Just hold me

Staring down the empty suitcase Theodore sniffed and wiped his face with his already damp sleeve. The tears continued streaming down his face. No matter how hard he ground his teeth. No matter how much his fingernails cut into his palms. The tears didn’t want to stop. Actually, he just wanted to sit down and howl like a lone wolf.

I’m just like one of them. Abandoned by my pack.

But this would bring her to his room immediately. Shaking his head he felt something wet on his upper lip. Automatically, his tongue dashed out, and the salty taste of his snot calmed him down a bit. Another wipe over his face and a few deep breaths eventually made the stream of tears stop. His face still felt hot, but his inside felt even hotter. Like there was a fire in his chest. He didn’t like the feeling.

This time I just leave. Then she’ll see. Let’s see who’s crying then.

He crouched down and inspected the suitcase. It wasn’t big and had a musky old smell. It had been his father’s that much he knew. The fabric lining was slightly stained and, in some places, it was torn so he could see the dark plastic underneath.

Clothes. I need clothes first.

He ventured over to his wardrobe. When he opened the door the first thing he grabbed was his favourite pullover. Looking at it, his fingers clenched and he threw it back, making a small mess of the otherwise tidily stacked and organized piles.

No, not this. She’ll think I actually miss her.

It took him a while to find a pullover which his grandmother had gifted him for his last birthday. A frown appeared on his face again. But then, with a last longing glance towards his favorite pullover he let the long time ignored gift drop on the floor. It was warm. It was new. It would last him longer.

The way he picked the other clothes was similar. First, he would grab his favorites, just to discard them immediately. Eventually, a small pile of clothes, mostly new and unworn were on the floor at his feet, while the wardrobe looked like a tornado had gone through.

A grin appeared on his face.

Oh, she’ll hate this! Ha! I don’t care.

There was a small nagging thought in the back of his head. It would only take a second to apologize and everything would be back to the way it had been before.

No, not this time! I’m not the one at fault! It’s her!

After throwing the clothes into the suitcase something felt wrong. The underwear, the socks, the t-shirts and trousers were forming a small mountain. But he still needed to bring more. He crouched and while grumbling under his breath he rearranged the clothes, so they built the soft foundation for the really important things.

Proudly he stood up. The heat in his chest had lessened and he felt like he could breathe normally again. But the anger was still there. Scanning his room, he thought about what to bring next.

What is really important? What will I need?

His gaze stopped at his bookshelf. Most of them were heavy and big. They wouldn’t fit in the suitcase. With his fingers bumping over the spines, he stopped at one of his favorites. The green spine made him smile and he pulled it out. His lips moved carefully when reading the title and he was halfway to his suitcase when he stopped in his tracks.

No, I can’t bring this.

Even while thinking this everything in him screamed to take this book along. It was funny. It was easy to read. And most of all his father gave him this book. While hesitating he felt the anger come back.

I can’t bring it. She’ll think I’m still a baby.

So, with a few stomps he was back at the shelf and Stuck was squeezed between more of the books which he had fond memories of. After scanning the spines one more time he decided to go for a different title.

Yes, this the right one to take.

Trying to convince himself, he placed the book on top of his clothes. His stomach clenched seeing what he had packed so far. The nagging feeling in the back of his mind grew stronger, but he shook his head. He had to push on quickly. Otherwise, he would cave. Otherwise, he would give in. Again. This he wouldn’t do again.

The careful knock on his door made him turn around. It was followed by a rattling on the doorknob. She was trying to get in, but he hadn’t known this. She always followed up after a fight.

- “Theo? Are you okay?”

Her voice was gentle and soft. There was even a small tremor in her voice and Theodore could easily imagine her worried gaze. He knew that expression like the back of his hand. The urge to open the door grew. Maybe she would apologize to him. Followed by a hug. He loved her warm cuddles. When she gave him small kisses and ruffled his hair.

No! She is the one in the wrong!

The tears erupted again and so did the anger.

“Go away! I don’t want to talk to you!”

It was a screeching shout. Embarrassment made the tears even hotter. She had a knack for making him sound so childish.

- “Theo. Just open the door. We talked about not …”

“No! Leave me alone! I’m not talking to you!”

