New Beginnings

(Warning: themes of sex, sexual assault, and alcoholism)

Now I called this meeting today to discuss our new ad collaboration with Mrs. Jackie Milan, The Legend, the Queen!

“Reese, you're laying it on quite thick, don't you think?”

“I just want you to know we are all very excited to have you work on this project with us.”

Geez when did Reese become such a kiss ass? He was never this corny, even when we dated in college. I normally wouldn't keep in contact with an ex but this collab with his company couldn't hurt my modeling and acting career. To be fair, I am becoming a bit of an "It girl". Not a self proclaimed title but I don't hate it.

After the meeting concludes Reese follows me out of the door.

"Hey Jackie, again I'm so glad you decided to come back here."

"Well I did miss the city plus I think we both will get a lot out of this partnership."

"Too bad we couldn't get more out of our previous partnership," he says with a cheeky smile.

"Ah well, we were kids then. We had no idea what it takes to have a good relationship."

We're not kids anymore.” he says, reaching for my hand.

"You know I'm a very married woman," I say as I take a couple steps back.

"Yes, but a man can only dream," he says as he makes a gesture like he got shot with an arrow through the heart.

"Well I will see you tomorrow for our meeting with the designers, yes?" I turn and start for the elevator.

"Hey Jackie, let me give you a ride home", he says, running to catch up with me.

"No, I'm good. I will just call my driver to pull around front."

"Come on Jaclyn. We haven't seen each other in years. Let me at least drive you home."

"Alright then", I say reluctantly entering the elevator with him

The drive was uneventful. We talked about how our families are doing, what we are striving for in our careers. He was trying to get a little more personal with me but I shut it down. Honestly I have no interest in getting close to him again. I want to keep things professional.

Reese drops me off at my apartment. I wave goodbye as he drives away. Once his car is out of sight, instead of going into my building, I go down the stairs and make a left. Putting my headphones on slightly crooked exposing one ear so I can still hear my surroundings still. The other ear is fully blasted with RnB, chill rap verses, and bosa nova. I walk a few blocks and make another left on Coral Street to get to one of my favorite spots in the city. Vinny's, a cute tucked away restaurant that serves arancini, huge salad, and my favorite Sicilian style pizza. My order is always their pepperoni with hot honey and a bloody Mary. I don't know what it is with the sweet and spicy toppings of the pizza with the refreshing cold dirty tomato juice but it's a winning combination.

Sitting at a table in a far corner with my slice and drink , I pull my hood further over my head. There aren't a lot of people tonight but still, I don't feel like being bothered. I finish my first slice of pizza as my second Bloody Mary comes to the table. I take a long sip as I whip out my phone to skip the current song. It's a little too upbeat for what I'm feeling right now. I need slow and calming vibes tonight.

Hearing a ping , my green message bubble lights up with a message from Paul. The message reads "okay". I scroll to the top of the conversation. I usually reread a lot of our text convos. I've grown fond of doing that with people I love. It's like I get to experience our conversations over and over. However, this convo didn't give me that same feeling.

Me: Is your flight coming in tonight?

Paul: I'll see if I can get an earlier flight. If not, I will be there Wednesday morning.

Me: Okay, because we need to talk. I left the extra key above the door frame.

Paul: okay..

Paul: What is it we need to talk about?

Me: Let's just save it for when you get here.

Paul: okay...

I want to divorce Paul. I love him but love isn't enough. We haven't been clicking for a while now. When my career really started to kick off he was so supportive and still is, but it feels bitter sweet now; sour in fact, it doesn't hold the same warmth it used to. There is more of a bite to his tone. When he smiles, sometimes it doesn't reach his eyes. When we kiss it's chaste with tense lips that bounce off instead of sticky and lingering. We agreed to put off having children for a couple years while we both get established in our own careers. It was my idea. I imagine myself present in parenthood. I never really had that growing up. My parents were wonderful but they worked so much and I was left to my own devices most of the time. People think being an only child is great because you don't have to share and you get all the attention. But it can feel really lonely at times. So I would want to stay home with my babies. I would rather them be sick of my presence than miss it. Paul wants to start now but I need to solidify my career. It would be too easy for me to get pregnant now, just as things are really starting to take off. I wouldn't have to prove that I have what it takes, to follow through with something that seemed out of reach. I could just sink into the identity of motherhood and wifey, it would be easy to. But I won't. I'm enjoying being proud of myself for not settling for a life of mediocrity that doesn't require the gravitas to challenge myself; to evolve, change, or be a disappointment.

After my fourth Bloody Mary I get another slice to eat on the way home. This time it's meat lovers. As I begin walking in what I think is the direction of my apartment. I realize that I might have overdone it. I'm feeling very warm and fuzzy. The weather has dropped down to 30 degrees, I can't feel it though. Right now every atom in my body is vibrating, like I will vibrate so fast that I'll faze right through the sidewalk. I cross the street as I take out my second slice to eat hoping the extra bread and meat will soak up the alcohol.

