes of emotional abuse and familial trauma

When Tonya was six, her mother took her to the school psychologist to have her intellectual and cognitive abilities and capacities tested prior to starting primary school. She was standing in the corner while the psychologist talked to her daughter.

- So do you have many friends?, he asked.

- I do but sometimes I hide from them in the cupboard when they come calling me to come out to play, said Tonya seriously.

- What do you mean?, the psychologist was confused.

- Well, I want to read and they always want to play so I pretend I am not home - Tonya explained. The psychologist looked puzzled.

- But don’t you want to play with them?

- I want to run and play dodgeball and hike in nature but they want to play with dolls, pretending to be teachers or hairdressers and I really hate it so I just hide until they give up - Tonya said honestly.

The psychologist looked worried.

- And what do you want to be when you grow up?

- I want to be a feminist! - Tonya said proudly.

The elderly guy was shocked.

- Do you even know what a feminist is?- he asked.

- Yes! A woman who fights for other women’s rights! - Tonya said and added:

- Gloria Steinem was born on the same day as me. Ask my mom!

Her mother was beaming with pride how smart her daughter was. The psychologist shot her a freezing look.

- What kind of books do you give her to read? This is not healthy!

Her mother’s smile faded. She had never faced criticism because of Tonya’s interests before. Her daughter learned both alphabets early, read fluently at 4, but she was also a friendly, kind and curious child who was invited to every birthday party, never tried to overshadow others and rarely talked about her personal interests with her friends. This was the first time she felt uncomfortable – this man simply did not understand Tonya, he didn’t even try!

- Isn't a school psychologist supposed to understand different children of different abilities and not make them feel bad about that?- she asked, feeling a huge lump in her throat.

He gave her a frown and said in an unpleasant tone: - Nobody likes a know-it-all!

As they were leaving, she hugged her around the shoulders and said:“ Promise me you will never stand out!“

Tonya was confused. She always kept to herself. She rarely shared her interests with her friends since she knew they wouldn’t get it or that they might get it wrong. She pretended she enjoyed being a hairdresser (nothing wrong with the profession, she just hated role playing games), asked her father to buy her the CDs of the singers she knew would be played at birthday parties (she was always invited), wore denim skirts and stupid shoes, all so that she wouldn’t stand out. At home, she listened to French chansonniers, watched ballet plays on TV, and her biggest joy was coming home from preschool, finding it empty and cranking the record player all the way up singing to “Spanish Harlem” and Etta James.

When she started school, Tonya learned quickly to be even quieter than before. The teacher didn’t like smart kids. He loved to execute punishment if she dared read fluently or give an intelligent reply. Ten hot strikes, ten per each palm. He knew she saw through him but being well-mannered and respectful, he relied she would never complain to her parents. The breaking point came when she, innocently in a typical childlike outburst of honesty, corrected him that Mars was indeed "the red planet" and not Saturn. He went ballistic and called on other kids to boycott her. The boys didn’t obey but her so-called friends, oh, how they did ignore her! When she realized he wouldn’t think of calling her parents, she packed up and left and the father of one of her friends came to her mom’s work to retell what had happened. Tonya simply said: “This, too, shall pass. I will leave this school eventually and he will always be a jerk!”

In high school she thrived. Her intelligence and bookishness were respected by her teachers, but she was also quite popular. Once she was invited to the senior prom by the most likeable senior, she was suddenly put on the map of popular girls. Still, she wanted to study in France and since her presence at parties clashed with her curfew hours, she had plenty of time to do what she liked – read, learn, explore. However, her parents’ money intended for her studies was embezzled by the banks that had gone bankrupt so her French dreams became an illusion. The war broke out and she started learning English on her own, a talent for languages that she had got from her father.

At university, she continued to be one of the most successful and popular students. Her beauty bloomed and she was constantly surrounded by admirers and all kinds of friends. Of course, she knew that most of those people were not her real friends, but she enjoyed her whirlwind social life while breezing through undergrad studies. She finished them in record time and started her postgraduate studies while working already.

The only dark spots were her home visits and the fact that she had to return to her hometown to help her parents financially. Or did she?

