One's Own Mind

Home…

Once the door was closed behind him, Uriel had hoped he would finally feel a weight start to lift from his chest. Tonight, that wasn’t the case. His back pressed against the door, and he just froze. His eyes scanned his room like it was something unfamiliar to him. Now was the chance for him to dig deep into his mind and break it piece by piece, but he couldn’t move. Am I breathing…? A soft raspy breath finally could be heard, his ears slightly twitching as he realized he was indeed breathing. That only led to his breathing beginning to increase…his chest rising more with how elevated it became. A single raspy breath now turns into a staggered rhythm.

Breathe…

His mind echoed for him to breathe, but it was no use. His body began to slide down against the door, and his knees began to feel weak. His arms fall to rest against his knees as he grabs hold of his head. Everything was coming all at once. The day had begun to replay in his mind.

Touch…

His glove-covered fingers slowly work up and mimic that first touch. They trail up along his arm, up to his shoulder, slowly up to his cheek to cup it. He leans into his hand, taking in the smell of the tears that began to stream down, already dampening the soft fabric. The passion he felt was now barely there, but there were still traces of it that he couldn’t get rid of. It lingered, and he did his best to push it down, but something in him knew that he did not want to.

Confliction…

One thing at a time. He had to break it down. He had to think this all through. He was letting what his body wanted get in the way of how much he trained himself to be okay with not having what everyone else had. He was okay with it. Am I really…? He almost broke. He almost caved. His fingers now rubbed against his bottom lip, thinking of what he almost very well did. If he had done that, there would have been no going back. He would have sunk and let the waves of his selfish desires consume him.

Pain…

That would not have been the best thing, though. What if he switched off? He didn’t have the pleasure of easily functioning normally as Daniel could. When have I last…switched off…? Now that thought was the one to linger. The what-ifs if it happened. Imagining Daniel’s eyes rolling back like…her…rolling back, sinking in as his energy began to get pulled right out of him. The pain that it would inflict on him, even if he survived it. Now Uriel began to softly whimper as his tears continued to build up. He should have said no. He still could. Just contact him..tell him never mind. All would go back to the way things should be. How have they been for over twenty years now?

Panic…

The blood began to pound in his ears. His heart thudded in his chest, feeling like it would break through. His hands are now shaking, gripping his knees to try and get them to stop. His feet tingled. His vision was now disfigured, like he was looking through a fish-eye lens. A mix of chills coursed through him, even though he felt the heat also begin to radiate off his face. Breathe.. He tried, but all he felt instead of air was minor bile that rose in his throat. Try not to panic... It was already too late for that.

Patient…

Be your own patient. That is what he needed to do right now. How, though, if he was stuck in a panic because of the what-ifs? He wasn’t cut out for this, and sitting here as pitiful as he was currently in his room right now over something that should be creating butterflies in his stomach proved it all the more to him. This is what Daniel wanted to get to know? “Ha….”

Reflection...

He should not have opened his mouth to react because now everything wanted to be let free. His body just moves on its own, suddenly rushing to be over the toilet in his bathroom. The lid was raised so that anything that was coming up could come out. There was barely anything to come up besides tea he barely drank. Did I eat today…? Why was he asking himself this question again? He was a fucking doctor. One to make sure those he worked with put their emotions and health above anything else, yet here he was going against his practice. Now he was looking in the mirror. He was content with who he was. Right? He was a simple man. He was okay with the things he managed to have in life. The only life he has ever known is the one he worked on to keep calm while on this ship. He stared into his own eyes with the water now running, his reflection blurred as he began to feel nauseous again.

Feel…

He needed the water. He needed to feel the coolness of it on his skin. Before his chest tightened even more. He looks at his hands and slowly begins to pull his gloves off. His eyes sank, given that he despised looking at them. Black in color up to his wrists, where it meshes into streaks that blended into where his veins were on his brown complexion. He scrunches his nose up in disgust. These hands weren’t meant to feel. All they did was cause hurt to anyone they’d touch. How long before Daniel would realize that? How long before he realizes that Uriel is indeed someone who should scare him? How long before he was disappointed? ’If you go into something with no expectations, that means you also could never disappoint me.’ Those words now played in his head. He didn’t have any, did he? Expectations? Negative ones, yes. He expected to fail. He expected the walls he's worked so hard to put up to be too fucking high. Is he even capable of having feelings for someone else? How would he know that he is feeling something for another person? The water now having been on, he lets the coolness of it soak his hands before he presses them against his face….he…felt he even forgot what his face feels like when he touches it. Pitiful..

