Your Lens

“What?! What do you want?”

“You’re in the wrong place, this is a bar.”

Lokuhle should’ve been offended by that and he turned to leave her but something told him right then to swallow his pride and endure the discomfort. This time he wasn’t going to fold. He turned again and found she was looking into the mirror across the bar, pretending to be enjoying herself. He recognized this tactic, so he dragged the stool beside her and launched himself onto it. He noticed her shoulders twitching with fright.

“Tifiso, you shouldn’t be here. I’m not leaving you here.” He turned the stool until his left knee was pointing toward the front legs of her stool.

“Oh, all of a sudden I need you huh? Now I can’t take care of myself. Look, just go back to your friends. I don’t need a babysitter, and if I did it wouldn’t be you. Just leave me alone!”

She turned away from him and swallowed the lump in her throat along with the last of the whiskey in her glass. Lokuhle gained courage again and placed his hand on shoulder.

“Don’t! Did they send you here to prove a point? You didn’t care about me back at home. You let me go and now, in a foreign country, you want to play hero? No. I. Don’t. Need. You”, Tifiso emphasized and immediately felt lightheaded. The whiskey was doing what she wanted it to do. The loud music was now just necessary noise to keep her awake while she sat here, alone with her thoughts. She was getting lost in self-pity when she saw Lokuhle moving again, from the corner of her eye.

“Look, I know you think I’m some spineless guy who can’t make decisions. I know I was selfish. I messed up with us but you know that I haven’t stopped loving you. That part has never been a lie, I love you.” He gathered himself but he knew it was only a matter of time before he fell apart – in a bar; pouring his heart out to the one that got away.

“I wasn’t ready. You changed everything, form how I saw myself to how I saw my life in the future. I thought I had everything I needed, and that I was everything that someone would need”, Lokuhle was crying now and didn’t care that all the people here would notice. Her attention was all he cared about.

Tifiso was staring at her reflection in the mirror and all the noise now sounded muffled, excluding Lokuhle’s voice. She vowed to herself not to look at him and crossed her legs on the stool legs to balance.

“I’m not the same guy you met. And that’s a good thing ‘Fiso. Listen. Look at me. Please.”

Tifiso shook her head and signaled the bartender for another drink.

“I’m not here to babysit you. I’ve been trying to find good time to talk to you…about us.” Lokuhle took a deep breath and encouraged himself to go on.

“You changed everything for me, and it scared me. That’s what happened. I got scared. Here’s this woman who’s living a life that I’ve never imagined and I’m suddenly a villain – the bad influence. It was a tough pill to swallow ‘Fiso, but I needed it and I bless God for allowing me to see you. If I never approached you and we never spoke, maybe I wouldn’t be saying these words to you right now. I wouldn’t be seeing myself as a child of God, living in purity and resisting sin. I didn’t even believe it was killing me slowly until I met you. So, there I was, looking at my life so far and realizing that I wouldn’t be able to live up to the standards you were living by. God is scary like that for someone who’s gotten comfortable in sin. Tifiso, I lied and I knew I had to let you go so I did. It wasn’t because you weren’t worth my fight…I ran because you were absolutely worth it and moe. More than I could give you. I mean, I was sitting in sin and there you were, boasting about Jesus and all He is to you. It was like something hit me and woke me up. I was dead when you came along.”

The ends of his sleeves were both soaked and with mucus and tears but it was warm in the busy bar, even though it was just after midnight.

Tifiso remained silent, toying with her third glass of whiskey. The bartender mentioned the name each time he brought her order but she didn’t care to remember it.

“I’m not making excuses I just want you to know what was really going on,” he spoke desperately.

“And a bar is the best place for you to do that? I mean how many months has it been? And you pick a place you’ve never been, to watch me do something I shouldn’t be doing and play the good guy?”

To someone who was passing by, Tifiso looked like she was talking to herself with an attitude fit for a confrontation with your bully. She refused to make eye contact with him, and the giant beer tap across the bar counter hid his reflection in the mirror so she was comfortable with seeing just his cheek each time she was tempted to look at him.

“I’m not here to judge you, and I don’t care that we’re here. As long as I know you’re okay. There was not going to be a good time or place to see all this…”

He held his tongue from calling her ‘baby’ and flicked the tears off his cheeks. The bartender had caught on the conversation and empathetically slid a glass of water to Lokuhle before walking out through a door that either led to a kitchen or the main road outside.

“I want to be what you need. That’s I want you to know. I understand if that makes you angry or you don’t care to hear it right now. I get it. I hurt you and this is late, but I’m ready now. I couldn’t do it back then but I’m ready now. And, and you don’t have to say anything, today, but I’m not leaving you here alone.”

Tifiso finally turned her stool and nearly fell off it when Lokuhle caught her, just in time. She decided not to acknowledge that with gratitude and stared right into his eyes instead.

“How do you know I’m not with someone? That I’ve not moved on from this. From you.” She fought to maintain a stern face.

“I don’t know. But…” he took her hand and placed it over his chest. He was looking straight into her eyes too now, and their tears wouldn’t stop rolling. They lingered in that moment for about thirty seconds, saying nothing.

“It beats like this when I’m scared, and when I’m with you. Since I met you, I’ve developed an excitement for life and my prospects that wasn’t there before. That alone was enough to tell me you were something special. My heart knew before my head figured it out, and I couldn’t bear the thought of you settling for a version of me that wasn’t prepared for a woman like yourself. Yesterday, I had my first presentation and it went extremely well. Before it started, I said a prayer and then went through our texts to try to stay calm, and you’ve called me Director every chance you’ve gotten since I told you that I want that position at work. Subtle but weighted. That’s your love; it’s bold and gentle; loud and tangible. I feel it without you touching me and hear it even when you haven’t said a word. That’s God in you. And that’s why I’m here, Fi”, he sniffled and nearly blew his nose into his wet sleeve.

Tifiso broke eye contact with him and picked her pockets for a tissue to hand him. she pulled out a wrinkled one that she scanned first before handing over to him. He smiled at her and took the tissue to his nose. The sound of him blowing was inaudible but she watched his eyebrows dance as he frowned and relaxed his face, back and forth.

“It’s late. I want to leave this place now, I’m getting nauseous from the heat.”

She tried to stand but he was on his feet and beside her in less than a second. She let him help her to her feet as she gauged how much damage the whiskey had done.

“Not bad for a first dance with whiskey”, she whispered to herself.

They walked toward the door; Lokuhle walked behind her to make sure she didn’t fall and that no one bothered her. All he wanted to do from here on out was protect and love her as best he could. He’d bother her tomorrow about that. For now, he just wanted to get her safely to her room, head to his own and get some sleep.