The Purple, Yellow and Orange of my Stevie...

On April 10, my sister Jennifer's birthday, she picked up Stevie's ashes from the funeral home in Albany and brought them to us. It was so emotional and heart-wrenching for all of us. The day was gray and dreary, filled with mist and tears.

Jennifer did say that she could hear Stevie’s voice singing, " It’s your birthday, and you’ll cry if you want to. We all laughed despite everything because that is what Stevie would do if you knew him at all. He wouldn’t want us to be this sad, dammit.

My whole family arrived, including my two older grandkids, who flew from Sacramento to Eugene by themselves. They had to be a part of it, too. Megan flew in from LA on Thursday. That’s when I told everyone I wanted to have a special ceremony outdoors on Saturday. In the woods. At 11:00 am. Just my immediate family and close friends. It meant everything to me.

On Friday night, after a few days of nice weather, the rains returned in the most dramatic way, which included thunder and lightning. It rained all night long, and that tiny window of no rain that showed up on the Weather app disappeared. The clouds remained various shades of menacing gray. Maybe it’s a sign, I thought, because a bright, shining yellow light has disappeared from this earth, and all I could do was shed more tears to add to the rain as we looked out the window. My kids and grandkids added even more watery, gray tears.

My sister stood up for me and said, " We could do this rain or shine! And I said, I walk in the woods in the rain all the time, which is true.  No one else seemed to agree with us. But I knew that some of my family members were supposed to leave on Sunday, so we had to do it on Saturday.

On Saturday morning, when I woke up, it still rained. Shades of gray filled my heart with dread.

I usually love the rain and welcome it. My boyfriend was concerned because he didn’t think everyone would even fit in our place. But he still went to the store and bought snacks and drinks just in case.

At 11 AM, my brother, Michael, arrived. He drove separately from my niece and her family. Then my sister arrived with Gary and Tori. We’ve known Tori since we were young children. Her mom and my mom have been best friends since I was five. She represented all the people my mother knew, most of whom are gone now, except Vicki, who doesn’t travel far these days

Suddenly, a miracle happened. The clouds parted, and a dazzling blue sky with puffy clouds appeared. The rain stopped.

Of course, some people were late, including Jeremy and Erika, and my grandkids, and I completely understood because I know how it is with kids, my grandkids too. Not only did the sun come out a little, but it wasn’t even cold. I chose not to wear a jacket at all. I didn’t care if I got caught in the rain. I thought about wearing a Grateful Dead shirt or a Beatles shirt. In the end, I chose a tie-dye shirt from Weed, California, because I liked the colors. Of course, Jeremy wore a Grateful Dead shirt.

Once we all gathered, I led the way up the neighborhood trail towards the woods, the same way I always go on my walk into the woods. Melissa carried the box with Stevie’s ashes. Or maybe it was Jeremy. I can’t remember now.

Lush green colors of the trees, the leaves and grass appeared along with the purple camas flowers and yellow buttercups mixed in.

We were quite a group marching up the trail. Charlotte and Isaak often took the lead. We were loud and animated. Savoy walked with Gary and Tori at the end of the line. Mikelle and my brother drove their cars to Martin Street to park and met us. Mikelle is dealing with a bad back. As I looked around and behind me, I realized I was surrounded by people who loved Stevie and me, too. I realized I have a big family, along with a couple of people who had known Stevie since they were small children, JD and Travis.

We walked into my beloved woods, the ground still wet from recent rain, and it smelled of spring, new life filling the air. Green surrounded us, and the smell of the trees and the woods gave us hope despite our grief. I wiped tears from my face. I led the way to where the trails meet and up to my favorite tree that I stop at almost every day.

I originally also wanted to scatter some ashes of the pink bleeding hearts and a place I call Flower’s Grove, because I always think of Stevie’s beloved girlfriend who passed away three years ago in April. He never stopped loving her. But you must walk a ways to get there, and I knew I couldn’t get everyone to do that.

My favorite tree is another perfect spot to scatter a few of Stevie’s ashes. She’s a tall, sturdy Douglas fir tree that I named Lucy. I knew I’d be able to say hello to him every day, and he would also be a part of a beautiful tree that I love so much. My family agreed with me. Melissa and I scattered a few ashes around the tree and a little on the tree. Then my kids and my sister gathered around the tree and touched it together. Later, my brother Michael and I would touch the tree together as well.

We could not gather in a circle around my favorite tree because there simply wasn’t enough space. We’d have to take over the whole trail, and there’s a steep downhill grade beyond the tree. So instead, we gathered in the middle area where several trails meet.  We made a big circle.

Of course, my brother Michael began by talking about Stevie and how he traveled with him for an entire summer when Stevie was around eight years old. I remember half the time I didn’t even know where they were because there were no cell phones back then, but it all worked out in the end. My niece, Michael’s daughter, not only spoke of Stevie and said he was her favorite cousin, but she also sang a song in native Māori and translated it. It was beautiful.