Off..

Now his vision was clearer. A deep breath, finally. His hands wrap around his body, imitating a hug, but to himself. There were the tears again, now continuing the constant flow. How can someone have this much come out of their eyes? For what? For something, he wasn’t even completely understanding. For something that was not even a big fucking deal. Turn it off… that thought now lingered. Just..ten minutes. Ten minutes is all he needed to properly think. To save himself from the spiral that felt like it was never going to end. Just…turn it…off…

Think…

His hands relax back to his side. The tears now stopped, and soon the streaks on his face would begin to dry up. His eyes looked at himself now with such a blank expression. Ten minutes. That was it. He takes a deep breath. His body finally came to a normal state, relaxed, an empty shell. He quickly lifts the turtleneck above his head as he walks out of the bathroom. It was tossed to the floor before he makes way over to his desk. He pulls out a notebook and begins to instantly write. There wasn’t much time to waste with an empty head, a moment to process what it is you want. Turning his emotions off is what created that. A monster who takes. Someone who does what they want. Someone who knows what they want and gives no care in the world about how they got it. He knew what he wanted after getting a taste of it. He would make sure to let himself know before taking action on it.

Him…

Someone to selfishly live the life he should have. Why deny the man? Why not let him do what it is he wanted if it meant he, too, could gain something out of it? A smirk was now apparent on his face as he continued to quickly write down his words. He wasn’t thinking, just letting it spill onto the paper. What he was thinking about was himself. His words. ’Just know that if you need me sooner, I’ll come running.’ ’Put yourself before others for a couple of days.’ He was inviting himself over, was he not? Why just take the little taste given when he could provide more, and it would not affect Uriel, given that he can easily shut off his emotions with some chip? All the what-ifs did not matter. The man even offered to feed him. The thought of that made his hands itch. How long has it been since feeling such satisfaction? The rush and pleasure of another’s feelings, absorbing them, the high it gave. Are you stupid?

Stop…

He drops the pencil, and his phone comes from his pocket. He could send a message right now. Would he come this late? Would he really come running? Only one way to test out that theory. He begins to type..but his hands suddenly freeze. Stop. The phone falls to the floor as everything comes rushing back in. Ten minutes was not long enough at times. The amount of exhaustion that hits him makes his body feel like rubber. Dizzy. Dehydrated. All the emotions he could not sort out were trying to push through. Before his eyes could be clouded, though he looked at the paper on his desk that he knew he scribbled on nearly the whole time.

Live…

Uriel. Live. Just live.

Joy > You know deep down this is your only chance at any form of joy that others get to experience normally.

Sadness > You are sad, believing to have failed before anything could begin.

Fear > You fear yourself. One can’t fear you if you don’t show more than the pieces of you that you do show.

Surprised > How can someone like a monster like you, right? It's shocking because someone attempted it once. If a monster is what he wants and what he likes, let him have it.

Anticipation > You will only relieve this emotion if you see where this goes.

Passion > Daniel’s. He wants to get to know you. His words spoke it. You know you want the same. You envy it more than you let yourself realize, more than you let yourself feel it. Get to know him. Live in the moment.

Stop caring. Chip away at the walls. You have more control than you think. You won't fully process anything unless you step out of that bubble you lock yourself in. Stop. Caring.

Live.

Live Uriel.

Just Live.

Humanity…

One’s humanity with no care surely spoke more than Uriel ever could. A moment to process. A moment to realize things. A moment to breathe. Live…it was still hard not to let negativity fester through when that is the mindset one lives with for so long. It wasn’t something that could be fixed overnight. He had to be just as patient with himself as he expected of Daniel, anyone who came into his life.

One’s Own Mind...

Also, there was a step closer to finding out maybe who he was. He was so stuck on this meeting with Daniel…he sighs. One’s own mind tends to do things we truly despise. Tends to make us think more about things than we should. Would that ever end? He doubted it. He still didn’t have high hopes for anything, but at least that was something he was now feeling. Hope.. he could rest, and recuperate now with that thought in his head. With his current mindset being a bit more optimistic than he will probably ever be going forward. Again, this was all what-ifs. Nothing could come out of it, to begin with. His phone may never receive that message. His eyes begin to grow heavy at the thought, now lies back on his chair. He needed to move to the bed, but…he couldn’t. He reached his limit. Switching off was no easy task for his body. Soon enough, that was all that was heard within the room. The sound of his low and quiet breaths..thinking about only one thing as he fell asleep…