All the while, she spent almost all her summers in her grandma’s village. She could cook, bake, tend to domestic animals (except for cows, she was really afraid they would kick her in the head while trying to milk them), gather hay all day long like a pro (“the best hay gatherer in the mountain straight from the downtown asphalt”). Her favorite part every summer was when her parents would leave, and she and her grandparents were alone. She would got up at 6, went straight to the orchard, and until she had filled at least two big barrels with ripe plums, she didn’t stop. Then her grandpa and she would make plum brandy. Tonya enjoyed all those moments of peaceful solitude that made up for her hectic social life in town.

After the war, she got a job with a UN agency. Suddenly her phone was burning because every influential politician in the region, mayor included, called her 20 times a day. Then she got a promotion and moved on to an international bank. She loved the job and never felt tired. She started learning German three times a week and clubbing in a big city nearby. She learned so many things and that is something many people didn’t understand – she loved learning new things and developing her existing skills and capacities. From bank she transferred to being the most successful sales rep in the history of the company. Then she switched to education and other kinds of training and became the leader in the field, often featured in national newspapers and on national TV.

There was one person who started hating her success. The person who had hidden her passport when she got a scholarship for the Open University in Hungary two days before her departure. The person who suddenly didn’t like to see her riding and conquering the waves. The person who had hidden all the invitations in blue envelopes for the short-listed candidates for an interview, including those informing her that she got a job in another city. Her mother, who used to be so proud of her, couldn’t stand her success but she loved her money. Oh, she had thrown such a tantrum when Tonya failed to buy her Louboutin shoes on sale. A similar tantrum followed when she thought Tonya didn’t spend enough money on her birthday present. Then she asked for very expensive silverware. Super-expensive moisturizers. Then she would mock Tonya for not being able to save some money.

She started with hurtful comments about her looks. Unlike Tonya, who was beautiful and attractive, her mother was a typical “plain Jane” who managed to look presentable thanks to good cut and quality of her clothes. The clothes she had bought and never worn outlived her. She resented Tonya’s wide shoulders, narrow waist and hips, good legs and beautiful face – she reminded her too much of the girls who had made her life hell when she was in high school. The fact that Tonya had quite a few boyfriends and never married was another thing to throw at Tonya.

“What good is your beauty and brains when you are single and childless?” – she would ask. Tonya was shocked at first. She had no idea what had happened. Her mother was her great support and suddenly she became her worst enemy. Over time she realized her mother was emotionally stuck in her teens when fear of rejection and indifference by her peers and the need to dominate and “show them” was stronger than any maternal feelings. She didn’t see Tonya as her daughter anymore but as her rival. She treated her as an annoying younger sister (though the age difference was 25 years). She even went so far to insult Tonya’s boyfriends or argue with their parents in public.

Tonya was mortified at first but decided to take some steps. First, she learned to keep her private life extremely private. Then she did some digging about her mother’s past. It turned out she was an outsider at university who set her eyes on the most successful and popular student, made friends with him and then asked him to help her “manage her wedding night” (she was engaged to another guy at the time, an army officer living in a different town). That’s how Tonya was made - bang, bang, boom and there was a baby. Whenever Tonya sided with her father, her mother would scream:” You owe everything to me!!! Your life belongs to me! Your degree is mine! I own you, don’t you ever forget it!”

Tonya fought tooth and nail for her freedom. As she was digging more dirt, she started to understand her mother. Some women are great actresses in life, but they lack genuine identity. They juggle many roles but simply go through the motions with those expected from them. She had never outgrown being the daughter, so it was quite natural she was incapable of bonding with her own daughter. Thank God for grandma, Tonya would often think. How could that selfless woman give birth to such a self-obsessed person?

Tonya even stopped dating because her mother got sick and “somebody” had to take care of her aging grandparents. Not her brother who had never worked, not her cousins who were clubbing all the time or her older relatives – nope, it had to be her. She held at least two jobs, managed to get a number of health issues and was cornered into caring for her grandparents. To be honest, she wouldn’t be able to walk away and leave them but not like this, with her mother stomping metaphorically on her and doing her best to make Tonya fight for air.

