The Irony of Wishing

In a snap, the world flipped from an anxious, chaotic, unrelenting mess to order, calm and peace. The provider of this instant relief was one man; a simple, soft-spoken, introverted, unlucky young adult whose curiosity got the best of him. The result of his OCD not allowing him to let the smudge go involved his inability to be specific. Out of all humanity, he was the angriest, most anxious, depressed and distraught human on the planet. He was the only one left. All of humanity had vanished with a phrase, I wish for world peace.

Before him, a smug, sneering, wicked-looking genie crossed his arms. His lower half comprised a mixture of dust, galactic swirls and glittering gems that were endlessly teased by an invisible breeze. His upper half appeared as an unclothed, impossibly dull, green-skinned muscular man with pointed ears and a devilish smile. The genie chuckled at the poor human as he held an oil lamp in his hands. The laboratory of the museum, once bustling with archeologists who poured over documents, artifacts and crude drawings, was now empty.

The man, John, wept quietly, holding onto the brass lamp, struggling with reality. All of humanity had vanished, he was certain. John knew deep down in his soul that it was his fault. He wondered if he had been more precise. If only he had considered the details and specificity, which he so routinely forgot in his daily life. If only he had resisted his impulse to pick up the lamp and obsessively, compulsively clean the smudge that bothered him.

John thought about the request. He remembered the looks on his colleagues’ faces when the half-naked genie showed up; the horror, the surprise, the wonder that they displayed.

“Greetings, mortal, and may fate be kind to you. I present you with three wishes as a reward, nay a gift from me to you. It is my pleasure to serve you as long as you hold the three wishes I gave upon you within your soul; bound to your heart and your conscience. I will return to my domain after the third wish. May your requests be true, exact and selfless. May your requests find you solace, treasure or peace. I will not influence your decision; I will not interfere with your choices; I will not guide you on your delivery. Your three wishes are yours and yours alone. No one can use your wish but you, and no wish is unattainable except two. One, you cannot wish for my existence to end, which includes the destruction of the object tied to my domain, and two, you cannot wish for more wishes,” the genie declared.

John wished without abandon. He briefly considered the struggles of the world: war, famine, poverty, global warming, inequality, mental duress, wickedness. He quickly, without care, deep thought, consideration or consternation, said, “I wish for world peace.” John was alone in a flash. He forgot his name but not his memories. John forgot his purpose, but not his intentions, and no longer wanted material things or a mate. In an instant, quicker than a blink, he was alone. The world was peaceful for about a minute.

The genie explained, “Ah, such a valiant request, my master. Wishing for a world without trials. A world without humans is at peace. Wise decision, indeed.” The genie smiled a crooked smile, one with a hint of deviousness and wicked joy.

John got himself together. He gripped the lamp tightly, closed his eyes, cursed himself, then the genie and finally the situation. He looked up at the floating monster before him and said, “It’s not fair. I wanted world peace, not for everyone to vanish. That’s not what I meant.”

The genie retorted, “But master, how can world peace exist with humans who cannot get along? Is world peace possible when people are selfish?” The genie caught himself and stopped by saying, “Alas, I can ask no more. I can no longer provide you with a path forward. This is an existence for you and you alone to ponder. You have two wishes to correct your actions.”

The emptiness of the laboratory made John feel depressed. He walked angrily out of the museum and immediately stepped into a post-human world. Driverless cars haphazardly rested on roads and against buildings. The animals were just as confused as John as they wandered hectic-free habitats. He heard thousands of things he could not hear before. He took in a breath of clean, unaltered air, free from fumes, toxins and diseases. The once bustling city was humming with a primal sound that his ears never heard before. It was eerily soothing and refreshing. John stood on the steps of the museum campus and felt external peace. Internally, he was raging.

The genie floated next to John and nodded. He said, “This is possibly my best work.”

John angrily looked at the genie and shouted, “I wanted world peace!”

“And I delivered that.”

“You took everyone from me.”

“You wished for world peace. You didn’t say how you wanted it.”

“I didn’t know I had to.”

“I believe I said, ‘May your requests be true, exact and selfless’. For thousands of years, I have used that phrase. I don’t believe it’s that difficult to comprehend.”

John sat down on the steps and dropped the lamp at his feet. He buried his head in his hands and groaned. He asked, “What am I to do now?”

The genie, still smiling and appreciating his work, answered, “Whatever you wish for, my master.”

