Etches

Things really couldn’t get any worse.

Rain pounded the tent outside — not the sweet, cinematic kind, but a relentless downpour that flattened flowers and turned grass into mud. It wasn’t even eight in the morning. My wedding day had barely begun, and already it felt like a test.

Was this an omen?

Was I making a mistake?

“Dear, stop worrying. It’s written all over your face,” my mother said gently. “This isn’t a sign your marriage is doomed. Brides have survived far worse weather than this.”

“Mom… how did you know that’s what I was thinking?”

“Because every bride thinks it,” she said. “And because you’re my daughter.”

I tried to let her confidence steady me, but doubt lingered. My parents had once stood at an altar too. They had once believed in forever. Six years after their divorce, I still didn’t understand where it had unraveled.

When I told my father about the engagement, his voice over the phone had been polite — but distant. I told myself not to think about that today. Not now.

Mick was everything I could have hoped for. Steady. Kind. Devoted to his family. He made me laugh in the middle of ordinary Tuesdays. At thirty, this felt like the right time — mature enough to understand love wasn’t a fairy tale, but hopeful enough to believe in it anyway.

And yet, as the rain kept falling, I feared happiness might fade the way it had for my parents.

Outside, the white tent sagged slightly under the weight of water. The parish hall backup plan felt small and disappointing. This wasn’t how I had imagined it — sunlit, cool, perfect.

But perfection, I reminded myself, was never the promise. The commitment was.

The phone rang. The florist - trying to get a read on how to proceed for the day. I heard mom discussing it with her in the other room and didn't have the strength to walk over. My mother popped her head around the wall, "Hun, is it okay if we keep the florist on standby for another hour while we see what is going to happen with this rain?" I nodded reluctantly and gave a thumbs up while exhaling. The ceremony was set for 1:00p.m. which was in only a few hours. Hair and make-up would be here any minute and so would my two bridesmaids. Tara and Melanie were my beautiful cousins. We were close in age and spirit, always had been. I breathed deeply in and deeply out; deciding I would enjoy this rain and set it as my purpose to keep moving forward.

By twelve p.m. I found myself primped and preened with some sort of perfume that the stylist had recommended which was subtle but effective. It was to the tune of a floral arrangement, delightful. I hoped Mick liked how I looked. I loved my hair. It was pulled back in beautiful curls with some baby's breath thrown in here and there like confetti. I felt like Elizabeth Bennet on my way to the ball. I was certainly feeling nervous but the rain had subsided and the reception tent had stayed strong and sturdy despite runoff and muddy grounds. I would leave for the Church in about fifteen minutes with my mother and bridesmaids.

"You know DD, I am so happy to be a part of your wedding. I brought some champagne along to celebrate and if you're feeling even more brave, a bottle of tequila just in case." Melanie was holding both up for me as I sat by the window observing the reception tent in my beautiful white dress and teal pumps. I had been drinking a glass of water up until now; too nervous to down anything else or eat much. I nearly spit all my water out all over my dress which I suppose wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world.

"Melanie….what would I do without you? Let's have a glass of champagne AND a shot"

As my mother had already left the room to go take care of some details in the tent I was ready to go hard and it was still an hour before the ceremony so I didn't feel bad. As Tara fished for some shot glasses in the cabinet under the kitchen of our rental I folded a large towel over my gown just to be safe and checked the mirror once again. Tara was dancing around the room and at this point was messing with her Bluetooth speaker ready to blast some song that would get us dancing around the room. I was enjoying the scene while Melanie poured the shots and the champagne glasses at the table.

"To our BEAUTIFUL DD, she is brave, too good for Mick and our best cousin in the world." With a quick laugh and smile we raised our glasses, clinked and downed the shot. I closed my eyes and felt the burn.

The sensations around me shifted as I opened my eyes and a flash of light hit me like car lights turning on in the middle of the night on a dark road. There was a whirring and a high pitched sound that hurt my ears. The air felt quiet and lifted like walking into a sound room that holds no reverberation. Even the smell had changed from musty old house to grass and woods. Tara and Melanie were gone and in their place was a large door with strange imprints on it.

