It's Been a While

What is it?

‘What is it?’ That’s all you’ve got? No, ‘Hey, Chandler! Haven’t seen you in a while. Hope you’re doing well.’

… Hey, Chandler. It’s been a while.

That’s… That’s better. Hey, David. It has been a while.

Just calling to check in?

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See, now you’re stalling. Why are you stalling?

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I knew it! You want something from me! Well, out with it.

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Could you drive Mom to her appointment tomorrow?

Why can’t you take her?

Excuse me, I’m the one who takes her 99.9% of the time. But if you really want to know, though I’m sure you don’t actually care, Trinity decided to go back to school a day early and she asked me to help her. So, I’m going to go do that.

Did you consider that I may have plans?

I did, and I figured you get to do what you want most of the time, so this once won’t hurt you.

I get to do what I want to do most of the time? Do you hear yourself? You’re… You’re just… You’re an ass, you know that?

I’ve been told that before.

No, I mean, why couldn’t you have given me a little forewarning here? I’ve got my own life and I’m not going to rearrange it for you whenever you get inconvenienced.

Oh, wow! What a unique individual you are. The only person with his own life to consider. I somehow keep forgetting that fact, please consider my apology.

Ha ha ha!

What’s so funny?

Don’t make me say it.

I don’t care what you have to say.

But I think you do.

Try me.

I think you’re laying it on pretty thick ever since Olivia left you.

What does that have to do with anything we’ve been discussing since I’ve called?

She left you because you’re an inconsiderate ass who can only think about himself. Now all of a sudden you’re some lone, knight-in-shining-armor who is always sacrificing himself for Mom, or for his daughter he’s only now trying to build a relationship with? You’re D1 at playing victim, Chandler. I suppose you got that from Mom, but still. You want people to feel sorry for you, but I know a PR campaign when I see one. I’m not falling for it.

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Am I wrong?

At least I’m still contributing to her care. You’re not some bastion of virtue yourself, you know. Or do I need to remind you?

Do you really think I owe her? I wish you were here to look me in the eyes and say it. Whatever. What could you possibly say that hasn’t already been said?

You’re jealous of me.

Ha! Jealous of a forty-five year old divorcee living in Mom’s pool-house. Yup, you’ve got me. Very astute, you are.

Don’t play dumb with me, David, you are, and always have been.

You’re not beating the being an ass allegations, Chandler.

You’re upset that Mom took me in when she wouldn’t do the same for you. C’mon, I know you aren’t living that exciting of a life. You can’t always be busy. Admit it, you just refuse to help. You don’t care what state she’s in.

You bastard.

Ah, but I am the one who knows who my father is. Try again.

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You’re really something. You just have to twist the knife, don’t you? The minute you can’t charm someone into doing your bidding you turn into a beast of prey. But don’t you remember? Or are you just laying it thick? She didn’t want me helping with her at all.

You know how she is, she just wanted the attention. Wanted you to fight a little bit. You could have played along. Do you, or do you not care about our mother’s well-being at all?

Of course I care.

Even when you think she’s been unfair to you?

What do you want me to say here? That I want her to suffer a little bit? To feel the same abandonment by me that I’ve felt by her?

Actually, yes.

Fine, then. Sometimes I feel that way. Are you happy?

Why would I feel happy about that, baby brother?

I don’t know, maybe because I can hear your grin through the phone.

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Chandler?

Yes?

Why did Mom love you more than me?

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Wait, are you actually jealous?

Yes, damnit. Who wouldn’t be? But why?

Hmm. Now that is a question we may never get the answer to. There’s probably a lot of factors, wouldn’t you say? Even I won’t pretend she’s a saint.

But why? I never did anything to her.

I don’t know, Dave. Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with you and all with who your father was.

Yeah, maybe so.

Why do you think your Dad stayed with her, even after she had me?

I wish I knew.

Is that why you hate me?

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…

Yes.

Good to know.

Well, listen. Maybe hate is too strong a word. I certainly never liked you. How could I? You were practically a living symbol of the discord between Mom and Dad.

Why did I have to be constantly reminded of that? I had no say in the matter. They’re the ones who decided to keep me. And you? You’re in your mid forties. Why haven’t you seen how ridiculous that is?

No, you’re right. Maybe that was easier for everyone… Hey, do you want to know something?

Yeah, I suppose.

I know Mom was the one who cheated, but I hated Dad more in the aftermath. I mean, how weak was he to stay with her after that? I watched him practically beg her to stay. He was the one who wanted to keep you, really. At least, that’s how I remember it. He wanted to keep you. For some reason, I felt betrayed in that. Right or wrong, I thought maybe they could patch things up if they got rid of you.

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Jesus! How did we get here?

I don’t even know.

Look, I am an ass. Really, I mean it. I’m a mess, and I get why you don’t want to help. We’ve been terrible to you. But…

Would things have been better had your Dad lived?

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Probably, David. I don’t know. You hardly even remember him. He probably would have treated you as his own. But, who can say? Hey, are you crying?

No… I mean, yeah, I’m close to, but I’m not.

Oh, God. How did we get here?

Because it’s been a while.

No kidding.

…

Look, I don’t know what to do, David, honest. Things have been the way they have been for so long that I don’t even know how to apologize. Anything that I think to say or do feels like it’s not enough, probably because I don’t think I deserve it.

You don’t, but keep going.

It’s a whole lot easier to just keep things the way they are, because I do deserve to feel like a piece of shit, and I can at least feel like I’ve earned that. And you’ve clocked me, you always have. This divorce has taken the wind out of my sails, but somehow Penelope is still giving me chances, and I don’t want to lose those. I can’t lose them. I don’t know why I was an ass to you just now, maybe it’s some self-destructive defect I have. It feels normal, you know?

You need help.

I… I know I do. But I’m sorry, David. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I get it. Please stop saying it.

But I am. You don’t owe me anything, but I’m asking you, no, begging you to help me out here. Mom’s so out of it she might not even remember who you are, and it’ll only be for this once. I won’t ask anything of you again.

We both know that isn’t true.

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What do you want me to say? I’m desperate here.

Can I think about it?

Sure, think all you want.

This isn’t a delayed ‘yes’, either, just so you know. I truly don’t know what I’m going to decide.

Noted.

But listen, Chandler. If it’s genuine, and you prove yourself, I may come to accept an apology.

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But if I do decide to help you now, it in no way means that I have already accepted an apology.

I understand.

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Do you think we were destined to be this way? Like, was this was how it was always supposed to happen? I keep trying to go back in my mind and imagine things turning out differently, but I just can’t.

Choices were made.

I don’t feel like I make any choices, David. I feel like I’m just reacting to things, and always have been. What’s wrong with me?

Okay… I’m going to hop off now and think it over.

Yeah… Don’t worry about it. Take your time.

God, but it has been a while hasn’t it?

It has been awhile.

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