“Shut up. Just shut up. Damn you and this stupid fucking lamp!” John, screaming, kicked the lamp down the stairs. It suddenly stopped about two steps down, landing with a thud.

“That’s rude,” the genie remarked, insulted.

John pointed at the genie. “I don’t want this. I need people in my life.” He paused for a moment, remembering, “I don’t really like people.” Then he came to his senses, saying, “But they are necessary. I need them. How will I eat? How will I get what I need?”

“You could,” the genie didn’t want to say but couldn’t contain his excitement, “wish… for it.”

John put his hands on his head. He cursed and pointed, mumbling as he paced.

The genie, relishing in the man’s lament and despair, watched. He suddenly came to his own realization. Should John die before his wishes, there were no more humans he could influence. The genie immediately regretted his decision to remove all humans from the planet.

John screamed again and cursed, which echoed through the empty city buildings. Birds circled around to see the commotion. The genie appeared confused and sad after a few seconds. “What?” the man asked. “What’s wrong with you? You were getting enjoyment out of this.”

“Nothing,” said the genie. “Nothing is wrong.” The genie faked a smile.

John pointed and walked towards the genie. “No, something is wrong.”

“Nothing is wrong. You made a wish, and I granted it.”

“You messed up.”

“I did not!”

John thought for a moment, asking, “What happens after I make my two wishes and there are no more humans?”

The genie’s eyes darted around and he pursed his lips tightly.

John got close, looked at the genie, demanding, “What happens when there are no more humans? Are you stuck here? Do you go back to your domain? What happens?”

“I can only answer that question with a wish.”

“Bullshit.”

“I just made that rule. It’s a new rule. The genie answers no questions without a wish.”

“Bullshit!”

“I can make the rules. I’m the genie.”

John squinted and said, “Fine, I guess you are just going to watch me die and then you won’t be able to torment anyone ever again. Fuck your two wishes. Asshole.” He picked up the lamp.

The genie quickly floated down, catching up with no effort. He crossed his arms and asked, “What do you mean, you will die?”

“Existence without other humans is pointless. I will not spend a wish to ask for everyone back. At the moment, I don't feel like formulating a precise list of requirements. I’m pissed that you found it was necessary to mess with me rather than be a sensible creature and read between the lines.”

The genie considered John’s words but held on to his rules. “I wasn’t trying to mess with you. I was just abiding by my limits.”

“Whatever,” John responded rudely as he kept walking.

“Where are you going?” the genie asked.

John stopped walking and mocked the genie. “I’m sorry, I cannot answer you unless it’s a wish.”

The genie scowled and said, “That’s not funny.”

“Nope, it sure isn’t.”

The genie asked, “Are you going to use your wishes?”

“No. I need to go somewhere.”

“Where are you going?”

John stopped, exhaled, turned to the genie. He pointed to the tallest building in the city and said, “There. I’m going to climb those stairs and jump off.”

The genie stepped in front of the man to stop him. “Why would you do that?”

“Why not? The world is at peace. Humans are gone. If you can’t manipulate anyone anymore, then your purpose is meaningless. Congratulations, job well done.”

The genie panicked as John stepped around him. The genie, concerned, said, “That's fifty stories.”

“Yup,” John said, quickening his pace. He grunted again as he walked past a bakery. “That place had the best donuts ever.” He threw his hands up. “Can’t get them ever again! World peace indeed.” John screamed again. “Happiness is gone. Why am I still here? The world is not at peace, so you failed to fulfill your wish.”

John’s words made the genie stop in his tracks. His bindings to the lamp halted John, as the limits of the invisible thread met their limit. The man fought with the lamp, trying to get it to move.

John demanded, “Move. Let’s go. I’m commanding you.”

“This is stupid,” the genie said. “Why did I do this? I’m supposed to expose the greedy nature of humanity. I’m supposed to punish those who want power and lust. Here I am stuck with a selfless, suicidal, informed creature who seeks my failure.”

John watched the genie reflect on his purpose as he attempted to get the lamp to budge. Finally, John let go, walking without the genie. After a few feet, he pulled along the genie, tethered by an invisible binding. As the angry human tugged the genie, the genie pulled the lamp. It scraped and banged along the sidewalk as the two continued.

