A Full Belly

Carlin had dealt with so many pains through life. The pain of love, the sting of loss, the dread of needing a root canal and the feeling of his lottery ticket being just one miserable damn number off of changing his life. But more than anything, being in the throes of hunger had to be the worst.

Even the frigid bite of winter could be dealt with in relative ease, as long as he had a hot meal in him. Which is why, sitting here under the loud over pass as he gazed out to the steel sky blanketing the city he was calling home on this particularly freezing December day, he thought it was a damn shame he was so hungry. Especially when he looked back at the hot meal that lay in front of him.

A juicy, still steaming hot dog secured in a warm fluffy bun as it rested in a plastic vessel taunted him. Each wisp of the meaty scent that hit his nose tested his resolve, and elicited a noisy growl from his abdomen. Carlin pulled his jacket tighter and bit his lip. Maybe he could just have a bite? Surely there was enough right?

But who was to say when the next meal would come? He couldn't be careless. If he was going to have some, though, he would have to decide now, it was already half gone. His mouth watered a little bit, he licked his chapped lips. No, he could endure, this had to come first. After all, he wasn't really that hungry. He had been hungrier. Like back in St. Louis, he had been so hungry he had thought about eating his own belt. Carlin was pretty sure he'd heard that sailors used to do that when they ran out of food at sea. There was a time he was so ravenous he'd eaten food he well knew would likely make him sick, all in the name of trying to live just one more day. Comparing how hungry he was then to how hungry he was now, it was obvious. He wasn't that hungry.

Still it was hard not to be envious as he looked at the quickly disappearing sustenance. It was hard not to imagine the feeling of the skin on the frank bursting between his teeth, releasing the juice into his palate and transporting him just momentarily into a different place. It was hard not to imagine the texture of the cheap bun sticking to the roof of his mouth and picking bits of it out between his teeth. Finally Carlin got up and out from under the over pass, before his spirit could waver any further. Sticking his tongue out he tried to see how many snow flakes he could catch. Maybe playing a game or trying to entertain himself would keep his mind off of the growing pain in his stomach. It wasn't working.

Just a bite, just one little bite. With his head hanging in shame he turned around to get his little piece of respite, when he felt something rub against his leg. Looking down his gaze was instantly held prisoner by two brown, beautiful, eyes. His friend Rayray was still licking her lips and gums as she savored the last bits of her meal. Carlin could see the little flecks of beef disappearing from the fur on her chin as she trotted circles around him. Well, that was that.

"Jeez, no manners huh?" His voice was hoarse as he knelt down and buried his face into the fluffy coat of his faithful companion. How could he be mad at this girl? After all she had to eat too right. Besides, it's not like she eats to take away from him right? She just eats for the same reason as anyone, to not be hungry.

"Come on, let's get out of the snow." Carlin lazily dragged himself back to his spot under his concrete roof, holding up against the wall and pulling his couple of tattered blankets. The hair on his face tickling his lips as his companion tunneled into the blankets with him. Carlin tucked his hands into Rayray's belly as she curled up, trying to force the constant frost out of his fingertips. A thought briefly crossed his mind as his own belly voiced its discontent once more, Maybe, just maybe he should leave her. She;d find someone else right? She might find a good home, where she would always have a meal and a bed. She might not. Images flashed in mind, visions of Rayray walking down an unfamiliar street, scared and alone. Well, technically most streets were unfamiliar to her with the kind of life they lived, but at least the were always together. They always had each other. She might get taken in by loving family, or she might be found but a cruel and awful sort of person. He might not be able to guarantee her everything she deserved, but he knew he would always care for her. Do his best to keep her safe; he couldn't know that someone else would.

Still, it would be easier to feed himself without the extra mouth. Any food or money he got would always be for him. Only him. Because there would ever be him. No happy pitter-patter to his side drowning out the noise around him. No yaps and barks to happily greet him when he wakes up. No one to be with him as he faces the cruel world. His stomach might be more full, but what would be the point if everything he ate would taste like ash in his mouth. What's the point in eating to survive, if there's nothing to survive for?

Rayray twitched as a driver blared their horn above them. Without thinking, Carlin found his hand rest stop her head as she poked her head out from under the blanket.

"Easy girl, they ain't talkin' to us right now." The Corgi tucked her head back into the blanket. As she curled back up under the thin barrier to the winter air, her fur began to warm up his hands. She didn't used to react like that to the sound of car horns. They'd been honked at enough you'd think she'd have just gotten used to it.

"Go back to sleep. I gotcha." Carlin pulled her close to his side as a mild wind blew his thin graying hair against his cheek. He spread the blankets out a bit as he laid down low and pulled the covers over his head. Rayray shifted around so that her back was against his chest. As his hand stroked her side, Carlin imagined the white and brown fur weaving through his fingers, because it kept him from imaging being in a warm bed. As his arm wrapped around her abdomen and pulled her close, his mind drifted back to the hot dog. The one the street vendor had been nice enough to give him for free on his way back to their makeshift camp for that night, when he realized he was less than a dollar short of having some a nice hot meal. Trying not to imagine the shame he felt when he realized that she hadn't gotten to eat the chicken wing he had gotten for her earlier that day. He remembered how the hot dog was already halfway into his mouth when he heard the whimper. His teeth had just made contact with the bun when his eyes met the pitiful gaze of the hungry pup.

As he blinked his eyes open one last time to observe the setting sun before trying to get some sleep, his sight was drawn to the empty plastic container, the fog of the steam from the heavily processed, cheap piece of meat long gone from its surface.

"I hope it was yummy girl." Carlin whispered to his best friend as he closed his eyes. He'd find something to eat tomorrow. He could endure the pangs that threatened to steal his sleep from him in the coming hours. He could wake up tomorrow and face another day, because even though he didn't have much, even though he wasn't a man of great means. He was at least able to make sure his friend had a full belly.