The River of No Return

Charlene was anxious. She was a Pisces. Pisces were supposed to love water, but even taking a shower was a struggle for her. She would go for a few too many days until she had to admit to herself that she was beyond the point of needing to be refreshed. Even then it was a long, drawn-out conversation with herself.

‘I’ll take a shower today then I will clean the bathroom while I am at it’ she would say to herself on the first day she should shower. ‘If I shower today then I can tie my hair up and it will have the perfect curls for the party on Sunday’. Reasoning with herself sometimes worked. ‘The party is tomorrow I will shower tomorrow after I make the veggie platter, I can just braid my hair that will be fine’. On and on the reasoning would go until sometimes a week or more would pass and she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer.

This fear of water extended to swimming, oceans, lakes and especially rivers. Fast moving water was especially frightening and the thought of river rafting paralyzed her to tears, so when her neighbor asked her to join a women’s rafting trip her initial reaction was ‘yeah right, no effing way.’ But Charlene had missed out on so many things because of the fears that controlled her life. She wanted to do more, connect more, and so somehow (after getting some encouragement from her boyfriend) she decided to say yes.

She had many months to get over herself and get comfortable with the trip. The thought of it was excruciating and tears welled up in her eyes whenever she thought of it. The trip was fully supported so all she had to do was show up with her dry bag, get in the boat and ride along. It couldn’t be that hard. She would at the very least know her neighbor, so she had one foot in where the social situation was concerned. The river they would be going down was smoother than other rivers, the main Salmon was a lot less treacherous than the Middle Fork after all.

Charlene thought about returning to therapy to work through her fear. She thought about canceling right up until the time they said it was non-refundable. But she wanted to do this on her own terms. She wanted to get over her fear of getting wet.

All she could do is stew about the horror of riding in a shallow boat, down a deep waterway of menacing fish monsters and savage currents that only existed to forcefully expel its riders forcing them to be bashed upon jagged rocks while they floated out to sea, exhausted, bruised and half dead. More than likely with broken limbs and excruciating pain no less. She wasn’t afraid of death, or at least she didn’t think she was. She was afraid of pain, afraid of suffering, death seemed a welcome comfort to the idea of the agony of distress that was surely going to ruin the trip for herself and everyone else.

June finally came along. She packed up her items and joined her neighbor Kim for the long car ride to the put in. Charlene had been stewing about it for six months and her anxiety was at an all-time high when they left. She didn't want to talk but luckily for her Kim just talked at her the whole long trip north so she didn't really need to say anything. She kept telling herself ‘I will get through this, don’t talk a lot, just listen to what the other people are saying. Just smile your way through it, just get it over with and when you come out on the other end you will have overcome your fear of water.’

The first day on the trip Charlene was mostly very quiet. She just repeated the safety information in her head over and over again; if you fall in make sure you are feet first down the river. Feet first down the river, feet first and face up down the river. Like a mantra, she held on as tight as possible to the side of the raft. She listened intently on what the lead oarswoman said avoiding looking at anything or anyone else. When it seemed like no one was paying attention (or if the rapids were rough enough to splash her face with water) she allowed herself to shed a few tears, but most of the time she held them at bay by digging her fingernails into the palm of her free hand.

The first night she turned in early and in her tent, all alone, she allowed herself to cry. She let the tears flow silently down her cheeks and she listened while the others sat outside telling stories of their day, comparing notes about the waves, or how excited it was in the rapids. She tried to think of what she if she was part of this conversation but no words came to mind, only the paralyzing image of being lost in the wilderness with a broken leg and no one looking for her.

On the second day Charlene felt more comfortable in the raft and she started to enjoy the quiet calm of the wild with the soft sounds of the water splashing against the rubber sides of the boat. She watched for osprey, belted kingfishers, and bald eagles. She looked high up the canyon walls at the multicolored bedrock and down deep in the river looking for fish. She said hello to a river otter on the far shore that popped its head up for a split second, wishing it would come closer.

That evening at the camp she stayed up with the group. Someone passed a water bottle full of tequila around and she took a swig whenever it was her turn. She told the others about seeing the otter and they were impressed. She told them that she loved seeing so many birds and that she was glad the river was calmer that day.

“Not me, I love the rapids, class 4 or better” One of the ladies exclaimed aggressively. Charlene felt that she was being judged for not being a fierce enough woman. She kept her mouth shut for the rest of the evening quietly leaving long before the rest of the group retired to their beds. Charlene wanted to belong but she found these women frightening. They were all seasoned river rafters; they all had done this trip with each other year after year and they knew each other. Charlene didn’t know how to compete with the group dynamic. She didn’t understand how to wiggle her way in between the other ladies so she could stand next to them and be one of them. She fell asleep with tears on her pillow.

