Petels in the wind

The shining rays of the sun brought a warmth to my saddened heart. Its essence was like food for my soul, providing what was right for me as I stood before its path in the greenery. I stood as the light provided all the sustenance that all life on earth needed for survival.

However, my plight was not one that the sun's light could heal. The light that I required was not of our physical world, it went beyond, to a world I could not access. I wasn’t even sure if such a world even existed, but still I stood forward, staring out into the horizon, thinking of things I knew were impossible and yet I still thought them like a fool.

“Do you remember?” The voice of my brother was unmistakable. My sea of contemplation came crashing down as his words brought forth a tsunami of memories and emotions, events of which were hard to forget.

“Yeah…I remember.” My hesitation was easy, but letting out the words was much harder.

“I remember that she loved nature.” I tried to smile at the memory of all the times she brought me to admire the beauty of nature, but I couldn’t even manage to lift a smirk.

The sound of footsteps in the grass walked toward me as I looked out. My brother stood beside me, it was comforting to know his love was boundless, knowing I was not alone in my grief.

However, even with my understanding of his acceptance, there were still boundaries that I could not cross, not because it was wrong, but more so that I couldn’t let myself become so vulnerable, especially in the presence of someone I respected so dearly.

“Look at me,” his demand was powerfully compelling, but still I remained steadfast in my conviction. Perhaps it was wrong for me not to, or maybe it was right for me. In either scenario, my own ego and selfishness ruled over my actions.

“If you can’t look at me, then just listen…Mother, she wouldn't want you sulking over her.” My brother placed his hand on my shoulder, but my body gave no reaction, there was no validation that his words were reaching me, “You can’t bring back the dead. The best thing you can do is move on and keep her memory alive as best you can”

“It’s starting to rain.” I felt the movement of my brother's hand as he looked up into the sky. The sky was clear and bright blue, with very few clouds in sight. But I know my brother understood what meant as I heard his steps fade into the background.

“Fuck…”

Fuck was all I could say for myself. An absurd and meaningless expletive, it was one word that encompassed the important steps to grieving the loss of someone who I cared deeply about.

“Lord, please, I need her more than any person in the world, even more than myself.” Tears began welling up in my eyes as I fell to the ground. My face planted into the grass as I begged, “I’ll give you anything you want! Just bring her back to me and my brother.”

My cries felt largely unanswered. The feeling was like a man desperately clinging onto a hope of the impossible. I was a rational man, who looked at the world logically and there I was begging to a God I didn’t even believe in.

The lord that people pray and worship had never provided me any sense of reassurance, no false faith to reinforce my delusions of being reunited with those that I loved.

But as the final bit of acceptance started to feel real, there was a glimmer of hope that I was shocked to hear, it provided me an edge to cling onto. The last fragment of hope was that of a voice.

“Is that what you truly desire?” A shiver ran down my spine. I could believe that the impossible was really becoming real. At first I wanted to believe it was a dream and I closed my eyes as I tried to shake myself awake. But the voice repeated the same question.

“Yes…” I struggled to get it out, fearful of what and who I was speaking to, “Can you really bring her back?” A moment passed as I waited for a response from the entity speaking through my mind.

“Anything is possible. But it comes at a cost. Are you prepared to pay?” I thought it over for a moment and came to my decision.

“What is the price?” The voice didn’t answer, “Is it a life for a life?”

“The price is of equal value?” It was a vague response, but I found it to be satisfactory.

“I’m willing to pay the price. I am willing to do whatever it takes to see her smile again.” The voice never responded. Half of me truly believed it was nothing more than a dream. But I knew it wasn’t once I turned around.

“There you are?” I saw my mothers sweet gentle smile. I ran to give my mother the biggest hug I could, “You act like you’ve seen a ghost. It’s just me, son.” Her warm hands were a pleasant welcome as she rubbed my back to comfort me.

I pulled back to look her in the eyes, just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, “I’m so happy to see you and you have no idea.” As my tears ran down my cheek, her fingers wiped them away.

“I’m happy to see you also. I just…” She bit her lip as she looked away, “I just wish he was here to see.” I shook my head, confused at what she was saying.

“Who? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” She looked at me with tears in her eyes, “You don’t have to pretend. I know the loss has affected you just as much as it has me. It’s okay to let it out baby,” As the realization began to set in and knew who she was referring to. I pulled her away and ran to where my mothers grave was supposed to be and I didn’t look back until I verified it for myself.

Every marking on the grave was nearly identical to what her grave said. The only difference was the date of birth and who was buried beneath my feet. I couldn’t believe it, not even when it was what I had wished for.

I covered my mouth, unable to speak. I was completely disgusted with myself and what I had caused to happen.

“Carful what you wish for.” The voice spoke its final words. After that day I never heard from it again. But I was left with a lifetime of regret.