Find Me

It was so terribly cold. Snow was falling, and it was almost dark. I found Ryan by the horses, looking through the contents of his saddle bags. He didn't hear me approach, or he was too distracted.

"Hey," I said.

Ryan jumped, like he was caught sneaking food back into his room when he was seven. "Uh, hi Marnie, what, um, what's up?" He stood awkwardly, trying to cover up his actions.

He was leaving.

"Oh, you know. Couldn't sleep. These northern winters, I don’t know how people get enough rest when it stays light until 10 pm."

Ryan nodded. "Right, yeah, no me neither. I was just, um," he cleared his throat. "I was just checking the supplies. You know, for tomorrow. Gotta be prepared."

"Right." I sat down on a crate nearby, rubbing my hands together to try to keep warm. "You know," I said like I was offering advice about how to assemble a cabinet, "if I were going to leave the Resistance, I wouldn't do it the night before a huge battle."

I saw Ryan's smile fade, his heart break. He knew I knew.

"Y-yeah?" He took a steadying breath. "Right. Yeah I probably look dumb right now."

I shook my head. "Nah. Not really." I gave the empty spot next to me on the crate a couple of pats, inviting him to sit.

He did.

I sighed, looking up at the snowy winter sky. It was cloudy, of course, so there wasn’t a single star visible. We couldn’t even see the moon through the dense clouds, though I knew it was full tonight. "It's okay to be scared, Ryan."

"I…I know. I know that, but I wasn't leaving because I was scared, you know? I was…I was leaving because…I think I'm gonna fuck it up for everyone tomorrow."

"What do you mean? You're one guy, there's like, a hundred of us."

Ryan picked up a pebble off the crate, and started rolling it around in his fingers. "I know, I know, I just…You know that first day in boot camp, when Sarge pulled me aside after 'capture-the-flag'?"

"Yeah."

Ryan took another deep breath. "He told me if I couldn't get my act together, then I should just pack up and go back home. Because my incompetency was a risk to the team."

It clicked for me, suddenly. Those extra nights Ryan spent training. His refusal to back down, even when everyone else could see he was fighting an uphill battle. I had watched Ryan push himself harder than anyone else, in the whole Resistance, and I could never figure out what this guy was trying to prove.

"Ryan, I…" I didn't know what to say.

"And I thought I was doing pretty great, you know?" His voice pitched up a little bit, and I can see his eyes getting red. "I wasn't as strong as Tony, you know, I wasn't as good a shot as Bernie, but I really thought I was gonna do something great." I watched a tear slide down his cheek, but he kept staring straight ahead.

I realized what changed. "The canyon today."

"The fucking canyon!" Ryan, faster than I could track, hurled the pebble across the field. I heard it bounce off a rock, then disappear, sinking into the snow. "I just…" He started sobbing, his breath coming in ragged gasps. "I didn't mean to …I didn't want Cameron to die, he just tripped, and…"

And he fell. Ryan and Cameron had gotten in a fight over something dumb. Cameron threw the first punch, and he tripped when Ryan redirected the blow. The canyon walls were so steep.

"Ryan, that doesn't mean you're gonna screw everyone over tomorrow. That was an accident. You're still one of the best soldiers we've got."

"Yeah, but no one else here killed one of their own, did they?"

We fell into silence. Ryan cried beside me, and I searched for something I could say. As we sat, I watched as the snowflakes glowed as they fell into the light cast by Ryan’s flashlight.

I took a deep breath. "Did I ever tell you about my sister?"

Ryan sniffed, and scrunched his eyebrows together. "I didn't know you had a sister."

"I don't." I took a box of cigarettes out of my coat pocket. "Not anymore." I opened the box and held it towards Ryan, who took a cigarette.

"I…I'm sorry."

"'S fine." I took a cigarette for myself, lit it, and passed the lighter to Ryan. "I was…eh, probably twelve. Her name was Leah. She would have been nine."

Ryan took a drag, and I could see him relax a bit.

"Leah and I," I continued, "We were at this, uh, summer camp. Like twenty kids, wasn't a big group. The adults had a pretty easy time keeping us all sort of corralled. That just frustrated the hell out of Leah and me, we wanted to go off on our own adventures, find something like a dragon, you know?"

"Dragons aren't real, though," Ryan said, clearly confused.

I sighed again. "Remember, I was twelve." I took a drag of my own cigarette, and flicked the ash away. "Anyway, one night, me and my sister made a plan to sneak off, while everyone else was asleep. We'd stay up way past bedtime, and go down to the river."

"So…?"

"So we did. No one knew we even left. We got down to the river, which we had crossed like, two days prior, but it had rained the night before. So the river was a bit stronger than we thought it was going to be."

Ryan sat up a tiny bit straighter, and I could tell he understood. "…Oh."

"Yeah. And the dumb thing is, I could tell Leah was nervous. But I was just so excited to be doing something against the rules, there was this rush, you know?"

Ryan didn't say anything, but he was watching me intently. His gaze made me nervous, so I looked out across the snow-covered fields.

"So…we went swimming, It was cold, and the water was stronger than I expected, but that rush made me ignore it. Until…until I realized, I didn't know where Leah was. She was just…gone." I took another shaky drag. "I know it was a while ago, and I was just a kid, but…it still feels like my fault."

"How do you live with it?"

"It's like…It's like a big hole inside you. You gotta fill it with things that are better. Good people, good choices. Make good things like food you bring to your neighbors that are sick." I bumped Ryan's shoulder with my own. "It does get better, though, even if it looks like a really big hole at the start."

"Or a canyon."

I nodded somberly. "Or a canyon. But hey, canyons are made by water taking sand and rocks away, so that means you can put it back, right?" I stood up, and offered Ryan a hand.

He took it, and stood up with me. "Right…I think. That metaphor may have gotten away from you there."

I snorted. "Yeah, a bit."

Ryan shakes his head. "I do feel a bit better…I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm kinda glad you found me."

"Glad I could help. Get some sleep, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. G'night, Marnie."

---

The next day, Ryan finds me bleeding out in the grass.

"Hey," I whisper.

"Marnie, oh my god, oh my god." He rips off his own jacket and starts pressing it to the hole in my side. That’s dumb, I think. Now he’s gonna be cold. "You're gonna be okay, you'll be okay." He turns back to the rest of the squad. "HELP!"

I can tell that the scream tore his throat a little bit, and I feel sorry. Imagine that, sorry someone tried to help me.

"Hey," I say again. "Look at me. This isn't your fault, okay?" My teeth are chattering a bit, my fingers are getting cold. I can’t tell if it’s from the blood loss or just from the snow.

Ryan stares at me, dumbfounded. "Stop that, I don't want you comforting me, we need to get you help." He puts an arm under my shoulders. "Grab onto my neck."

I do. The arm he used to prop me up, he moves to keep clamping down on that wound in my side, and his right arm goes under my legs. He lifts me up, it's precarious, but we manage.

"I lied, you know."

"What are you talking about? Shut up, save your energy."

"I lied about what grief is. It's not a hole, it's black paint."

"I need to concentrate…left, right, left, right.." He keeps muttering under his breath, making sure he keeps taking steps forward.

"It's black paint…you know when you were a kid, and you tried to mix colors, and black just takes over everything?"

"Marnie, shut up."

"Grief is black. Just sucks the color out of everything."

Ryan doesn't respond, just keeps walking.

"I don't want you to give up when I die."

"You're not gonna die."

"You're not allowed to give up."

"STOP!" Ryan falls to his knees.

Ow.

"You're not…You're not gonna die." Ryan begins to sob, his tears landing in my hair as he holds me close.

This is nice.

"I'm glad you found me."