A noise in the very early morning woke her up, just the snapping of a twig, somehow seeming like the crackling of lighting. Charlene couldn’t tell if it was in her dream or outside of her tent. She listened some more and heard nothing. She needed to pee so she stuck her head out looking around carefully for several minutes as her eyes adjusted to the pale light of early dawn. At the edge of the water was a deer and a fawn and on a rock at the end of the small beach was a bluebird. Charlene watched as the bird sat preening its feathers, looking around, and then preening some more. She held her bladder as she watched the deer drink from the pristine waters of the river, not wanting to disturb them. The sun rose a little more and the deer wandered off into the woods.Charlene got up and used the river to relieve herself, it was cold and the water woke her up making everything seem more vibrant and energetic, It was the first time she had intentionally stood in the river. No one else was awake so she decided to set up a camp chair and watch the sunrise.Within a few moments another camper came out and set up a chair next to her, they watched in silence as the water flowed by. The rocks went from grey to tan to brown and the sky went from pale blue to bright blue.

“How are you enjoying the trip?” the gal next to her asked, her name had escaped Charlene.

“This is my first time, honestly I have been terrified the whole way. I have a very intense fear of water, but I wanted to overcome it, so I forced myself to come.” Charlene was glad to have a little bit of undivided attention, she could handle that, one on one wasn’t so bad.

One of the trip leaders came out from her tent and started setting up for breakfast.

“I am Leslie, I don’t think we were actually introduced. This is my third year on this trip. I am just here to get away from my family for a few days. Don’t get me wrong, I love and adore them but sometimes you have to recharge, ya know?”

“Charlene” she nodded “Yes I totally get it. I spent most of the last nineteen years just focused on my daughter. Now that she is out of the house it’s hard to remember how to do anything else.” Charlene felt grateful for this moment.

“Hey girls, how’s it hanging this morning? I definitely had a few too many shots last night, I am going to jump in the river. Might want to move back so you don’t get splashed.” The same gal from the campfire last night. Too aggressive, too in your face/look at me for Charlene. She jumped in dramatically and indeed splashed a bit of water on Leslie and Charlene.

“I think this is Patience’ last year, she is one of those gals with an ironic name!” Leslie looked at Charlene as if to say, ‘I get it’.

“Oh I was under the impression that you were all friends from home.” Charlene’s words came out abruptly but now they were out there and there wasn’t much she could do about it.

“Naw, just this trip, we all keep singing up, but most of us only know each other here. I live in Arizona, Samantha with the super curly hair, lives in Seattle and you know Kim from your area. I think Melia and Sonja came together and they live in Boise if I am not mistaken. I have a hard time remembering. Patience is interesting, she's a lot of fun but I think she’s getting bored with this easy-going trip. She likes it rough and tumble, I don't think she likes to admit that shes the same age as we are. Her dad was a rodeo cowboy and her mom a rancher so she’s used to a different life than the rest of us. I heard her saying she was signing up next year for the Middle fork trip, which is co-ed. Lot’s more rapids and drama, I did that one the first time I came up here. She can have it. I love this trip, just us ladies chilling and getting away for a few days. No agendas nothing to prove.”

Charlene felt relieved, she realized her pre-conceived notions about all these women were holding her back from getting to know them. She assumed they were all in some sort of click since school or work friends. She thought they were all like Patience, rough and adventurous and not people she belonged hanging out with. Leslie wasn’t that way at all. Kim was fun to be around whenever they hung out, which wasn’t very often, why had she not asked Kim to hang out more?

Charlene realized she was the one that was judging these women. She realized that it was her fault that she wasn’t bonding with them; that she wasn’t even trying to.

That day on the river she listened to the conversations of the other ladies and chimed in when appropriate. They all witnessed a bear at their next campsite and decided to float a little further on to the next one.

“Wow did you see how massive that bear was? That is the largest black bear I have ever seen.” Melia was so enthusiastic and lively it was infectious.

“Oh totally, did you notice? It looked like it was almost waiving us on, like, keep on moving ladies. This is my campsite.” Charlene felt like part of the conversation. She was thrilled to be talking to all of these ladies.

On the final day they only had to drift through one easy rapid. Charlene even let out a “woo, hoo” as they bounced across it.

Since they had passed up the campsite with the bear they finished early on that day. Charlene was a little sad it was over. No one fell out of their boats, no one was injured or lost, and no one was attacked by a wild animal. Just a lovely trip with some lovely and interesting women and Charlene was happy she had herself to go.