To Find Limbo

(Sensitive Content: ritualistic death, blood)

The ceremony is about to begin, and I’m not the least bit afraid.

Above me, the full moon provides its ever comforting glow. Don’t worry, I think, we shall pay you back soon enough. She has guided us all this way, after all.

Around me, my friends and family begin to sing a familiar song, and it’s very difficult to not sing along, but I control my tongue so as to not ruin the ceremony. The sweet, haunting melody fills my ears, and from there, peace runs down my throat, lining my lungs, and pools in my stomach.

Getting the attention of Calla is the first step, I recall.

On the high note, the fire beneath me is lit, illuminating the faces encompassing it, and around them, the woods. As my friends and family continue the tune, I start to see pairs of eyeshine among the trees and can’t help but grin. She’s here. I am dying to tell them that they’ve done it, but I know better than to speak, know better than to prompt them to turn away from the fire. We all remember the last one who did. Calla was not happy. The image of the bloodstained snout has been forever ingrained in my mind. A lovely gift, to remain vigil.

The song ends and the air is consumed with silence. Not a single sound besides the low crackling of the fire warming my feet. I take a slow, deep breath and contain my giggles with a grin, feeling the rope under my breast deny any movement I don’t have control over.

Suddenly the fire rises, singing the hairs on my legs and resulting in a collected gasp from my friends and family, followed by tame yet excited nods and murmurs to keep going.

Titis is here. Next, Cicade.

Cicade is the most difficult to please; she is sporadic and wild.

An Elder draws a pure silver blade from the folds in his clothing, the fire gleaming off the metal and giving the dagger to glowing effect. Turning to his neighbor, I cannot see what he is doing, but I know. We must provide blood to prove our investment. Each of my friends and family will donate in my honor. The Elder slowly moves all the way around the circle until everyone has been touched by the silver. Then he raises the center finger on his own left hand to the tip of the blade, pricking it enough to allow the crimson life force to drip from it. Everyone raises their hand to the night sky, then bends down, bringing their hands to the earth, allowing the ruby nectar to seep in.

The wolves in the trees howl. Loud and sudden, their sound fills the air, fills my body, rattling my bones. I know everyone else feels the same.

That step is complete.

The men stay low to the ground, their hands pressed deep into the warm, soft dirt. The women walk back to the transient dwellings where the children sleep. My back is to them, but I can hear their shuffling feet, feel their anxious excitement not wanting to rush and ruin it, but unable to be slow. I’ve been there. And now I get the honor to stand up here, feeling the sweat run down my back, as they return with the herbs. A low chant has already begun from the men as the women light the bundles on fire and swirl them around in the air in sync with one another. They sing their part, however infrequently, and one by one toss their burning herbs into the fire beneath me. Their nostalgic scent covers that of burning hair and liquid iron.

I grin with my teeth now, more excited than ever for what is about to happen.

Do it, I shout in my head to those who can listen, do it!

And with that, the once amber glow that lights the clearing and the faces in it erupts with violet and indigo, then a cool blue, before settling on a vibrant green, and the frogs resume their usual, chirping song.

There was no copper in those herbs.

Nicis is with us! And with her presence here, it’s a given that her brother Sonos’ attention is pulled from the sleeping childrens dreams and to our endeavor. It’s working! Everything is falling exactly into place! Were I not safely secured, I’d be jumping with the excitement I feel, the peace in my stomach igniting to a blaze like the one below me. The faces surrounding the flames express softly what I feel wildly inside. I understand their hesitation. If any of my friends and family act incorrectly in even the smallest way, all of this will be for nothing and the ceremony will be ruined. I silently encourage them to keep their energy contained.

A cloud slowly passes over the moon, leaving us alone with the green light of the fire. Those around me and the creatures in the trees wait with baited breath. The edges of the wooden slat I stand on begin to bring my attention there, but I choose to ignore the pain, knowing it all will be worth it, and I don’t want to miss a thing.

Within the trees, the crickets begin to sing and my heart rate rises, my boiling blood pounding in my ears. I feel it in my eyes and I’m tempted to rub them, but my wrists are bound to my sides.

The roar of the fire, the frogs and the crickets, and the excited and nervous whispers of my people distract me from the discomfort that begins to fill me. I squeeze my eyes tight, only for a moment, my eyelids like the clouds and the fire like the moon.

Then with such suddenness I feel I might fall over, there is a circular wall of fire around me, and it turns bright white, almost blindingly so. When it dies, my sweat is dripping off my heels and into the smouldering logs below, and my friends and family are all seated. Waiting.

Selune is here.

Our goddess guides us, provides for us, loves us. And we love her.

Now I get to meet her.

My mother is the only one to stand, directly in front of me. I can see her tear streaked face in the white glow. I smile at her, and she at me as she raises the bow, notched with a single arrow. I hold my smile for her, showing my teeth and resting my head on the pole I’m bound to.

I hear the arrow loose, and a pain in my chest. She hit the perfect spot. I knew she would. Immediately she cries out as though she has been struck. I want to console her, to tell her it’ll be okay, that I’ll come back for her and the others soon. I want to join her in her cry and release the pain of the world I’m leaving behind, but the heat has drained me and dark spots fill my vision.

Limp, I fall out of the ropes, off the stand, and into the smouldering sticks and kindling and herbs and ash and fire. I feel nothing.

All that fills my ears is my mothers screams.

Looking up, I see everyone has moved away from her, crumpled on the grass, as the cloud makes way for the moonlight once again. The Elders are grabbing the hooks and reaching up towards the post. My people make their way to their dwellings. All ignore my mother.

I stumble through the coals, my limbs heavy and my heart pounding. My fingers feel as though they may burst, and every little blade of grass stings against my blistered feet. There is my mother, crying on the ground. I don’t have the energy to call out.

Running, tripping, then falling to my own knees in front of her, I feel a small pang of resentment that I left this plane without her. Maybe I should have spent more time with her.

No. That’s what this is for. So we can spend eternity together.

Inching toward her, my hand reaches for hers, but then passes right through. Again, I reach for her shoulder, her hair, her cheek, but my hand makes no connections with her. I look down at myself. First, I see the arrow poking out of my chest, between the third and fourth rib, with life’s elixir streaked down my front, a bright and vibrant red. Then I notice my skin; its edges appear glittery, its movements less fluid, less real.

Still on my knees, I turn back to the bonfire and see me, still hung up and limp on the post. My feet have slipped off the plank, but I’m still held up by the ropes, my eyes rolled up towards the sky. The Elders cut the ropes one by one, lowest first, until my body falls into the fire. They step back instinctively as the white heat rises and consumes the flesh, muscle, and bone. When it falls, it returns to the amber shade, signalling the ceremony has been complete.

The wolves howl again before vanishing back into the woods.

My mother has not stopped crying, but there’s nothing I can do. I stand and face the woods in the direction of which the moon is falling. I must follow it until I reach Limbo. There, I will be rewarded for my sacrifice, and I may return to bring my friends and family with me. My body is being shared by Titis and Cicade on the smoking remains of the fire. I hope they enjoy it. Leave no trace of my form. So that when I return for my people, they will know it worked.

And we can all live together, serving our beloved gods.

All of this.

To find Limbo.