What had been in that shot? I hadn’t eaten much this morning and now I was paying for it. I found my voice and without thinking screamed. I screamed until my voice was hoarse. I had called for Melanie and Tara to no avail. I called for my mother. The light was blinding me and it was almost as if nothing else were around me and I was just floating.

I reached my hand toward the door and I could feel it. I felt the etchings....somehow they seemed familiar. I wasn’t sure if in a dream state you can still feel. "Hello?"

I realized all of a sudden that my feet were touching the ground again and the light was fading. As the light faded I closed my eyes, my body preparing me for whatever was to come next which I hoped was nothing but being back in the room with my cousins and having a good laugh at this lapse of consciousness. The room was smaller, nothing in it. The walls were a soft blue with flowers painted in beautiful patterns laced with gold and there before me was the door. The same door as before with etchings and quiet around me. It was the only way out, or I suppose forward. Something in me once again felt it was familiar. I was still in my wedding dress and I was still holding the shot glass. What was this? Some kind of weird prank the girls were pulling on me? They would never drug me if that was the case so it couldn't be them. Perhaps somehow I had died and that fear was felt deep in my whole body. A wave of tenseness came over me once again and I decided the only course of action was to open that door.

I opened the door in a swift movement and braced for the worst. To my surprise I was outdoors and it was beautiful. There was sunshine but somehow still cloud cover. I was near my reception tent in just the way I had imagined it. It wasn't humid or wet like it had been earlier and there seemed to be a sort of glow around me and everything I looked at.

"Hello, Deirdre, how are you lately?"

I whipped my head around and saw a beautiful woman in a flowing dress in the garden just behind me. Had that garden been there before? Had she been standing there this whole time? If so, she was silent as a mouse.

"Who are you? I feel safe but I know this isn't real life? Have we met before? Where is my family, my cousins, my fiancee?"

"My goodness, I know you have many questions and really the answers are all irrelevant at the moment, but to put your mind at ease they are all safe and you will see them again soon."

The woman was of my height and had beautiful soft brown eyes and she had an ethereal feel to her. I knew her. I looked at her and I understood that I knew her, she protected me.

“Deirdre, today is your wedding day and I wanted to pay you a visit. The last time we met was many, many years ago when you were a small girl and you needed help. Do you remember that?”

“I am remembering that I know you and that you are somehow connected to me. Is this the afterlife? Did I die? Somehow you are an angel and you are going to send me back?”

She lifted her hands out and held something in her palm. “You have not died, not at this time. I am otherworldly but to which world I cannot reveal. This is the token you gifted me last time we met.”

“Okay so let me get this straight, when I was a young girl I took a shot and then I had a vision of you? That seems so NOT spiritual.”

She laughed gently and placed the box on the ground where it popped open and I saw there were some pearl earrings inside. “I can see how you would see it that way. No, the last time it was because you had eaten very little and were in a moment where I can reach you. You were nervous about your 10th birthday and if your friends would show up and how they would perceive you in your new dress. Your mother had spent so much time planning and making sure everything would be perfect.”

“My mother? Yes she has always been so thoughtful and supportive of me.”

“A mother’s love is the real thread that connects my world to yours, that connects the supernatural to the natural. She is the reason I found you in the first place.”

“So are you an angel? Are you my guardian angel?”

She was closing her eyes now and walking closer to me to which I instinctively took a step back.

“Deidre it’s time for you to see what a mothers love is.” She placed the pearl earrings in my hand and looked at me with care.

