Step by Step, Day by Day

I love you. But it's actually more complicated than that isn't it? It's not quite over, I don't want to end it here, never wanted to. My perspective some years ago now, speaks.

Almost laughable, pathetic, ridiculous, isn't it? But what's even more crazy is that only I see it that way.

It's funny to me that I never wanted it to end but I HAD TO. To you it was pure manipulation, his fault. A brainwashing in fact! That I had no free will of my own but it was his mind influencing my opinions and decisions and that one single utterly important decision to end things so abruptly - right then and there and hope that it'd all be over.

My mistake was thinking that I could end it so quickly, not thinking of the huge strings that were attached to my back just like a spiders silk. These huge strings loomed over me, for my entire life, leaving me trapped in your web - until one day I snapped, all it took was bitting, cutting, tugging at it a little everyday for over a DECADE for me to finally SNAP! and escape.

Something I realized only later was that these strings were ALWAYS there, I only never noticed the weight of the strings on my back BECAUSE they were ALWAYS there and HOW HEAVY they were. I had no idea for the longest time - it only became evident once over the years when I started becoming my own person and growing older was when I realized the strings on my back and the day that I left was the day I looked behind me and in the mirror and saw the heavy strings on my back.

Only then did I see your true person revealed, the one to lied to me, caused me so much pain.

You know my whole life, I believed EVERYTHING you said, 100% trust in you, why would you lie? it couldn't be, right? surely not? right?

It wasn't until I ended things, that I realized you lied to so many times, even now I cannot process you possibly lying to me I have to trust him to talk me out of walking myself into that dark place again and again. It's like a short circuit in my head that only glitches for you, when I see you, the different colors light up in my head.

CaN I paInT a PIctURe fOR yOu?

Imagine - just for a moment - think with me.....

Splotches of Vantablack across what is the canvas of my mind, only the bluest blue that are only found in the beaches of Mexico, The absolutely breathtaking colors in the Orion Nebula - that I long to see in person or through a telescope one day, that wonderful feeling I get after feeling the first chilly wind of winter, how I feel when I look in to the vast deepness of the ocean and when I see cats, or when I see gorgeous hibiscus flowers and the way the sun shines on the water when I swim.

That is how I feel when you walk into the room. Did you know? It's a mix of complicated feelings that I don't always know how to explain - that may be the only way in which I know how to do so. I'll never show this to you, why?

Because I know you don't get it.

ONLY YOU. It only glitches like that FOR YOU. ONLY YOU.

WHY? WHY? WHY? For the longest time I felt like I was losing my mind, I couldn't even handle a simple phone call with you, I cried right when I got home after hanging out. Don't really know why...

I just know that it was an entirely NEW and neutral feeling that is neither here nor there, not hot or cold, not vantablack or titanium white, not angry or happy, just neutral, tired, exhausted, immense love, happiness, gratitude, everything.

You've always misunderstood, you think I hated you. You're wrong, I've never hated you and I won't, ever.

At first it was survival, trying to climb out of the gutter you left me in, after I left, they were all on your side. You left me in the dust. Yeah sure, I left you physically but everyone turned against me when I left, when I stood up for myself when I decided enough is enough. You talked bad about me to everyone and affected how they all looked at me. Everything was a mess, even now, I feel as though I am walking on eggshells around you, around them after what happened.

I don't hate you, never have, never will.

Then it became rebuilding, what never was. After everything, my idea of you completely shattered, I had to learn look at you in a different way, a healthy way, a respectful way.

The only way.

I was able to change was, God, he helped me and continues to put away all those horrifying feelings away and get away from the dark place I was in that was so deep and scary.

the kind of dark place that made me cry the kind of cry that you stop making noise because you're almost practically suffocating.

Scary, right?

But, thankfully, I had God, who helped, who grabbed my right hand and helped me to get out of the dark pit I was in and lifted me up and out.

I realized I can't control your actions, only my own, I forgive you for all the pain you caused, and in all honestly it was also my fault, so here's me saying goodbye.

To the old me, the angry me, the one whose fault it was also and never took responsibility and for that I am truly sorry for the pain I caused and I know you may never admit to what you did and I have learned to accept that, its ok.

I'm saying goodbye to the old relationship we had, and saying hello to smiles, hugs, love, and swallowing my pride to say, "yes, you're totally right" instead of screaming in intense inexplicable livid anger.

Saying goodbye to our old relationship, having zero patience for you, only anger, almost as if anger was a reflex.

Saying hello to the new me, the new us. The me that doesn't react, that doesn't get so mad but has patience, love in my heart and does my best in making a genuine effort to have a good relationship

As long as I do my part, to have a good relationship I know everything will be ok and I'll make God's heart glad.

I love you. Of course those words have such a history to them when I say them to you. I forgive you. but that doesn't mean I'll let my guard down, I won't let you step me on again. I have to protect myself. It's called growth. I have to grow. I still got a lot of growing to do. But this time things will be different, I'll do more thinking and do my best to have a good relationship but I can't know or guarantee to myself that you will, so I gotta protect myself, have some boundaries. just remember that,

"I love you"