Vanitas

“Darkness I am”

Those were my first thoughts and they were not entirely my thoughts, and they were untrue. I was not darkness but surrounded by it.

I knew nothing of my existence but I understood that perfectly. And soon I became aware that the darkness was aware I was peered at by that darkness, I felt it reach out and grab me, pull me. the nothing around me rippled and parted whilst I moved through it. Water… That’s what this nothing was.

I learned this as my shape moved through it. And soon something new, I could feel myself expelled from this water and I met… cold… yes cold and there was still darkness. I could feel its hold its stare.

“Are you alright”

A voice?… No it’s voice, the Darkness.

“Yes”

I could see its shape now. It was a part of and also separate

from the darkness that surrounded us.

I could feel it knew the truth of my existence

“Who are you darkness?”

My Question rang dry for a time

“You will know, but for now and forever and for only a time I am father."

When the darkness spoke its existence it took only a moment before I understood its meaning.

The darkness was my father, my creator. And soon a new thought came

“ Who am I, father…”

“You are… a life”

“What is a life?”

I did not speak this last Question aloud but father responded as if I did.

“That is that question isn’t it, go on and find out for yourself.”

He pointed into the darkness and light appeared small and far. But I felt its call and so I stood understanding the function of my shape as I did so. And I walked, I walked for a long time and for no time at all.

Soon I encountered a staircase that spiraled down through the light. Even step down I created new thoughts, new lessons , more learning. And when I reached the light at the end.

I understood so much and created so much. Now my shape was visible I was raped In white cloths tiny stars embroidered in its fabric. My hair was the same and my eyes shone every color, iridescent In motion and white at rest.

I stepped through the light and met warmth for the first time.I heard the air speak and rustle against the green that laid vast before my eyes. Tress, grass plants, I leaned these as I ventured. Soon I learned of insects, cats, bogs, foxes , lions ,lizards , turtles ,fishes, birds.

And soon it became cold like where father was, the green was drowned filling the world with white. And then it was warm again, green sprouting once more.

I sat under a tall tree, its trunk as wide as 3 horses. Animals climbed and flew down to greet me and run along my robes and rest atop my head. I smiled and giggled at all the animals pestering and laughing. Sometimes I could see the golden strings that connected everything to one another

And one in particular was extremely bright today A black squirrel climbed over my shoulder and jumped from my arm landing in a divot filled with nuts. He was excited today he'd found so many. I smiled brightly watching the scene. Looking up I saw a fox, he was hidden in the darkness of the grass. Was he here to greet me as well? I reached out and he leaped, but not to me…

The squirrel screeched under the sudden weight of the foxes biting into its fur. And just as fast it’s the golden string of light dimmed and snapped. I stood in shock, a heat rising in my chest and cheeks. I swung my hand at the fox and he lifted, hitting a tree, falling limp, and whimpering in pain.

He looked up at me with fear in his eyes and scurried away limping in tandem with his whimpers.

I sunk into myself.

I…I was sad for the squirrel, I was angry at the fox and I was hurt by his whimpers and fear. I didn’t understand this phenomenon, these things did not feel good like all the others. I sat in my confusion and sadness for a long time. Until one day I hear a sound.

It was a wonderful sound and it nipped at my sadness so I flowed it , it grew louder as I came closer. By now I was enamored by it. It was beautiful, soothing… Peaking from behind a tree. I saw its source. It was… something like me.

Their skin was dark brown like the fur of the sables that loved to brush against my legs as I walked. Their hair was the same falling in coils down their back. They didn’t wear a white robe like me, they had on nothing. This made me Question my robes. All these things only drew me closer.

They turned and smiled at the tree I was behind… no they were smiling at me. When I saw their face I understood their existence. she waved for me to closer; I did the sound poured from her voice like a waterfall. I sat next to her looking into her golden eyes as she… sang… yes she was singing that’s what this beautiful sound was a song…

We stared at each other as she sang all the way until nightfall. I felt like the animals that flowed and flew around me during the day. I did not wanna ever leave her side or not listen to her sing. So I didn’t for many days and nights I stayed with her. We ventured and sang and played with the animals and picked the fruits from the trees and learned a great many new things. My heart was always entirely warm, filling and filling overflowing until one day, It erupted within the both of us.

We found ourselves embracing and holding, mixing ourselves together. The song we made together was of an unknown kind; it came from our bodies, our spirits and our voices. We had created something together all this time. It was always there around us even before we met. It was love and love was what I poured from myself into her. I realized that this was life this feeling was the foundation of it all… the source

We laid together resting in each other’s arms. I had answered the Question I was set out on so much time ago.

I was blissful.

And then I heard my existence called from the darkness…

it was father

But I didn’t feel happy at his presence.

I felt dreadful… It was strange and confusing,

Why would I feel dread at father’s return?

“It has a been time… son”

“It has father , I have answered the question you set me out to find”

“I know.”

“Have you come to ask the answer?…”

Before he even spoke his answer I knew it.

“…no”

And my heart began to sink because I knew why he had come.

“I don’t wish to leave father…”

“I know”

There was silence and I turned to look at my love. I brushed her stomach and her face. She was not frightened like I was. She understood something that I did not. I looked at her with a question in my eyes and she smiled and kissed me gifting me her strength.

“I… I am ready… Father.”

My love began to sing

“Close your eyes son”

I obeyed and felt my place in the world change. Everything, moving away. All except the singing of my love.

I opened my eyes and I was falling backwards up into the sky, that beautiful song etched into the air all around me.

“Father, are you there?”

“I am”

“You said that I would know but.. I still don't so I ask again. Who are you father?”

I felt him reach out and brush my mind”

“ I think you know”

I did, and I smiled as I hit the clouds and scattered into the wind.