She's Just Waiting

Walking down the concrete path, I could feel the evening sun shine as brightly as ever. The array of colors has started to appear over the horizon, making the lake to my left look like something out of a painting. The crickets chirping slowly call the night closer. As the temperature ever so slightly fell, I took some bird seed out of my sweatshirt pocket. I would do this so frequently to the point where the birds are waiting at the spot I sit and feed them. But on that day, someone else was sitting with them. A girl, just staring up at the orange and yellow gradient in the sky. Her long brown hair was messy, strands of it sticking out in multiple places. The black beanie on her head made it difficult for me to see her eyes, but her smile spoke for the rest of her face. I walked closer to her, causing the birds to scatter away for a moment. She noticed, but didn’t bother to look. I swallowed hard and sat down on the bench, not wanting to disappoint my bird friends. I unzipped the ziploc bag and took a handful of seeds. Then, I carefully threw it across the ground, making sure to spread it out. The birds hopped forward and went right to eating. A smile formed across my face. I couldn’t help but admire how silly they looked hopping around and pecking at the floor.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?”

The sudden words that her graceful voice spoke caught my attention. I looked over to her, getting a better sight of her face. Her face was pale, but said that she was about my age. She was still looking to the sky, with what were tired yet calm eyes. Her eyes said that she was about to fall asleep, but the rest of her was wide awake.

“The sky…it’s pretty, right?” She said, taking her eyes off the sky and slowly turning her head towards me.

I realized that I was staring at her like a complete fool. My cheeks lit up with a light shade of red, luckily having the cold breeze as an excuse.

“Yeah, the sunset always looks like something from another world,” I said, turning my attention to the warm sky.

“Another world…I’ve never heard that interpretation before. I like it.”

A bit of silence, then I spoke.

“What’s your name?”

“I’m Claire, how about you?”

“I’m Bennett.”

“Well, nice to meet you Bennett.”

Silence fell over us again, just for a moment. I took this chance to take more seeds and throw it to the birds again. This time, I noticed her eyes follow my movements. From taking it out of the bag, to throwing it to the birds.

A question crossed my mind, “Are you waiting for someone?”

She was silent for a moment and stared into my eyes. I stared back at her, feeling a small sense of sadness coming from her.

“You could put it that way…”

Another question crossed my mind, but this time I wasn’t sure if I should ask it.

Looking back at the sky, she said with a smile, “You want to know what’s wrong, don’t you?”

“How did you know?”

“Just a guess.”

“Well…You do seem a bit sick…Are you sure you should be out in the cold like this?”

She looked away from the sky and to the lake, her eyes becoming glossy.

“I…I don’t think it would change much…”

Confused, I kept silent, but curiosity got the better of me.

“What do you mean?”

“I would rather not treat this like a therapy session.” She joked, but the tears forming in her eyes said that she wanted someone to confide in.

“I don’t mind. You seem like you need someone to talk to.”

“I guess you’re right…I haven’t been able to talk about how I truly feel. I’ve been acting strong for those around me. If I showed that I was scared, it would just devastate them.”

“Well, what’s bothering you?”

“Well…you see…I’m…” Her voice cracked as she tried to speak while holding back a wave of tears.

“I’m sick. And I don’t have much time left.”

I was silent once again. Words completely left my mind. I didn’t know what to say.

“...How much time do you have?”

The question seemed to have broken the barrier she put up, and tears started to flow from her eyes.

“The doctors said I had about six months left, maybe less. They said that 5 months, 3 weeks, and 2 days ago.”

“...That exact?”

“I’ve been keeping track of the days.”

The only stupid question that I could think of was, “Are you scared?”

“...Very,” She spoke lightly, her head now looking down at the birds and her hair covering her face.

“I had many dreams as a child. I don’t want to die yet,” She said, her voice cracking and releasing sobs as her body quivered.

I couldn’t help but let my own tears form, seeing this girl with what should be her whole life ahead of her, instead having death looming over her. The only thing I could think of doing was pulling her into a hug.

“I…can’t say I know how you feel. I honestly have no idea what to say. I’m sorry.”

For a moment, her sobs came to a halt. Then she wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly. Tighter than anyone ever has. Her cries were heartbreaking. She couldn’t speak, only sob into my chest. The wall that hid her feelings behind broke easily, like she built it with sand and pebbles. I felt tears and snot leak through my sweatshirt, but I didn’t mind. I just kept her in my embrace till her cries quieted down.

“Any day now,” She said, pulling away from me. “Any day now…and it will be over. All I can do now is wait. Just…wait until that day I don’t wake up.”

That remark made my chest hurt with a pain I couldn’t describe. I thought of how I come here every afternoon. How I come here alone to feed the birds in the sunset.

“Well, how about I wait with you?”

She looked at me with puffy red eyes, unable to answer that question.

“Every afternoon at this time I come here. Meet me here every day at this time. I know all you can do is wait, but you shouldn’t have to wait alone.”

Her glossy eyes widened, lit up by the setting sun. Her face was red, but I couldn’t tell if it was from crying or if she was blushing. Her pained expression slowly turned hopeful as a smile formed across her face.

“Thank you…I would like that…”

As the other side of the sky grew darker, we both parted ways, promising to meet tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and so on. As the days went on, I got the pleasure of knowing her interests, and she got to know mine. I learned that we were supposed to be going to the same school, that we both loved animals, that she loved the idea of different universes. My heart skipped a beat every time I learned something new. The only thing that could break our conversations was her sudden raspy coughing fits into a new different colored cloth every day. She tried to hide the cloth as she took it away from her mouth, but the bright red stains were too noticeable. I didn’t make any remarks about it, just rubbed her back as she coughed and continued our conversation. As our connection grew stronger, her condition grew noticeably worse. The circles under her eyes became darker, her voice became quieter and raspier, her walking speed slowed down, causing her to arrive late, and her movements became fragile and slow.

This is what my routine always was, until the day she didn’t come. When the sky was almost taken by darkness and stars, even the birds had flown away. But still, I waited with the birds, listening for her slow footsteps while glancing around every few seconds. This painful wait next to an empty spot on the bench became my new routine.

One afternoon, the gradient of yellow, orange, and now purple shined down on a small note left on the bench. There were dark wet spots on the paper, as if someone was crying while writing it. The note was written in neat cursive, different from the handwriting she had.

Bennett…

I’m sure you were aware of Claire’s illness. And I’m sure you figured out that she had a time limit. She adored you. Always talking about you when she came home, even when her voice hurt. I could never stop her from climbing out of bed to see you, even though she was very sick. I hope you take comfort in knowing that you made her final weeks the happiest time in her life.

Claire’s Mother, Maria

I didn’t even bother to stop my tears. That word, “was,” was the most devastating thing I had ever heard. But, despite the crushing feeling in my chest, I felt a glimmer of happiness. Yes… I do take comfort in knowing that I made her happy. And I hope she feels comfort when I come to the bench and sit flowers in her seat. I hope she takes comfort in me still being there, despite her no longer being able to join me. I hope she takes comfort in the fact that I am still there for her, even if she is gone. I hope her spirit takes comfort with me, as I wait exactly like she did, for the sun to set and rise, for the seasons to pass, and for a beautiful future.