CheeseCake

I need a little Cheesecake in my life. I have been thinking about it for longer than I arguably should be thinking about it, but I think I deserve something positive in my life. I think I have been through enough recently. It is not a “oh, here we go again with someone else complaining about their woes in life” type of thing. But rather a sense of acknowledging that something has happened. Something bad. Putting your wife in the ground when neither of us have reached thirty years old can do something to even the strongest people. Burying the only person I ever truly loved has left me empty, hurt, feeling like there is no more meaning. Last month I bid my last farewell after a brutal battle with breast cancer. Now I must move forward. Which is where cheesecake comes into play. There has been enough sorrow, so I am going to use this as a turning point.

Thinking about Cheesecake takes my mind off the rest of the world, especially the pieces of my career that I am trying to glue together and make something prosperous. Work hasn’t really been anything special in my life lately. Show up, talk to patients about their symptoms, give a little guidance on how they could live a little better, and go home. Lather, rinse, repeat for five days. I can only tell someone “If you are lactose intolerant, then diary is probably a bad idea” so many times before it just becomes just another check in the box of my day-to-day. But at least it keeps me occupied during the week.

That is why I think I need Cheesecake going into this weekend. I spend the weekends avoiding people, places, and things that remind me of Vanessa. Which is just about everything since we were married since freshman year in college. Being home is almost scary since she has been gone. Her laughter still echoes through the living room as if she just told another one of her corny dad jokes. The sound of her steps in her favorite high heels on our kitchen floor rings through my head like it was just yesterday when we were going out to paint the town. No matter what I do, I can’t escape her. Not that I want to, but I feel that I have to. I need to be able go one day without wanting to close out the rest of the world and just cry.

Which is why I lean so much into wanting Cheesecake. I am sitting here in my office with nothing really scheduled for the rest of the day. Yes! It is time! I am going to go get that little Cheesecake and there isn’t a damn thing going to stop me! Standing up and moving feels a little less weighted down. As if I have been carrying around chains with every step and making this move towards Cheesecake allows me to leave those chains behind. My hands move with a mind of their own while I close the computer, pointing and clicking all the right things to shut it down. I move almost seamlessly to gather my wallet out of the top drawer of my desk, the keys out of that little dish with “World’s Greatest Doctor” painted on it, and my water bottle from the little cupholder on my chair. I shut the blinds in my office as I notice the greyness of the clouds forming outside. I might get wet, but that will not stand between me and Cheesecake.

Trying to leave the office a little early on a Friday might be easier than I thought. My check in nurses are all gathered around our newest addition to the team, Erin. They are all chatting about their dating life, so I might be able to just give a quick good bye and slip out. As I walk closer, I hear a playful “you heading out of here and starting your weekend?”. Damn, I have been spotted by the charge nurse. I am now on a mission, so I have to be strategic about what I say next. With as much respect as I have for Jackie, I can’t afford to get caught in a conversation that will lead to hearing another long-winded story about her kid’s football team. Nothing against her, but I have somewhere to be. I turn around then turn back to the front desk and say, “Yes ma’am. Going to sneak out of here to get my weekend started. You and everyone else get out of here so we can close shop early… Doctor’s orders”. I thought it was funny, as I often do, but the nurses that all hear it just smiled. Almost as if they are trying to hold back rolling their eyes. I keep walking out the door and notice it’s sprinkling. It is too late to go back in and get my jacket. I’m headed to get my Cheesecake, and it is not that cold.

My car fires up as if it knows I have excitement building, as if it knows I am destined to get my Cheesecake and it is helping me. Pulling into traffic was smooth. It appeared to simply open as if everyone around me know I was on a mission. I can’t recall the last time traffic moved this smoothly, especially with it raining a little bit. Oh well, I will use it to my advantage.

I get across town in record time and pull into a familiar parking spot that I have been in several times in the last few weeks. Slightly regretting not getting that jacket now since the rain is getting worse. But I get my gym bag out of the passenger seat and throw it in the back. I look out to the building and see that “Angela Swanson Animal shelter” sign and my heart starts racing. I have been wanting Cheesecake since the first glance at that beauty. I run up to the door and my eye catches a newly posted piece of paper. It’s their adoption “congrats” poster. I stand there in the rain while my heart shatters once again.

German Shepard – 2 Years old. Name: SARGE. Adopted!

Doberman – 4 years old. Name: Rex. Adopted!

Great Dane – 1 year old. Name: Cheesecake. Adopted!