His breathing was heavy but at least now he hadn’t sounded like a rubber duck in the bathtub being squeezed. Still, his sole focus was on the woman on the other side of the door. His ears tried to catch any sound. His eyes stared at the silent doorknob.

Finally, there was a small sigh, which made his stomach drop.

- “Well … if … just let me know, when you’re ready to talk. I’m in the kitchen.”

The footsteps followed by this sentence made his tears have a different flavor. Everything in him screamed to unlock the door and run after her. Her voice had lacked strength. All strictness had been replaced by disappointment and resignation.

For a few moments, Theodore stood there without moving. Everything was quiet. No loud angry bangs of doors. No shouting. Feeling cold all of a sudden, he crossed his arms.

She’s not going to make me feel guilty. I am going to leave!

But his movements weren’t as certain as before. The way he filled his suitcase was only guided by discarding items he really wanted to bring. In the end the suitcase was filled with items he had rarely used. There was no attachment to them. If someone would steal this suitcase, he wouldn’t be distraught.

Well, that’s what she deserves. I don’t need anything which I got from her.

With more force than needed he pushed down the lid of the suitcase. The rusty clasp needed some convincing but, in the end, secured the suitcase’s contents.

Now, I’m ready.

Looking around his room for what would be his last time, his gaze stopped at his bed. The pillow was pushed to the end while the blanket was stuffed in a ball at the other side. Like this, there was a big free space on the mattress where all his friends sat lined up. His heart stopped for a second before it started beating up his throat.

Mr. Beaky!

The yellow fluffy duck was torn away from its soft toy friends.

I don’t care if I got you from her. You need to come!

Mr. Beaky smelled faintly of sweat, but made Theodore feel comfortably warm inside. Mr. Beaky had accompanied him forever. He was his anchor in an unfair world, which was against him. Which didn’t allow him to do what he wanted. Which told him to follow rules.

“Let’s go, Mr. Beaky!”

Grabbing the suitcase’s handle, he huffed when he lifted it off the floor. He wobbled a bit and Mr. Beaky almost fell on the floor.

Maybe I shouldn’t have packed so much. No! I need all of it!

But the nagging feeling in the back of his head got stronger. The moment he unlocked the door; he held his breath. Fearing she might still linger in the corridor. But everything was quiet. His hand around the handle got sweaty. By the time he reached the landing of the staircase his arm hurt.

Have the stairs always been so steep?

Setting down the suitcase for a moment, his now sweaty hand took Mr. Beaky. With a deep breath his left hand grabbed the handle and he started his descent. Usually he held the railing, but now he couldn’t and felt unsteady.

What if I fall? It will hurt. I don’t want to be hurt.

This thought alone made his feet start to feel for each step. The suitcase by now weighed a ton. Mr. Beaky also escaped his grip. Theodore tilted his body to one side to counter the suitcase’s weight. But this made his descent even harder. Then there was the first bang.

The plastic case had hit one of the stairs. Theodore flinched. She must have heard the noise. He hurried his steps. He needed to get out before she caught him. He needed to get out before he changed his mind. He needed to get out.

That’s when he slipped. There was a scream. There were loud bangs. Plastic against wood. Mr. Beaky flew high into the air.

Ducks can’t even fly that well.

Theo saw the duck. Theo saw the ceiling.

Then there was pain. Up his back. Down his head.

The cry was for help. The cry was an outlet for pain.

Then she appeared.

- “Oh, Theo! Theo!”

“Mommy!”

There was pain. There were sobs and tears.

But then, there were hugs and gentle rubs. Theodore nuzzled up to his mother. Tears streaming down his face. The dull throbbing pain in his body. But it wasn’t that bad. His mother was there. She held him. She calmed him down. She cared for him.

“I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry!”

The words suppressed for so long finally found their way out. The nagging feeling stopped. The warmth engulfed him. He felt light. He felt right.

The stroking hand never stopped. Instead, they got slower. They got gentler. Theodore breathed in the warmth. The familiar, calming smell of his mother. There was a soft sniffle. The hug tightened slightly. A shaky breath ruffled his hair.

“I’m sorry too, Theo.”