“I can’t believe it.” The genie mumbled, “Thousands of years. Years of granting beauty at the cost of love. Years of granting love at the cost of sanity. Years of granting wealth at the cost of health. Finally, you find the crack. I expected you to wish for immortality so I could watch you continue to age into a frail, undying decay. I expected you to wish for love only for your lust to suffocate you. I expected you to wish for an endless supply of food so you could fatten yourself to death. I expected at least a wish for happiness.”

John paused, believing the genie would ruin world happiness. “Right, you would probably make everyone dumb.”

The genie shook his head and replied, “No, I wouldn’t have made anyone stupid. Happiness is subjective, of course. It could have created some interesting situations for sure.” The genie laughed. “This one guy… whew, he wished for a bigger penis.”

John looked at the genie. “I don’t want to know. I don’t care.”

The genie laughed a big laugh and said, “I made a whale penis show up before him. It was massive. He was on a boat when he asked. It filled the entire boat. Small rowboat, large man, blue whale penis. It was funny.”

John wasn’t laughing and continued walking.

“See, that’s the problem with you humans. You lack a good sense of humor. You are so specific about your needs that it sucks the joy out of your lives. ‘I want bigger tits,’ and suddenly two giant birds show up and no one cracks a smile. What’s wrong with you humans?”

John quickened his pace.

“Seriously, though. You’re going to end your life rather than wish for a better one?”

John stopped yet again. His shoulders sunk and he huffed. He slowly turned, looking at the ground. He held his hands out and tried to speak, but nothing came out. Eventually, he pointed at a building. “You see that place? That restaurant there?”

The genie looked and nodded.

“That’s where I met my ex-girlfriend, Sonya. We worked there before I landed my job at the museum. She was really attractive, nice, and she understood me. I was really into her. I loved her. She dealt with all my mental issues and never once considered leaving me. We had a great relationship.”

John stopped and swallowed hard. “Until her little brother died in a school shooting. Sonya completely checked out after that. She was emotionally unavailable, physically sick all the time, and never talked to me. I tried, I really tried to help her and understand. She left quickly, without a word to me. She went back home to take care of her parents.” The man cried, “Funny thing is, I’m not mad at her. My heart aches for her and her parents.”

John points to another building. “That place there, my co-worker, Sam, lived there. His father died in Ukraine during the invasion. The poor guy was drinking coffee when some random soldier opened fire for the hell of it.”

John points to another building. “That one, Tess, lived there. She suffers from severe depression because of finances, and she can’t afford her diabetes medication because pharmaceutical companies are greedy as hell. She pays thousands of dollars a month and barely affords to eat. What kind of sick irony is that? Pay for the ability to live but can’t afford to sustain life.”

John’s voice cracked, and he stared up at the sky. Fighting more tears, he said, “And there’s me. I have OCD and anxiety, and I have no patience for stupid people, people who cannot use common fucking sense. But, you know what? I don’t want to know a world without them.”

“Sonya,” John sniffles and wipes a tear from his eye, “I remember how much I loved her and wanted her to be happy, even if I wasn’t in the picture. I figured world peace might help achieve that happiness. Maybe it would stop the senseless killing and suffering.”

“I figured if I wished for world peace, it would solve a lot of the problems we faced together. Maybe you would fix the problems we have as a society, making life better. Maybe you would hear the word peace and understand the underlying meaning. Instead, you wiped the earth of humanity - except me. I thought for a moment it had given me an opportunity to grant everyone a well-deserved breath or the ability to restart, but I was wrong because you only care for philosophical chaos and literalism.”

The genie frowned, speechless.

John continued, saying, “My personal need for order and cleanliness caused all humanity, all the people I loved and respected and even those who annoyed the hell out of me, to disappear. I didn’t want that. I just wanted peace. I just wanted to stop suffering. I wanted others to stop struggling because of greed, envy, and pride. There are wicked humans on this planet, and I figured asking for world peace would make them nice. Turns out ‘I wish for world peace’ is also corrupt and wicked. This is all my fault. I wish I had never touched this damn lamp.”

Instantly, he was back in the museum. John’s peers watched him inspect a strange lamp with a blemish on it. He briefly fought an urge to wipe the smudge off the lamp, only to feel strongly compelled by some unseen force to set it down.

“What is that?” a colleague asked.

“Looks like an oil lamp, Persian origin,” John said.

“What’s that smudge? Oil?” the colleague asked.

“I don’t know. I wish it would go away, so I didn’t feel like I needed to clean it.”

At that moment, the lamp vanished from their sight. They shrugged, carrying on as if nothing had ever happened.