stop me if you think you've heard this one before

Peacock and ostrich feathers fall from the sky.

No, no, make it snow from the sky.

Under 32 degrees fahrenheit, water vapor bypasses the liquid phase, and crystalizes over America, just like her citizens, who clump together and…

No, just say it snowed, please.

It snowed.

Now add a character.

What kind?

Well, what do good characters entail?

Depends on what you mean by “good.”

I guess interesting would be a better word.

Something has to happen to them, something bad, and they usually have to want something.

Ok. What about me?

What about you? I don’t even know your name. You’re sitting in a white space, and for some reason, you look like Jiminy Cricket.

Who’s that?

An anmorphic cricket who looks like he cuts meat for a living. First generation.

What’s my desire?

You want an interesting character.

Why?

They make the best stories. You want to be entertained.

Ok, I got it. Change Earth’s gravity.

What’s that going to do?

Loosen it. What do you get?

A bunch of people and things hovering off the ground.

Population control. Fewer people, fewer discoveries. Even the big boys. The new world hasn’t been discovered by white people yet, maybe even the indigenous. Change gravity.

Is that what you want?

My character wants to change gravity.

To what we currently have? That’s really big and far-fetched, and unfortunately, I don’t think your character is the brightest cricket in the new world.

Hmm, I see. So we got to go smaller?

In this scenario, smaller is bigger, my friend.

What’s my name?

Geppetto.

Do I have a last name?

No.

What am I again?

A talking cricket who wears top hats and scarves.

That’s right. Ok. So it’s snowing, and I’m a cricket. What if I just want to be warm?

That’s good. It’ll contrast the ridiculousness of your appearance and being with something simple. A writer fails when it is unbelievable, but the most common mistake is making it too believable. You've got to get so ridiculous that people stop asking questions and start looking for answers, and the easiest way to do that, as a writer, is to always look for the easiest way with detail. That’s why your top hat says Tammany Hall. the reader will swallow the fact your a cricket and get a little dopamine rush, this is what keeps people reading, when they put two and two together. See, you're not a cricket in a top hat anymore. You’re part of a corrupt political machine from the 1800s, and all of that is in the name Tammany Hall.

But I just want to be warm.

That you do, and how would a corrupt insect get warm in 1862?

Going south, cause I’m in New York, right?

That’s where Tammany Hall is, and to go south in 1862, what would the easiest way be?

Join the Union!

No, you're corrupt. You enlist as a very high-ranking official. Something you don’t deserve, and it allows you to spend most of your time in a tent. We just found out where this story is taking place.

Where?

The first few sentences will be in New York, maybe a recollection, you can talk about your love for General George B. McClellan, but most of the story will take place over a game of cards while cannonballs fly through the air outside of Viksburg, Mississippi.

Why can’t I just be a child who is annoyed by the commercialization of Christmas?

Because that’s been done before, and I just read Pinnochio, watched Gangs of New York and Ace Ventura. So shut your mouth, or I’ll turn you into Louis Einhorn.

That movie was transphobic.

I agree, Finkle.

What?

Nothing.

Ok, so I’m warm because I went south. So, I already got what I want. The stories over.

No, it’s just begun, actually. What is the risk of all desire?

I haven’t a clue.

Consequences, especially unintended consequences. See your warm, but guess what? You are very close to the front line of a major battle.

Why didn’t I just go south?

Because you’re a member of Tammany Hall, it’s not their style. You would have either bribed the right people or, because Tammany Hall was full of assholes, you’ve got an ego and a gambling problem. Staying in New York is too dangerous. You have unpaid debts, and the army is a free ride. It costs 300 dollars to get out of the draft, and who has 300 dollars?

The rich!

Now we’re looking at class in America, my little cricket friend. You’re first generation. You work in a deli, and you just want to be warm, but it’s cold in New York in December 1862. Right now, this story might be called Cannon Fodder, and the reason is, fodder sounds like yapping, like a word you would use for talking a lot, and that’s what you do over a game of cards while cannon balls fly through the air. You chit-chat, but Cannon Fodder’s definition is “Soldiers regarded merely as material to be expended in war,” and for the sake of consistency, you're going to be sitting with other anamorphic animals. Mostly pigs, since this seems to be a cautionary tale of sorts.

I don’t know if I like this.

That’s good. That’s conflict. This country is in conflict, which provides two routes. You can either get warm and engage in warfare, or you can be safe and die of hypothermia because you have a gambling problem. Well, addiction. You were born with it; there is nothing you can do. No whys, just what are you going to do?

I’d rather have stayed in New York.

That’s what you’re realizing in the tent, and how can you get back to New York?

The easiest way?

Always.

Run away.

No, too hard. You're a man in uniform of draft age. You’ll get hung for desertion.

So is that the end of the story?

Do you want it to be that?

No.

Neither do I.

So how do I get back?

You don’t. You’re a scumbag. The pig you’re playing with reveals he’s about to be discharged, but what happens?

A cannonball…

Yes, kills him. You assume his identity, and keeping with the absurdity we established, but have plucked from the reader's mind, so we can bring it back at the end. You get caught, not because of the way you look, but your discharge papers say you’re a pig, and the army has a hard time believing that, since you're a talking cricket with an Italian name and a gambling problem.

So how does the story end?

Quite good for you. You are too small to hang or shoot. So they just step on you with a special boot.

Why is it special?

Because you are.

Thanks!

No problem.