What is a human?

My daily session with my therapist. Daily? Yea, daily. It was that or a heavier dose of the mood stabilizer. I didn’t like the fuzzy feeling from the heavier dose. I also knew that I had to do this sooner or later. Doing sooner had already made my life better. So, daily it was.

As usual, Dr. Beth Dalton, my psychologist and psychiatrist, simply said.

“How are you doing?” I paused instead of starting. I was about to ‘fine’ when the fact that I wasn’t fine crashed into me.

“Am I human?” Once again, my mouth outran my mind.

“ I mean …” I stopped, looked down at my shoes and made a big sigh. I waited. No, I realized I was stalling. I was lost and needed a hint. I wanted her to say something, ANYTHING to help me. It was against the “rules”. I didn’t know if Beth would break her own rules, but I hoped. The silence dragged. I hear the air rushing through the ventilation grill. I heard faint conversation from beyond the walls. I heard her seat creak as she leaned forward.

“Lillian.” I looked up. Her face was different.

“You know the rules.” I nodded. Tears came before I realized it. I wiped them away and strangled a sob. That surprised me even more. I blinked away the rest of the tears and found Beth holding a tissue. I nodded and took it, wiped my face and blew my nose. I balled it up and off hand threw it into the trash can behind me.

“”I mean, who else can do a throw like that?” My thumb jerked back towards the can. Beth leaned back, half a smile on her face.

“Oh, I know one or two that could do it.” I glared at her.

“Really?”

“No, not really. But it got you out of your pit.” Her face was calming and open. I felt the trust we’d developed over the months. I sighed.

“That’s what I mean!” My calm shredding a little. I stopped, closed my eyes and calmed.

“I mean, I can do things no one can get close to! Things no one has done before! I feel like a freak!”

“Stop it!” Beth's command shattered the impending panic. I gulped air. I sat up straight, closed my eyes and just breathed. Box breathing. Four in. Hold four. Out four. Hold four. Again and again. I felt a return of Beth’s calm presence. I went on box breathing for a while longer, then opened my eyes.

The concern on her face almost broke my fragile state of mind. But, I realized it was only concern. And patience. And NOT pity, or sadness or any other emotions. She was giving me a safe place. A safe place to stabilize myself. I closed my eyes and went back to breathing.

I returned to “normal”. I kept my eyes closed until I felt calmly normal. A deep breath in, exhaled out and opened my eyes. Beth was still there, just watching and waiting. I wiped my face.

“I mean…”

“Before you go into that loop again, I want you to consider things others do that you can’t do.” THAT was the kind of hint that I wanted! I considered the request. “Tell me a few.”

“There is Kenji who is even faster than I am in the martial arts. Fredie who is inventing a new math notation. Amber, who can dance ballet like she has no ligaments. George…”

“Enough.” Beth said softly. “So, you aren’t totally unique in your unique abilities.” I considered that for a minute.

“No. But…”

“What happened to start this?” I was startled. I let my mind run to find the answer. Then it came to me.

“A new kid from England was introduced into my English class. After introductions he was seated across the room.”

I was in the room.

He asked in a whisper who the mesh girl was. No, he asked who the mess girl was. DeeDee turned around to him and waved him quiet.

“That’s mesh girl, you twit. Don’t look, but she is 3 desks over and two forward.” He looked at me. I looked back at him. He jerked his head to the slate on his desk.

“What's so special about her?” He whispered more quietly.

“She’s a genie. She thinks she can talk to machines.” DeeDee turned back to her slate and ignored him.

“That’s weird.” DeeDee whirled and rapped him on the head with her slate.

“Shut up, idiot!” She hissed.

I was back in the room with Beth. She waited.

My mind was in turmoil. I fought to separate the different threads.

“Tell me what is going on.” Beth nudged me.

“A new kid called me weird.”

“And?”

“It hit me differently. I mean, I’ve been called weird by my friends and I’ve called them weird as well. Something was different.”

“What was different?” I tried to figure it out. I realized I couldn’t force it. I closed my eyes and visualized the room again. I heard him say it again. I looked at Beth.

“When he said it, I heard undertones.” Beth nodded.

“Fear, horror and revulsion. I was something not human.” I shivered.

“And?”

“It scared me! What if others thought like that? What if…”

“What did your friends say about him?” I stumbled mentally.

“I have been so upset I haven’t talked to anyone.” My voice rose an octave.

“Do you think your friends haven’t noticed?” I closed my eyes and sank into the chair. THAT is what Clair was trying to tell me. I lost it. A tissue was pushed into my hand. I wiped my eyes and breathed. And sniffled. And half sobbed.

“Now, let's flip the question.” I looked at her. She had this smile I can only think of as evil. “What does it mean to be human?” Too much. I snapped.

“ I DON'T KNOW!” I looked at Beth, tears streaming down my face. She just smiled.

“Then how do you know you aren’t human?”