Up ahead two cop cars are posted outside of this sleek grey building that weren't there before. A few officers are standing there talking. I put on my best "sober strut" I could possibly muster, even my signature red carpet smile as I walk by. I doubt they even notice that I can barely walk in a straight line. No matter, I finally reached my apartment. Fumble with my keys, even dropping them a few times; unsure of the difference between my apartment keys, my mother's house key, father's house key, and the main gate key. After struggling for five minutes I get the main entrance key in and turn it.

Somehow I made it to my correct floor even though I vaguely remember getting off at the second floor because that's the floor with a vending machine. I wanted to get some Oreos; even though I'm already full. I need a little something sweet; I guess once a fat kid; always a fat kid.

When I get inside it's dark. I drop my bag and take off my jacket leaving it on the floor by the door. Heading for the fridge I grab a bottle of cold brew to drink with my cookies to help with my intoxication. After drinking half my coffee and a couple cookies I head to my bedroom to get undressed. I halt when I see a lump in the bed hidden under the covers. I call out "Paul?" as I slowly approach and I hear the lump grumble as it begins to stir. Relaxing a little bit I take off the rest of my clothes so I can take my shower.

Sitting on the tub floor I let the hot water run over me not really caring if I get my box braids wet this time. Just trying to let the pattering taps of the shower soothe me; like I've been caught in a rainstorm. I close my eyes to help with these illusions but I begin to feel like I'm on a small boat with big waves on account of my drinking today.

Once I put on a big T-shirt and wrap my head for the night I slide into bed next to Paul.

"I- Im glad you made it. I didn't think you would. Cause things have been a bit tense between us."

Paul doesn't say anything but turns towards me, facing my back.

"Before you say anything I want you to hear me without interruption. I love you so much, I do. And I want you to be so happy but I don't think you are. We aren't. We haven't been for a while and I'm not saying it's anybody's fault but....

I try to continue but I begin to cry. He grabs me from behind and pulls me into his embrace. Wrapping his arms around me; I can feel his breath on his neck. I take a few breaths and continue.

"I know we have a lot going on and it's putting a lot of strain on us. I'm just worried that when we make it out of this rough patch, that too much resentment will have grown between us and we will lose the love that we have for each other."

"No" he says in a hushed tone

"Baby it's already happening. You don't look at me like you used too. We don't just sit and talk with each other about pointless things anymore. We haven't made love in months. Baby I can't be married to you if we don't still have our love."

He grabs me even tighter as he starts kissing the back of my neck. A shiver runs up my spine as his hands move from my waist to my womanhood. I lean into his touch, his touch that I've missed so much. He turns me toward him and kisses me. Kisses me as if I was his only source of oxygen, hungrily. He lifts up my shirt exposing me to the darkness. I feel his nipping, caressing, sucking all over my body like I am a map and he is a renowned explorer. With all his teasing I begin to tremble. I shakily grab at him to pull him in for another one of his sticky and sweet kisses. Slowly he slides himself in with a whimper. He holds himself by his elbows in place as he begins to move; slow at first but subtly moves to a faster pace. His face is buried in my neck. Grunts, moans and gasps fill the air. I'm teetering on the edge of a climax when he tenderly grabs a fist full of my braids and tugs. This sends me into full ecstasy as I dig my nails across his back. He arches on account of the pain but it seems we both share a bit of a masochistic streak because he too soon finishes. Paul's arms are wrapped from behind me as I slip into unconsciousness.

I'm woken up by the sound of banging. I sit up and roll out of bed onto the floor. The banging gets fast and I stumble up towards the door. I open it and Paul walks in with two suitcases.

"Hey, I thought you were gonna leave the extra key on top of the door frame?”

"What? What do you mean?"

"You said you would leave the extra key for me to get it in; Up on the door frame but I couldn't find it.

"I-I did, you got in last night remember? Where'd you go?

"Jackie, what are you talking about? I told you that I would try to get an earlier flight but I would likely come in this morning. Are you okay? Did you go drinking last night?"

“Well yes, but you were her when I got back and we.." I trail off.

"We what?" he says leaning in.

"Nothing, maybe I did drink too much" I say as I sit at the kitchen table suddenly feeling uneasy.

Paul comes up to me and strokes my hair

"Are you okay, babe? Maybe you should push back that meeting you have and rest a bit. I know things have been stressful for us lately."

"No I can push through with meeting the designers today but after 3 o'clock I should be free."

"Okay after that we can come back and have that talk you wanted, okay. Once you get dressed I'll drive you to work" he says as he kisses me sweetly on the lips.

I push through the meeting regretting my drinks from last night. The meeting finally ends and I receive a text from Paul saying that he is down stairs. I begin gathering my things just before I head towards the elevator, when Reese comes over.

Hey Jackie, seem like you've had a rough night. You okay?

"Yes, I'm okay. Just a little tired, didn't sleep well."

"Maybe you need another cold brew"

"What did you just say?" My blood runs cold and my legs feels as though they are made of jelly.

" I said maybe you need another cold brew" he steps closer, close enough for me to smell his Baccarat Rouge cologne.

" I mean I do recall you drinking them a lot back then."

"Oh yes I did" I take a deep breath and start to relax a bit.

He begins to walk away then says

"I don't remember you eating that many Oreos though". He says as he leaves me in the conference room.