Everyone had things to say, even eight-year-old Charlotte. I stood next to my grandson Jeremiah, who became emotional when he talked about his uncle Stevie. Iyumni, his cousin, became super emotional.

We laughed and cried as we listened to all the stories. I could not say too much. Super unusual for me. I was filled with so much emotion, but in the end, I wanted to sing a song. I sang "Two of Us," a Beatles song that Stevie and I used to sing together.

I thought I saw a rainbow form above us, but it was really the yellow sun that cast a colorful glow on our circle for Stevie.

After the ceremony, Issak and Charlotte, along with my brother, who didn’t understand why we scattered ashes at the tree before the ceremony instead of after, and Erika and my daughters, Melissa and Megan, dashed back up into the woods. I swear my little grandkids were ready to walk the whole trail, and I wanted to walk it with them. I was able to walk far enough to show them the beautiful trilliums. Erika said it was fun to see the trail and my favorite tree, since she has seen them in so many of the pictures I have posted. Melissa and Megan have walked the trail with me in the past.

The rest of the gang headed back towards the house, so we couldn’t stay too long. I think Savoy was setting up an outdoor area in front of our house so people could hang out if they wished. The weather was warmish, and still there was no rain.

We met Liezl, Joshua, and little Junyer, who had tried to find us on Martin Street. Junyer, Charlotte and Issak ran straight for the tiny playground. They were late because of Junyer’s very first T-ball game. She told us that Stevie talked them into signing him up, and it meant a lot for them to make sure he got to the game.

It took a long time to drag the kids away from this tiny playground that they loved so much for some reason. That’s what’s great about kids. When they’re playing outside, they’re having fun.

We walked back down the neighborhood trail, admiring the camas flowers. Chairs were already set up, with a small table holding various snacks and even cups of water or juice. Thanks to my boyfriend, who is way more organized than I am, especially right now.

Cecilio took Jeremiah and Iyumni to the basketball court down the street.

We sat outside for quite a while until a gust of wind suddenly blew, then another. Then the rain returned. We invited everyone to come indoors, and some of us went inside. Jeremy said he went down to the basketball court and saw Iyumni, Jeremiah, and Cecilio playing basketball in the rain. It didn’t matter to them. He said it reminded him of when he was a kid and he’d do that on the cul-de-sac where we lived with Stevie and the next-door neighbors.

We had a feast at 6 PM at a Mexican restaurant in Cottage Grove. Mikelle set this up. Not only were most of us there, but a group of people who loved Stevie so much. I could really feel the love there and hug everyone. Sam and Nathan, who had known Stevie since he was a young teenager, were there. They were devastated and sad.

There will be a celebration of life for Stevie, either in late May or June. Stevie knew and inspired so many people, and I’m sure they’ll all want to be at his celebration of life if they can.

Jeremy and Mikelle want to help set it up. I decided to give them the reins. It’s too much for me right now.

However, I picture a celebration of life for Stevie outdoors in a park. People can come and go and dance to the music, because yes, there will be music all day and into the night. All three bands Stevie sang with will hopefully be there playing: Immoral Support, Caught Dead Handed, and Browne Stallion. We will bring in food for everyone, and if we’re lucky, maybe cotton candy for the kids.

Everyone will dance at some point, and the music will keep playing into the night. Those of us still there in the evening sit in folding chairs and continue listening to the music.

See, that’s how it was in the 1960s when the Grateful Dead would set up a makeshift stage at the greens across from where I grew up. I’m sure some of them aren't approved by anyone. These concerts just happened, and people showed up to dance from the afternoon into the night. No notification of this in the news or a newspaper. But we all knew.

There was always free cotton candy and balloons for us kids. We could open our living room window and hear the music.

The music pulsated into my soul and became a part of my DNA when I was a kid. Of course, my favorite would always be The Beatles.

Because when I think of Stevie, I know his favorite places to play music or outdoor venues. He loved hardly strictly bluegrass, set up in Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, where at least 100 bands played, and it was always free.

I went with Stevie and Liezl to the 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love. Also, there was a free concert in Golden Gate Park, and we had so much fun. Heck, we even went to Candlestick Park to watch Paul McCartney perform before they tore it down.

In some ways, Stevie and I were not that different. We talked about that recently, and then we laughed about it like oh my gosh, how is this even possible? 

Sometimes, Stevie and Jeremy would play their drums at Hippie Hill in San Francisco or pretty much anywhere they wanted outdoors.

So many shows. And Stevie was able to follow his dream and sing with a Grateful Dead tribute band, a predominantly classic rock band, and Brown Stallion as well. Every time I saw him up there, I wanted to yell, "Hey, that’s my son, Stevie, up there." I did that a few times, I admit.

Stevie had so many plans, he wasn’t ready to go. My heart is broken, and a part of me is missing forever.

But one thing is certain.

The music never stops.