Watching Paint Dry

WATCHING PAINT DRY by Jeff Sutton

I look at the wallpaper. I stare at the wallpaper. My eyes burn into the very heart of it: into the structure of it: even down to its atomic level. I picture the gaps between the molecules and wonder how they will look an hour from now. The heavy coat of paint I have applied to the wall will eventually find its way between the molecules of the paper, then settle and dry.

It is hard to think of paper as being “solid”; it’s only a few microns thick. When wallpaper is wet you can very easily poke your finger through it as if it was a cloud of gas. It is equally hard to imagine that the paint will lose its liquidity and also become a solid. The miracle of physics; or would that be chemistry?

I have noticed that some colours of paint change hue as they dry. Some that are dark when first applied slowly become lighter. A few others begin lighter when wet and darken as they dry…I can’t think of an example at the moment, but it will come to me.

I find it strange that water makes a material darker. For example, if you spill some onto a yellow tablecloth the wet area of the cloth will be darker than the dry area. Now, bearing in mind that water is clear, translucent, see-through, why has it altered the colour of the cloth? Do you see what I mean?

I remember that ‘colour’ is experienced by the viewer according to the frequency of reflected vibrations when white light hits a surface. Colour is a specific vibration! I still don’t get it. Ah well, as the saying goes, “Ours is not to reason why-ours is but to do or dye.” Did you notice what I did there? I cleverly exchanged the word “Die” for “Dye”.

The owners of the house have chosen a delightful shade of lilac for their bedroom. This more tasteful than the design of my previous clients who had chosen dark purple and lime green for theirs! They told me over a cup of coffee that they were into ‘S and M’. I said that I didn’t know Marks and Spencer did interior design. They looked at me funny and stressed “Swingers!” I think they were confused with ‘B and Q’, which does stock paint as well as garden swings.

My attention is concentrated at the wall in front of me and as I adjust my focus on a particular area, I am irritated to see that a bubble has formed in the centre of one of the strips of wallpaper. It is situated just above where the headboard of the bed will go, and once it is noticed, it will become the focal point of the room.

The wet paint has highlighted a pre-existing fault in the original application of wallpaper paste. I am not responsible for this but am uncomfortably aware that the clients are likely to apportion blame to the present tradesman and not the original perpetrator of the inferior work.

I have an urge to burst the bubble or at least squash it flat, but that would smudge the paint. I may not be a master of my trade but I take enough pride and try to avoid smudges (also streaks, drips, brushstrokes and horsehair).

Bubbles in wallpaper are a hazard of the profession over which I can have no control. Oh…and flies! Sometimes flies land on the wet paint and get stuck, especially on glossed window sills, the little bastards!

When I was an apprentice I simply painted over the flies as revenge for their vandalism. Nowadays I pick them off with tweezers and apply a fresh dab of gloss onto the disturbed surface. It’s an indication of how far I have come with my anger management sessions.

I often wondered if it was the lead in the paint that was making me mad, like it did with the hatter’s many years ago in the old days. Or was it mercury they used? Why would they need mercury in hats? Why would they need lead? Who wants a heavy hat?

I guess if you lived in windy areas it would be a boon to have a sturdy hat. Or even that Japanese guy in that James Bond film-the one where he was throwing his hat like a Frisbee and if it hits you it really hurts. What was his name? Kato? No, no …ha! Doctor No! Not now Kato! Wait, that was Jacques Cousteau…No, he was the scuba diver dude…Scooby dooby doo…looking for clues…Cluedo…Clouseau that’s it! Inspector Clouseau…Kato was his sidekick…sidekick? His job was to attack Clouseau with karate kicks when he least expected it…funny job that…Odd Job! That’s the Japanese guy who threw his hat at James Bond…Odd Job!

Actually, that’s me too. I’m the odd-job man. I do garden clearance, change fuses, fix leaky taps, but not the mixer type - too complicated (I’m not a mixer-fixer). I un-clog clogged guttering, do repairs to the small panes of glass you get in greenhouses, and of course my main talent is painting.

I’ve got all the right tools. Scrapers, wire brushes for removing old paint (not for painting with-I use horsehair), various grades of sandpaper, a collection of old rags (some damp, some dry), one of those little rollers for getting behind radiators and of course a telescopic extension pole.

Again, I wonder if I can reach the bubble from where I am lying, using the extension pole as an ad-hoc lance? Nonsense! That would smudge the paint, and I may not get a chance to repair the damage. After all, I have no way of knowing if this tingling in my arms is a good sign or a bad sign.

You’re probably wondering why I have been staring at the paint for so long.

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But seeing as I’ve nothing better to do I might as well.

A few hours ago, I was stung on the back of my neck by a bumble bee and I fell off the step ladder. Now, due to a combination of anaphylactic shock, mild concussion and a paralysing back injury, I am unable to move from my position in the corner of the room. All I can do is stare at the wall that I have just finished painting and that damned bubble! Pure torture!

The funny thing is that the owners of the house have gone away for their summer holidays and won’t return for two weeks, so I am in fact quite a prisoner. The paint will be dry as a bone by the time they get back and, perhaps, so will I.

Nothing more than a bag of bones…skull and bones…Jolly Roger…Davy Jones’ locker…so many men on a dead man’s chest…treasure chest…silver coins. Silver! That’s the colour I was trying to remember!