The flash of light returned and I was in my old house suddenly from my childhood. I knew exactly what event I had come back to somehow. I was at my birthday party. The one my mother had excellently curated to be exactly the princess theme that I wanted with decorations all over the living room and all over the kitchen. There were games laid out on the coffee table and magazines of Disney princesses all with “Happy Birthday DD!” written across the top. I immediately melted inside because it was impossible that I was here….what was happening to me couldn’t be real. Amazingly, my mother walked in, of course her younger self in tears frantically straightening items and looking around to make sure the decorations were straight or just at the right angle. She was on the phone….an old flip phone that she had gotten to carry around recently that year. She also had a small box wrapped up that she was turning around in her palm with her left hand. The pearl earrings….

“I know mom, but I just want everything to be perfect for her and two of her friends just called to cancel because they said the weather is bad and they won’t be leaving the house. I already know she’s going to be so disappointed because she has been looking forward to this day for about three months now.”

She paused while I assumed my grandmother was responding on the other line. I could see tear streaks down her face. Suddenly there was movement upstairs on the floorboards which I could only assume was….well me.

She scrunched her face and grabbed a tissue from the side table to quickly wipe her face. “Mom I have to go, she is coming down any minute.”

Suddenly the flash of light came back and the scene changed. I was still in my house but the living room was different. The furniture had moved around slightly and it was a newer t.v. This must have been some years later but I’m not sure when. Once again I spotted my mother sitting in the armchair and suddenly there was movement from the other room. My father walked in and saw her sitting there. He looked so different than he does today, less weary, less lines.

“So how was your day? Did you do anything out of the ordinary?”

“Well Deidre is hiding something from me. I know she has felt the tension between us lately and she said she would be with her friends. She texted me earlier that she was out with Mel but I just called Jan and she said Mel told her she was at piano lessons right now. I don’t know why she thinks I won’t find out?”

“What do you mean she has been aware of the tension between us? I wasn’t aware that we had let anything on….but that I suppose kids are smart.”

My mother shifted uncomfortably, “She needs us, she needs you, her father, I would never want to jeopardize that support for her. We can work together and be happy the way we once were for ourselves but also for her, she deserves better.”

As she spoke she began to cry again and I noticed she was fidgeting with her hands the way I sometimes do when I feel overwhelmed or nervous. My father stared into space and I wondered to myself why he didn’t say something. I felt so sad….not sad because of how things had unfolded but sad to realize that my mother truly wanted to fight for our family not just for herself but for all of us. It was so touching and I could only imagine how lonely she felt at that moment. I was mad at myself for making her worry about me. Who knows where I was at that moment, but I hoped I had apologized when I came home.

The flash of light came to me once again and honestly I was getting kind of tired of it so I was hoping my angel-sweet-lady-figure would send me back soon but as I came back into normal frame I assumed that wasn’t true because I was back at my reception tent and there was still that glow. At least I was getting closer to where I had been before. I heard a voice just behind me and it was my mother. She was standing about three feet from another figure who was my father.

Her voice was clear and concerned, “Why are you mad? Why are you doing this on our daughter's wedding day?”

“You made me come, you made me tell her I was paying for this wedding and honestly I think it’s silly that you are fabricating that I am always so much more invested in this than I am. She is going to find out and it’s going to crush her.”

My head was spinning and my heart was racing. I had been so sure that perhaps my father and I had turned a corner and he truly did want to be in my life. Everything was blurry all of a sudden and I suddenly felt a start. I was being shaken. Someone was holding my hand and moving my shoulders to try to jolt me back. I had a terrible taste in my mouth and something warm on my forehead.

I slowly opened my eyes and blinked a few times. There right in front of me was my beautiful mother. I sat up quickly, “Mom!” and I gave her a big hug. “You scared us half to death, you must eat something immediately. Do you feel okay?”

“Yes mom I feel fine I’m just so glad to have you and grateful that you support me.”

“Yes well I am going to call a medic just to make sure you are okay, but in the meantime I wanted to show you something.” Tara and Melanie came over and were holding my hand and giving me hugs telling me it was about time to go when my mother held a photo in front of me. It was a beautiful woman with beautiful brown eyes.

“You’ve always reminded me of her, this was my grandmother, your great grandmother.”