After all, Tonya had betrayed her. Her beauty and brains were supposed to get her the most desirable husband, the President of Planet Earth, if possible, someone with ten PhDs, 5 Mercedes cars, millions of dollars, and then she, her mother, would be vindicated by Tonya’s amazing match. Tonya also refused to stick to her mother’s agenda. There were so many conditions to fulfil for happiness and that stupid girl decided to be happy on her own terms.

She read Tonya’s diaries religiously and even underlined certain parts in red pen to let her know she had read it. She went mad with jealousy and what-not when she was reading about Tonya’s sexual exploits, amazing orgasms and the things her boyfriends had done for her. That was not her daughter, that was another one of those bitches from high school that had humiliated her every chance they got.

The big bang occurred when her mother, in a tomb-like voice, told her why her most painful breakup had happened at 22. She actually harassed the only person Tonya loved with all her heart, calling him, going to her house, refusing to pass his messages to Tonya since they both worked double shifts. No mobile phones back then. She “explained to him that he was ruining her daughter’s bright future”!

- The bright future of the person cleaning your parents’ shit, their personal nurse for free? – Tonya asked and continued:

- Your personal servant? The person you jerk around because you hate pretty girls?

Her mother said: “If he had truly loved you, none of the things I had told him would have mattered to him. He would have stayed with you!”

Tonya was clinging to the sofa armrest so hard that her knuckles went white. Her mother was getting ready for a brain MRI the following week.

- Listen closely. I know that you think you acted in my best interest. You didn’t. I know people would say you had the best intention. I know you do things if and when you can benefit from them. So don’t sell me that shit how he was supposed to act. Somebody suffered, more than one person. Some people went through a great deal of heartache and pain just because you decided to play God. Who do you think you are????? Just an average woman, completely void of any maternal instincts!

Tonya’s voice started to go high. She took several deep breaths and said:

- If the MRI shows you have had a brain tumour for quite some time, I will forgive you. Otherwise, you are nothing to me.

She left the room and went to the kitchen to start dinner for her grandma. Her loving selfless grandma who had also been the target of her mother’s seemingly harmless quips that stabbed harder than the sharpest knife. After an especially vicious comment how stupid Grandma was, she turned to Tonya’s mother and said:

- Eh, daughter, that is the thanks I get for toiling on other people’s fields and wearing men’s boots to help you go to school of your choosing and have the finest clothes so that other kids would envy you and accept you! Thank you, my dear daughter! You have taught me an invaluable lesson.

- Hahaha, well, mom, it was high time for you to learn something in your life! – her mother said full of herself, looking around to see who else would side with her and join her creepy laughter.

Tonya was shocked by her mother’s cruelty and arrogance. Better to be a person of integrity than an arrogant bitch. She ran to her grandma’s rescue: “Nana, let’s go to the kitchen, I want you to show me how to make your pie!”

Her Grandma was wiping tears there and Tonya never forgot them.

When her mother died, Tonya felt the heavy weight lifted off her shoulders. Naturally, it would take her years to talk about it without feeling guilty. Why would she? The woman did all in her power to stop her from any kind of success. Perhaps she did have the best intentions but for whom? Perhaps she wanted Tonya to have everything but not on Tonya’s terms. Perhaps she did want Tonya to be married and have kids but when Tonya said her kids would be her most precious and important people in the world to her, her mother called her ”selfish, and ungrateful”.

Who can tell? In the end, Tonya felt sorry for her. The woman lived a life built on expecting other people to make her happy and complete, manipulating them and even turning her kids against each other to save her butt. She died sad and unfulfilled.

When her grandma died, Tonya could hardly cope with that. The embodiment of unconditional love was gone. The woman who begged her to leave if taking care of her was messing up her engagement. A couple of hours before her death, she said: “Honey, you have been coughing a lot lately. When I die, go see the doctor first.”

Being a mother is not simply a matter of giving birth. It is a matter of love and kindness, confidence, acceptance and trust – not of domination and manipulation. When there is manipulation and deceit, there is no love. Just looking for the way out.