Stillness

Winter is to the year like rain is to spring. It’s dark and gloomy and quiet but also peaceful in a way. The trees take a well deserved rest and the squirrels spend more time in their nests and only the bright crimson cardinal is out to sing his song. And there is something to be said about the life and rebirth that comes after winter with the rains of spring, but there's a sinister story of decay that comes first. The gardens full of vibrant annuals wither and waste away, and those who haven’t fattened themselves up enough won’t make it through the cold. And with the cold, comes the stillness.

Stillness like the water in an abandoned bucket, forgotten in the backyard for two months in the dead of summer. A stillness that festers and turns to rot if not properly tended to. A stillness that creeps in while you are not paying attention, when you are caught up in the early winter festivities. A stillness that lingers before you have a say in the matter, and keeps you company once the holiday lights turn off. What’s that acronym? SAD, it seems a little too on the nose doesn’t it.

I can’t say that I hate winter, honestly I think she is quite beautiful. With her snow covered trees that glisten golden in the morning light with a backdrop of periwinkle sky. Or the gentle animal tracks along freshly fallen, undisturbed snow where you can sit there and imagine the journey that small critter took. Or even the hush of the wind on crisp nights where the noise of the world is dampened by the sound proofed white blanket. She really is quite beautiful, and I can’t say that I hate her, rather I think maybe she hates me. Every year when the sun spends less time with us and the air starts to bite, she brings the melancholy with her again. I start to miss those vibrant colored annual gardens, even with the golds and blues, winter becomes quite monochrome. And it hasn’t even snowed yet this winter so I can’t enjoy those tiny little bird tracks or the glittering branches.

But this year I’m trying to beat the still melancholy that comes with the lack of vibrancy and the perpetual indoors. This year I started running. They say you get a natural high from it, I figured why not give it a try, it seems to be the cure for some other people. Plus I need to avoid that crippling stillness, running seemed like the obvious choice. But so far all I seem to get is a chill to my bones and red cheeks. Though I will say, it does make me look forward to holding a warm mug full of coffee in the morning with my half frozen fingers. Today though, I’m finding it difficult to convince myself to suit up for that jog. Today I want to be more like those squirrels who spend their winters in their nest. I guess most days I find it difficult, but I always seem to forget. I wonder if those squirrels get seasonal affective disorder as well or if that is just reserved for humans.

I woke up about an hour ago but I’m still stuck in these sheets just bed rotting, staring at my phone, scrolling through meaningless videos searching for that quick fix of dopamine. It’s quite easy to succumb to this stillness, sometimes it can have a false sense of comfort and warmth. I know it’s inevitably only making me feel worse but this warm bed is much more inviting than the twenty degree day outside. Just another 10 minutes, I’ll get up at 10:15, I have to at least see the end of this ten part reel series. I’m a sucker for these, I know that they are deceptively designed to get more views but they have a way of drawing you in. I’ve gotten all the way to part nine when I’m interrupted by my fifth alarm. The last one set to remind me to get up, if I skip this one that's it, I'm on my own to convince myself to move. “Ugh fine, I’ll get up.” Part ten hasn’t been uploaded yet anyways.

The wood floors next to my bed are just as cold as they were yesterday morning and the morning before that. I really need to get a rug for this room. Socks are always the first article of clothing I pick out in the morning. Today I choose a pair with bright pink and orange stripes, maybe if my feet are vibrant it will travel up through the rest of me. I slip those on and start rummaging around my drawers for my running clothes. When I decided to become a runner, I went all out and bought clothes specifically for running so that I would feel more official about it. It was an attempt to keep myself accountable, you know, if I don’t go running then these clothes are wasted, that sort of thing. It seems so silly now to think that you need separate clothes for each of your activities but I guess my logic at the time was correct because the guilt of wasting these clothes is the only thing keeping me out of the grips of that engrossing stillness that lies waiting for me under that warm comforter. I eventually find the pair of thick leggings that I was looking for and waffle for a moment on which undershirt I want. I go with my orange one, to match the socks, I’m really banking on these colors to give me some life. A sweatshirt goes on next and then a beanie.

Usually in the spring and summer I’m really good about making my bed but this time of year it seems like there's no point, I mean there is a 50/50 shot that I end up right back in that bed in less than an hour so why bother. I leave the blinds drawn and grab my water bottle to fill it up and then I find myself at the shoe rack by the front door. This is the part where I really have to commit. Until the shoes go on I’m just pretending to get ready, but once those shoes are on I actually have to go on the run. Maybe just a few more minutes on my phone, maybe now that part ten has been posted. I’ll at least pick my shoes out of the rack and leave them on the floor, I swear I’ll come back to them. By the time I reach my kitchen table I’ve already found the same account with the reel series but still no part ten. I hate how they make you wait. I guess if I’m going to run I should check the weather, I didn't even think to when I got up. I just figured it was another cold, relatively grey day with a brief moment with the sun.

One hundred percent chance of snow all day into the night and potentially into tomorrow morning, with a total estimated accumulation of 16 or so inches. Oh, well, I guess I wasn’t expecting that, at least it will finally look like winter. How I missed the news of a snow storm when I spend most of my hours looking at this screen is beyond me. Maybe my running shoes will have to live on the floor today.

I didn’t open my blinds before because I didn’t want to let the winter into my room. Sometimes having that constant reminder of the cold looking back at me through the windows makes it feel even more drab in here. But I get up now to open them, I’m mildly excited to see how much snow has accumulated already. I’d say there's about 4 inches of snow already out there, my shoes are definitely staying on the floor today. Maybe I’ll just stay in and watch the snow from my window, that’ll still be a break from my phone screen right. I can almost hear the whispers of that stillness calling me back to my bed. I pull the beanie off of my head and toss it on the ground of my bedroom. I'll find it tomorrow during my “pretend to get ready to go on a run” ritual. I slink back under my comforter and pull it around my head so that I can still see the window but my body is fully consumed.

Maybe running wasn’t such a great habit to pick up during the winter time. I mean you can’t really go running when there's snow outside. Maybe I'll convince myself to try again after it melts. But for now I think I’ll sit and watch as the snow slowly and quietly envelops the city.