Memento Mori

It's suffocating.

Like something is tearing my lungs apart and crushing them with bare hands.

I feel like scratching out of my own skin and flesh until only my bones remain. Someone's always there. Watching and laughing and sneering at me. I can see it, always in the corner of my eye, some demonic-shaped thing waiting for me to trip and fall on my face once more. Make a joke out of myself.

Or maybe it'll watch me suffer as I hold in everything I've wanted to spill out. Or maybe it will feast on my remains when I finally break.

But wait—

No. No, there's no demonic entity watching me. This is a church.

A church.

Right.

And "He that endureth to the end shall be saved." In this grand and sacred place, I hold the hands of my soon-to-be wife. Let us rejoice as I seek my salvation.

Then I will tear off the mask I so carefully created. My calm and restful expression, my smiling mouth, my forced tears of happiness.

Bells ring in the distance. I try to keep my focus on the woman before me. Her gentle gaze peeking under the veil. Her soft hands against my sweaty ones, though hers are also trembling, just slightly, as her nerves take over.

And the priest.

"We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."

A suffocating silence. I glance briefly to the side, faced with a seated crowd of people I've seen many times before. My neighbors, aunt, cousins, sister. And...my mother and father. How I'd like to wipe the smiles off their faces. How I'd like to tear apart my own face bearing that same smile.

I'd like to very much let go of her gentle hand and kick over the chairs, the flowers, the tables. Run very far away. Somewhere where this suffocating feeling would vanish.

But I can't. The demonic entity would watch over me again, and I hate being watched.

The whole cathedral seems to close in on me, and I almost can't breathe, but I must steady myself.

I love Laureen. I tell myself that every day, and it's the truth. I would give her anything she needs, anything she wants. I would give her a child, stay by her side every day till death do us part.

But I just...can't marry her.

I can't.

The priest continues. "Today they stand before their family and friends to declare their love, their commitment, and their intention to share their lives together."

The floor below me seems to turn into a field of landmines. It's hard to breathe. Laureen squeezes my hand, and I manage to squeeze back.

Focus.

"Please face one another and repeat after me."

And suddenly my throat turns into a desert.

"I, Evan..."

The priest's voice sounds far away but I still obey.

My voice trembles. "I, Evan..."

"Take you, Laureen..."

"Take you, Laureen..."

My feet feel numb.

"To be my wife."

"To be my..."

A moment of silence.

"Wife."

Lies, lies, lies. All of this is a fucking lie.

The vows go on and on like a monotonous tune on repeat. Every word feels like someone pricking a needle into my body. I wonder if anyone in the crowd can feel what I feel.

Can remember Victor like I do. Or maybe not. Because no one knew Victor like I did.

"To have and to hold,"

The demonic entity keeps watching me, threatening to sharpen its claws and plunge at me if I dare slip up again.

Or maybe it's Victor. Maybe he's watching me marry his sister, out of betrayal, out of agony, and hates me to the point of following me even after death.

"from this day forward,"

What did Victor like eating? Right, we always stopped by the convenience store to get popsicles every summer after school. Cherry for him, grape for me.

Why am I thinking about this now?

"For better or worse,"

Laureen is staring at me with concern now. Her eyes. Those eyes that look just like Victor's when he used to soothe me after a rough day.

Stop it. Stop looking at me like that.

I didn't have a choice, did I? What kind of pathetic best friend marries their dead friend's sister because they couldn't marry him? What kind of coward stands at an altar and pretends?

And now I have to look at Laureen's face every single day. Every fucking day, I'll be looking into the eyes of a dead man.

"For richer or poorer,"

Victor taught me how to swim once. He was always there to catch me when I slipped up. When we went mountain climbing, or when we were running away from ding-dong ditching neighbors.

He was always there for me.

"In sickness and in health,"

But he's not here, is he? And even if I ran away, I'd just end up alone. Like it always was before him.

Maybe Victor is playing a very stupid prank. He'll come back soon. Maybe he'll even show up at those doors right now, grinning that stupid grin, telling me this was all some elaborate joke.

"To love and to cherish,"

But how much longer must I endure to be saved? Why do I keep running into questions that will never be answered?

If only I'd told him he mattered.

If only I hadn't pushed him to talk that night.

If only I hadn't agreed to this wedding.

If only I'd asked him more questions.

If only I hadn't kissed him.

Endure.

But Victor, if I must sin, then I will do it now. Where no one will hear except you and I.

"Until death do us part."

I love you.

"Laureen, do you take Evan to be your lawfully wedded spouse, to love and cherish, in good times and in difficult times, for as long as you both shall live?"

I love you and I should have said it to your face when you were still breathing.

Laureen's voice holds nothing but joy. "I do."

The crowd erupts in soft murmurs of approval. My mother dabs at her eyes.

"And Evan, do you take Laureen to be your lawfully wedded spouse, to love and cherish, in good times and in difficult times, for as long as you both shall live?"

I miss your jokes. I miss the microwaved pizza you would always feed me at your house. I miss playing with Max, with the sprinklers on while you took off your shirt and flung it around like a lasso. I miss the way you'd fall asleep on my shoulder during movies. The way you'd squeeze my hand three times when you were nervous.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

But it's too late now, isn't it?

My voice comes out steady.

"I do."